home

It was one of those rare, heart-warming and grace-filled occasions. The Presentation Sisters (PBVM) gathered at St. Mary’s Co-Cathedral, Chennai on 13 Jan ’17 to celebrate 175 years of their life and mission in India.  On that day 175 years ago four of their Sisters from Ireland arrived in India and started at George Town, Chennai their mission, which expanded gradually to several States. They had given me the privilege of being the chief celebrant and the homilist at the Thanksgiving Eucharist. Like true friends who don’t forget you, they had remembered that 25 years ago, in 1992, when they celebrated their 150 years in India, I happened to be the celebrant.

Through whatever they do here in India and several other countries, the good Sisters seek to fulfill the dream of a great Irish woman – a woman of wisdom and courage. Nano (Honora) Nagle, who founded the Sisters of the Presentation of the Blessed Virgin Mary, was born in Ballygriffin, County Cork, Ireland in 1718. Her family, which owned a lot of land in the area, had to pay a heavy price for clinging to their Catholic faith.

In order to force the Irish Catholics to give up their faith and swear allegiance to the Church of England, the English imposed on them what are called the Penal Laws. These cruel laws were designed to keep the Irish poor and illiterate. If you were not ready to give up your Catholic faith, you had to surrender your land. If you tried to receive or impart education, your properties would be confiscated and you would be thrown into prison. Nor could you try to send your children abroad to be educated. Explaining the real aim of these laws, the great Irish orator and parliamentarian, Edmund Burke, who was a relative of Nano, remarked: “Their declared object was to reduce the Catholics in Ireland to a miserable populace, without property, without estimation, without education.”

But since the family understood the value of education, it dared to send Nano and her sister to France for a good Catholic education. She is said to have lived a hectic social life in France, marked by “balls, parties and theater outings, all the glamour of the life of a wealthy young lady.” It was after one of these parties that she noticed a group of miserably poor people, huddled in a church doorway. The striking contrast between their lot and her life stayed with her. When she returned and went to Dublin to live with her mother, she was hit by the sad impact of widespread poverty. She returned to Paris to join an Ursuline convent, but her spiritual director advised her to return to Ireland and take up the education of poor Irish children.

 She realized education was the key to liberating her people from poverty and oppression. Therefore, in spite of the risks posed by the Penal Laws, Nano, with prophetic courage, started a school in 1754. In the next three years she started seven schools that provided basic education and religious instruction. With the support of her family she soon established a network of schools in Cork. After school hours, she visited the sick and the elderly to give them food and medicine. As she went at night with a lantern from hovel to hovel to comfort the sick and to teach the poor, she was called ‘the Lady of the Lantern.’ This is why the lantern has become a symbol of the religious congregation she founded, the Presentation Sisters, who work today in 26 countries all over the world.

 Nagle, who has been named the “greatest Irish person of all time,” was declared ‘Venerable’ by Pope Francis on 31 October 2013.  Next year all those who recognize the greatness of Nano Nagle will celebrate with joy her 300th birth anniversary. May her example be our guiding lantern!

---

– Fr M. A. Joe Antony SJ is at present editor, Jivan, the magazine of South Asian Jesuits and the executive secretary of and advisor to the  Provincial Superior of Jesuits in Tamil Nadu. For 20 years he edited the New Leader and gave it a new life and reputation.

To subscribe to the magazine     Contact Us

 

Raymond looked sad. Not occasionally, but always. His features drooped. He hardly every smiled. Even after someone cracked a good joke or said something really funny, and everyone laughed, Raymond’s face would settle back into a gloomy expression.
In the counselling session, Raymond revealed his sad story. His father passed away soon after Raymond’s birth. So, he grew up without knowing a father’s care. Further, because of the superstitious beliefs of his family members, they blamed Raymond for bringing bad luck on the family.
Far from being loved or wanted, poor Raymond felt himself a burden. He really did not know what love or tenderness was.
We—fellow trainees in counselling—were moved by his story. Who would like to be in his situation, growing up unloved, and feeling worthless and a burden?
Something happened one day that changed all this. In one of the group therapy sessions, the main therapist, Dr Roger (all names have been changed), told Raymond that he need not go through life missing what he did not get. This was a revelation to Raymond. How would he get what he had always missed? How would he ever experience a father’s love?
What happened next was dramatic and moving. We were all sitting on mattresses on the floor. Raymond asked to be hugged and held. Dr Roger, a warm and caring man old enough to be Raymond’s father, held him in his arms. Raymond burst into tears. His whole body shook with his sobs. He had never been held lovingly, had never known what it means to be tenderly cared for. After a while, Dr Roger placed Raymond gently on the mattress. Raymond lay on his back with his eyes closed, still sobbing. He wept for a long time. We knelt or sat around, looking at his face attentively. Several of us had tears in our eyes. At one moment, Raymond opened his eyes. He saw the love in our faces. He noticed our tears. He burst into tears again. He never thought that people would care for him. He could never imagine anyone shedding tears for him.
From that day, we noticed a dramatic change in Raymond. His face changed! He started looking normal. Most of the time, he looked happy.

What I have described, changing some details, is a true story. I have seen people change through counselling. I have been personally helped by opening up to someone I trusted, and being listened to. I have found this to be enormously helpful, especially when I felt anxious, or confused, or felt resentment welling up in my heart.
This is why I believe in counselling.

What is counselling?
Simon, a college student, asked to meet Mrs. Jackie, one of his professors, who was known as a caring and trustworthy woman. Jackie’s area of teaching was not psychology, but mathematics; but students knew that she cared about them. She was not simply a machine distributing mathematical knowledge. She was a warm and genuine human being who cared about each student. Several students would later say that it was providential to have had Mrs Jackie in their life. Confiding in her helped many of them to make better decisions, and not mess up their lives.
“I fell in love during the summer vacation,” Simon told Jackie. “She is a wonderful girl. Ma’am, I think about her the whole time. I cannot concentrate on my studies. I want to be with her the whole time. I even think of quitting college and getting a job, so that I can marry soon, and be with her.”
Jackie listened to Simon with genuine interest, giving him her full and loving attention. She spoke very little. It was Simon who did most of the talking. Jackie did ask a few questions that helped Simon become clearer about his feelings, and the choices facing him.
This conversation—and a couple similar chats with Jackie in the coming weeks—helped Simon to understand what was happening—the normalcy and intensity of falling in love, what options were in front of him, which choice seemed to be wiser, the importance of knowing oneself and the other more in depth before making life-decisions.
Simon’s ardour for the girl cooled in the coming months. E-mails and phone calls showed both of them that, while they liked each other, they were not ready for marriage. In fact, there were several important areas in which they held sharply different views.
Simon is grateful to Mrs Jackie for listening to him patiently and with concern. She never blamed him, nor laughed at him. She did not take decisions for him. She understood the intensity and beauty of falling in love—and also its limitations and pitfalls.
Simon sees now that it would have been a mistake to quit college, start working and marry very young. He had not thought things through clearly or deeply. Talking with Jackie helped him to see many things more in perspective.
This is counselling.
It is not a technique. It is the meeting between two human beings, of whom one is under distress, and the other is a caring and genuine person with adequate life experience who is willing to give the troubled person full and loving attention.

The magic of listening
This is easily said, but extremely rare.
Why?
Because listening is a rare and lovely thing. It is harder than speaking, tougher than preaching and very different from advice-giving. Those who rush to give advice—especially when done without first understanding the other in depth—will be poor counsellors. They tend to impose their ideas and preferences on others, thinking that their plans and decisions are the best for other people.
Good counsellors listen.
They listen to the words being said, e.g., “I am in love,” or “I have thought of suicide” or “I do not know what to do ever since my wife died.”
These words are easy to understand. Anyone can follow their dictionary meaning.
The harder—and more important part—is to understand the feeling behind the words. How does it feel to be in love and long to be with the loved one? Why is this intelligent and capable woman thinking of suicide? How does a person feel after one’s life partner had died?
These are deeply emotional issues. We cannot glibly respond, saying, “Ya, I understand how you feel.” The truth is that most of the time we do not understand. Or, better, we understand the words; we miss the depth of feeling behind the words.
When Manju, my thirty-seven-year-old niece, died of cancer, I cannot say I “understood” how her mother felt. Or what went on in the minds and hearts of her husband and her two little boys. To enter that sacred space, we need depth. We need love. We need to have the inner freedom to put our self-centred concerns aside and give another human being our total attention.
This hardly ever happens. Most of the time, our mind is full. Our life, our concerns, our agenda, our small or big pains, our frustrations and fun—all this take up our attention. To give full attention to another human being’s need or pain is far from easy.
Here is a case.
In a counselling training session, we were divided into groups of three. In each group, one person would speak for sixty seconds, the second person would repeat what the first had said, and third would check.
Before the exercise, all of us felt confident we would be able to repeat everything we heard. After all, what is sixty seconds? But it was humbling to realize that, even during that very short period, we were not fully attentive. Imagine how much we miss when someone speaks for thirty or forty minutes! Listening is neither easy, nor common.
This is one reason it is hard to find good counsellors.
Advice-givers abound. Preachers are legion. Far easier to give advice than to give full attention to someone. So, too, it is much easier to judge and condemn than to put ourselves in the other’s shoes.

Can I be a good counsellor?
Yes, you can—if you are a particular type of person.
What type?
First requirement: To be a warm and genuine human being.
Why warmth?
If you have a personal problem and want to get help, you look around for someone who communicates love. You will not open up to someone who is harsh, judgemental or bigoted. You look around for someone who seems to care about people. Listening to another human being with full attention demands a special type of love.
Why genuineness?
Just think of your family or religious community. Suppose you meet someone who is cleaver, charming and speaks beautiful words to people when they are present, but stab them in the back when they are absent, you will not trust that person. You will be right in thinking: If I open up to this person, who knows what s/he may say about me afterwards? This is why counsellors need to be genuine.

The person of the counsellor
If you want to learn cooking or making Powerpoint slides or mathematics or a new language, the teacher’s character does not matter. If they know the subject and can explain it clearly, you learn.
This is not so with counselling. It is a sacred and intimate meeting between two human beings. A human being is trusting another human being with what is very painful or beautiful or intimate or shameful or mystical. This no light sharing or table talk. We cannot enter into such a deep encounter as lightly as we start a discussion on sports or on the weather.
One study comparing ten different forms of group counselling and therapy, to find out which approaches were more effective in producing results, came up with this unexpected finding: The key factor in producing results (in helping people most effectively) is not the approach or method used, but the person of the counsellor.
In other words, suppose Iam under distress—fear, jealousy, broken relationships, inability to control anger, sexual problems, or bitterness towards someone who hurt me. I am wondering whom to go to. Should I go for help to Eileen, who is a woman of wisdom and relates well, or to Esther, who has advanced college degrees, but seems to lack common sense and life-experience? It is better to go to Eileen than to Esther. Understanding life and people is different from academic brilliance or shrewdness in business.
In this area, qualities matter more than qualifications.

Three More Checks
Besides having the qualities I mentioned, there are three other checks.
One: Do people confide in me and approach me to speak of personal matters? If someone is warm and genuine, and listens without judging, and seems to have good sense, people will notice it, and will open up to such a person. Whether the chat is called “counselling” or not, does not matter. Thus, if a priest is seen as friendly and sensible, several people will approach him after Sunday Mass, and ask, “Father, can I have a word with you?” or “Can you spare some time for my son?” The same is true of a caring principal or teacher or social worker.

Two: Can they be certain that what they tell you will remain confidential? This is an absolute must. A number of people do not trust anyone because they have had the bitter experience of telling something confidential to someone, and later finding that this other person revealed it to others. This is immoral. It is cheating in a very big way. What someone tells us in confidence must remain confidential. This is especially true of those with special responsibilities, like, priests, religious superiors, formators, teachers, etc.
Here is a case in point.
A college that wanted to provide counselling to students asked for volunteers from among the faculty. Those who volunteered and were willing to spare time for this, were given some basic training in listening and taught some do’s and don’ts. The whole venture collapsed very quickly. Do you know why? Some teachers would listen to students, and later betray their confidence through remarks like these, “Do you know that Mohan in the second year is in love with his classmate Keerthi?” or “Oh, God! I did not know that Andrew’s father is such an abusive drunkard!” Students soon got wind of this. The whole counselling programmes died an early death.
So, more than degrees in psychology or theoretical knowledge, the counsellor’s character is paramount. This includes that s/he be trustworthy and treat each person with respect. I may or may not agree with what you are doing or saying. You may tell me that you hate your mother, or that you are fed up with life. I will treat you with respect, believe in your potential for change and growth, and do all I can to stand by you.
This is sacred ground.
Carlo, an experienced counsellor and trainer, once told us: “When I meet a person for counselling, I often remove my footwear, for I am on sacred ground. I am meeting another human being.”
What makes the encounter sacred is not that we are talking of religious matters or engaging in cultic practices. The sacredness stems from the dignity of every human being.
Three: If you want to be a good counsellor—who understands people in depth, relates in depth and responds in ways that the troubled person finds helpful and healing—you need to have received counselling.
I tell seminar participants: If you haven’t played basketball, don’t become a basketball coach. Reading books on basketball is not enough. You need to have played the game for long, and been a good player, before you become a coach.
Similarly, if you want to become a good counsellor, get counselling. Get help in those areas of your life where you feel stunted, where you are not really comfortable with yourself, where you feel afraid or ashamed or inadequate. The more you grow up, the better equipped you are to understand and help others. You are more likely to help others in those areas where you yourself have experienced most growth.

Degrees and training?
More than an academic degree in psychology (which basically prepares people to teach a subject), what counsellors need is training.
Training in counselling includes much personal therapy. I need to get counselling and therapy and tackle the problem areas of my own life, before I offer to help others.
So, too, guidance and supervision is important. No one learns this practical art by reading a book or getting a degree. An inexperienced counsellor needs to be followed up by an experienced counsellor. I need to check whether my way of doing counselling is helpful, ineffective or harmful. Or, I may face ethical issues which I am confused about. Or, perhaps, I feel strongly attracted to one counsellee or angry towards another, and do not know how to handle these feelings.

Methods and approaches
Do all counsellors use similar approaches and methods?
No.
While listening, communication of understanding, confidentiality, learning to affirm and confront in caring ways, and respect for persons are essential, counsellors differ in their understanding of human beings, and on the best ways of helping people. Just as allopathy, Ayurveda and Siddha systems of medicine differ in their methods, while having the same overall goal, namely, the patient’s health, in a similar way, there are different schools of psychology and differing ways of “diagnosing” a person’s problem and on the best ways of “treating” a client.
Some of the main approaches are given in the very fine book we are reviewing this month (see Book Review).
Some counsellors speak very little. Others may take time to explain our inner world. For example, the counsellor may explain to a depressed or frightened person that the depression or the fear is not the automatic effect of an external event, but of the way we perceive the event. Thus, a person may say: “After my wife’s death, my life is so meaningless and empty. I want to die.” The counsellor will try to help him see that the depression is not caused by her death, but by his belief that his life has no value without her, or that he is helpless without her. This thinking can be changed.
Approaches do differ. Helping a distressed person to function well is the overall aim, but there is no agreement on which approaches or methods help a person best. In practice, therefore, most counsellors are “eclectic.” They tend to use findings from various schools of counselling, according to the needs and personality of the counsellee.

Know yourself; understand others
Jane, a candidate mistress in her congregation, became aware of two things through counselling. One: That her mother, while meaning well, never encouraged the children, but always found fault with them. She wanted the best for her kids, but the way she went about it was through constant corrections. She hardly ever said a word of appreciation.
Two: Jane realized: “Gosh! This is the way I am treating my candidates! Without realizing it, I was dealing with them the same way as my mother treated me. I need to change.”
Her counsellor agreed with her. “If you are a nagging superior, and do not appreciate the good in people, you will discourage a lot of young people,” he told them.
Another counsellee, a priest, realized that he seldom spoke directly and warmly to people. He was ready to help anyone. He teased his friends. He did not realize that his friends needed more than physical help and teasing. At times, people long for direct affirmation. This insight helped him to relate to people more warmly.
Marriage counselling has helped many couples. Instead of perpetuating self-defeating patterns of mutual blaming and shouting and even physical violence, people can learn to understand the other (who is very different from oneself) and to relate in less destructive ways. So many marriages could be so much happier.
Just as a woman married to an alcoholic would love to see him get treatment for his drinking than carry on getting drunk, all of us notice defects in others and wish they were different.
The best place to start is my own self. If, instead of feeling helpless or blaming others, I were to admit my struggles and get help, that would make me happier–and nicer to live with. It would be a wonderful gift to those I live with—family members, community, colleagues, students and employees.
Counselling is one way—and a very practical way—of getting such help. It is about seeing our potential more clearly, admitting our defects and limitations more honestly, and seeking constructive ways of managing life.
When we buy a bike or car, we read the manual and learn to drive it carefully. We neither destroy the vehicle or harm others with it. Isn’t managing life much more important?
Why not learn to understand ourselves more fully, tap our huge potential and remove the blocks on the way? A warm, caring and wise human being who listens to us with respect and concern, gives us sensible feedback, encourages and challenges us as we learn to steer our course, is one of the best helps for this trip. This is what happens in any counselling worth the name.
So, go for it.
Get it and grow through it!
And, in your turn, learn to listen with your whole heart, understand rather than condemn, affirm rather than put down, and open the eyes of the other to the huge resources lying undiscovered. This is what you can do as a counsellor.
Whether you are a parent, or teacher, or religious or priest or friend, may you meet others in this sacred space, and promote the growth of both.

Both counsellee and counsellor
There have been times when I was down—confused or afraid or upset or ashamed—and needed help to sort out what was happening. Here, I was the counsellee. By taking time for me, and listening and responding with love, others helped me. These chats are among my best memories.
At others times, people came to pour out their doubts and struggles, their inner pain and their depression. To the degree that I listened with my whole being, tried to understand without condemning, challenged without putting down, I probably helped them to grow.
We all need each other. We are all care-givers and receivers. We are counsellees and counsellors.
In fact, helping others to grow is a great help for our own growth. Just as playing basketball with college students has helped me stay fit, relating in depth with other human beings—which is basically what counselling is—helps our growth powerfully.
May we keep growing.
May we help others grow up.
Our real enemy—the real obstacle to our growth and happiness—is not what others did or did not do for us, but our own refusal to grow up, our fear of facing our fears, our reluctance to reach for the stars, our staying down when we can get up and even fly.
In this process of getting up rather than staying down, of flying rather than simply floating, one of the best helps is meeting with a good and mature human being who cares for us. This is what counselling is about

---

– Fr. Joe Mannath SDB is the National Secretary of CRI and the editor of this magazine

To subscribe to the magazine     Contact Us

One of the best known text books on the subject, now in its tenth edition.
Apart from presenting various approaches to counselling, Corey has very useful and practical chapters on the person of the counsellor and on ethical issues.
The chapter on the person of the counsellor includes: Counselor as a therapeutic person, Personal therapy for the counsellor, Counselor’s values and the therapeutic process, Becoming an effective multicultural counsellor, Issues faced by beginning therapists. This discussion is important, since studies show that the most important element in counselling is the person of the counsellor.
The issue of multiculturalism is addressed in every chapter—something most American books do not do. There are cultural differences in how people perceive events, relationships and norms.
The major theories and “schools” of counselling presented are: psychoanalytic, Adlerian, existential, person-centered, Gestalt, reality, behavior, cognitive-behavior, family systems, feminist, postmodern, and integrative.
Here, as an example, is how the chapter on Person-Centred Counselling is structured: Introduction, Key concepts, Therapeutic process, Application: Therapeutic techniques and procedures, Person-centered expressive arts therapy, Motivational interviewing, Person-centered therapy from a multicultural perspective, Person-centered therapy applied to the case of Stan, Summary and evaluation, Where to go from here, Recommended supplementary readings, References and suggested readings.
The chapter on Cognitive therapy includes Albert Ellis’s Rational Emotive Therapy and Beck’s approach to cognitive therapy.
Two chapters seldom found in such text books are feminist and postmodern theories and their application to counselling.
Corey has a practical chapter on the ethics of counselling. It deals with such as issues as: Putting clients’ needs before your own, Ethical decision making, Right of informed consent, Dimensions of confidentiality, Ethical issues in a multicultural perspective, Ethical issues in the assessment process, Ethical aspects of evidence-based practice, Managing multiple relationships in counseling practice.
Such a section is essential to would-be counsellors. The whole issue of confidentiality, for instance, needs to be clearly understood and strictly adhered to.
The use of a case (“Stan”) makes the theory concrete for the learner, and helps a trainee to see how a theory is actually applied in practice.

(Price: The US editions cost Rs 6358 and 12, 690 in India. An Indian edition by Cengage costs around Rs 600.)

---

– Gerald Corey is Professor Emeritus of Human Services and Counseling at California State University at Fullerton, where he received the Outstanding Professor of the Year Award

To subscribe to the magazine     Contact Us

The saints speak about it, the Buddhists speak about it, most major religions, spiritual movements and even scientific studies tell us how beneficial it is for the spiritual, mental and physical health….
Yes, but….. Yes, but we still often go through this half-hour or so hoping it’ll pass soon. While at it, we find our mind helplessly carried away by the tides of feelings, thoughts, preoccupations, boredom, sexual urges or fantasies.
If we are ‘lucky’, we put into practice Jesus’ invitation to go to Him and rest. Even St Therese of the Child Jesus struggled to keep awake during meditation. She even had to handle her growing annoyance at a sister who kept on loudly fingering her rosary?
Is there any way to make meditation more appealing, more beneficial? Is it possible to sit for twenty or thirty minutes in a happily energizing quiet way?
Sometime ago, I had the opportunity to see a video clip of Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche. This forty-two-year-old Buddhist master from Nepal says that from a young age he struggled with panic disorder. When he was nine, he asked his father, a Buddhist master, to teach him how to meditate. He hoped in this way to solve his panic attacks. Mingyur says that he found his father’s teaching very helpful. He also found that, though he “loved the idea of meditation, he did not like the practice of meditation.” Sounds familiar? He went on for some more time learning about meditation from different masters. Although he found the learning good, he still would not apply it to his life. At thirteen, he decided to participate in a three-year retreat. In the first year, his panic disorder grew worse. He finally asked himself, “Do you really want to apply the meditation technique or go on unhappily for the remaining two years of the retreat?” This is when he finally started living the teaching he had received by using his panic as support for his meditation. Mingyur got rid of his panic disorder and went on to become a meditation master.
Mingyur Rinpoche explains that meditation is about becoming familiar with our mind, or, in other words, befriending it. He compares the mind to a monkey that constantly needs to be on the move. According to him, our difficulty in meditating is the result of two wrong attitudes. The first is to let our mind be the boss and carry us wherever it goes. The second is to fight the ‘monkey’ aggressively, resulting in the monkey’s increasing loudness within. So, in Mingyur’s words, meditation is about finding a common ground with the ‘monkey mind’, that is, to choose the work that will occupy the ‘monkey’ and thus allow us to be masters of our mind. What work can we possibly give to the mind so that the ‘rest of us’ can grow calm, peaceful and connected with God? One of Mingyur’s suggestions for basic meditation is the breath awareness. But more on this next time.
I leave you with the very crucial question that this Buddhist monk asked himself: Do you really want to meditate?
If you are interested, there are lots of videos on meditation on Youtube. You can also learn from teachers who teach meditation.
I suggest you learn to notice what happens inside you when you meditate. Who does the talking? You will make interesting discoveries. More about this later

---

– Sr. Marie Gabrielle Riopel SCSM is the provincial of the Sisters of Charity of Saint Mary.

To subscribe to the magazine     Contact Us

Fr. Martin was a counsellor at a well-known Counselling Centre. He had a number of clients who were very appreciative of his counselling skills and the way he was helping them with their problems.
One of these clients was Anita, who had lost her husband a few months after their marriage. Anita had come to Martin to deal with her grief and loss. She found in Martin a very sensitive and compassionate helper. Anita appreciated not only his counselling skills, but also him as a sensitive human being.
After a few once-a-week sessions, Anita requested to increase the frequency of the sessions to twice-a-week. Meanwhile Martin had developed fond feelings for Anita. And he was happy with the increased frequency. He began to think often of Anita outside the sessions and looked forward to sessions with her.
During sessions Anita began to ask Martin for personal information. She said she would like to know him better. “I tell you so many things about myself, but I know so little about you,” she said. Martin was happy to comply. He began not only counselling her, but also to share his own difficulties with her. She sympathized with him. Martin found Anita’s expression of care and concern for him quite gratifying.
During one session Anita asked Martin when his birthday was. He told her. In one of the following sessions she brought him an expensive gift and said it was for his birthday. He accepted it and thanked her.
At the end of that session, both lingered on at the door, talking about a number of things which had nothing to do with the issue that Anita had initially wanted to work on. As she left the room Martin patted her gently on the back. She smiled back at him in appreciation.
Two days later, Anita phoned Martin and asked if he could join her for coffee at a Shopping Centre. “To celebrate your birthday,” she said. Martin initially said better not, but then Anita managed to persuade him and he agreed.
During coffee both expressed appreciation and fondness for each other. “We should do this more often,” Anita said. As they left, they hugged. Next day Anita phoned Martin to say how much she had enjoyed their time together at the Coffee Shop. Martin said he too enjoyed it.
At the next session, Anita said she wanted to terminate counselling. She was feeling better, she said, but would like to keep in touch with him. Martin also thought it better to end the counselling relationship and just have a social one, even though he knew that Anita’s grief and loss issues had not been resolved sufficiently….
Some months later Martin resigned from the Counselling Centre and asked permission from his superiors to leave his Congregation.
This Anita-Martin story points to some ethical challenges in Counselling. Like any profession, Counselling has its ethical principles and codes. Ethics in Counselling refers to the attitudes, dispositions and behaviours appropriate to the practice of counselling.

Ethical Boundaries
When we talk about ethics in Counselling, the concept of boundaries is very important. An ethical boundary is the “edge” of appropriate behaviour expected of the counsellor. Boundaries are set in place to foster a sense of safety for the client and to prevent the counsellor from harming or exploiting clients who are in a very vulnerable position in relation to the counsellor. Boundaries determine what is excluded or included in the counselling process and relationship. In this sense, boundaries can be considered as guidelines that formulate what is acceptable or unacceptable in counselling practice. Each Counselling Association has its Code of Ethics which articulates what these boundaries are. Thus, the Conference of Catholic Psychologists of India and the Salesian Psychological Association of South Asia have articulated their own Code of Ethics.
Since this issue of MAGNET has Counselling as cover story, I shall focus on boundary crossings and violations in this issue and describe in the next some of the principles that govern ethical practice of Counselling.

Boundary Crossing
There are to two types of boundary transgressions in Counselling. These are boundary crossings and boundary violations. Boundary crossing refers to any deviations from the strictest professional role and which by themselves do not harm the client or the counselling relationship, and which may even advance the Counselling in constructive ways.
Some common boundary crossings in counselling are counsellor’s self-disclosure related to client’s issues, non-sexual touch, the exchange of small gifts or greeting cards on special occasions or at termination of counselling.
What is important in deciding whether to cross a boundary is that the counsellor is sure he or she is acting in the best interests of the client, and not seeking to gratify his or her own needs at the expense of the client.
The boundary crossings that Martin was engaged in (revealing personal information, accepting gifts, meeting outside the counselling office, phone calls etc…) were not really at the service of the counselling process, but gratification of his and Anita’s emotional neediness. These were harmful crossings.

Boundary Violation
A second kind of boundary transgression in counselling is the boundary violation. A boundary violation is a clearly “harmful crossing” of a boundary. It occurs when a counsellor crosses the line of decency or integrity or misuses his or her power to exploit or harm the client. Whenever any of the traditional counselling parameters, such as time and place for therapy, confidentiality, dual relationships, gifts and self-disclosure (these will be discussed in the next issue), are transgressed to gratify the counsellor’s own needs without in any way enhancing the counselling process, there is clear violation of boundaries.
Engaging in sexual intimacies, even when consensual, within the counselling encounter is always a clearly unethical boundary violation. It is a decidedly harmful violation of boundaries. It is an abuse of trust and a violation of the counsellor’s professional role. It completely alters the nature of the counselling relationship, turning it into something it was never meant to be. Most ethical violations complaints against counsellors happen in the area of sexual boundary violations.
Terminating a counselling relationship with the intention of pursuing a romantic or sexual relationship, or suggesting explicitly or by innuendo while in counselling the possibility of such post-termination relationship is considered unethical.

The Slippery Slope
The concept “slippery slope” is especially relevant in sexual boundary violations. This phrase refers to seemingly harmless boundary crossings gradually escalating – slipping and tumbling down – into serious boundary violations. An example is that of the counsellor becoming more social, as happened with Martin and Anita. The self-disclosures about personal problems, small talk after the sessions ended, the lingering at the door, the pat on the back, the phone calls, and so on, were leading Martin to be on the slippery slope.
Violation of ethical boundaries can do great harm to the client and undermine effectiveness of counselling. An ethically conscious counsellor is careful to avoid the “slippery slope” – situations that develop gradually and undermine what once were firm boundaries. Before long, the situation can spiral out of control, leading to boundary violations that harm the client and gravely rupture the counselling relationship, impair counselling outcome, and sometimes lead to legal troubles for the counsellor and compromise his or her future practice.
In the next issues we shall look at a few more boundary issues and some important ethical principles that should guide the counselling practice.

Questions For Reflection
1. In case you have been a counsellor or a counselling client, what have been your experiences around boundary crossings and boundary violations?
2. In case you experienced these, what was the impact on you and the counselling process?

---

– Rev. Dr. Jose Parappully, SDB, is the Founder-Director of Sumedha Centre, which runs courses and retreats in psycho-spiritual integration. He also does individual and group therapy.

To subscribe to the magazine     Contact Us

Since the day God created man and woman, it has been His desire that they be joined together to join with Him in bringing new life into the world. His vision was simple and beautiful. For Adam and Eve, the prospects for a joyful and prosperous life together were assured since God’s plan provided for their every need. It was only when they turned away from God’s plan that the problems started. And so it has been throughout the millennia that men and women come together to share life and create new life, all too often pursuant to their human nature and not God’s original plan. As time has passed marriage has become for many a cultural institution rather than a godly creation. But for us Catholics, the Sacrament of Matrimony is available as a grace-filled reminder that God’s original plan for marriage is far superior and the true pathway to a life of joy and peace. Why is it then that so few young couples embrace the Sacrament and fall instead into the cultural model of marriage which leads to heartache and failure ever more frequently?
Let’s face it… marriage is not really as natural a state as it appears on its face. Yes, men and women are naturally attracted to one another. Our God-given sexuality draws us to another. Our attraction has us see that which makes us happy and brings us joy. It causes us to want to be together. But it doesn’t necessarily help us to learn how to live together in an exclusive life- long relationship. While our desires bring us together, they can’t equip us to deal with the fundamental reality that we are two different people who are self-protective and who often have different notions of what it means to be husband and wife.

Conscious and Unconscious Choices
From the day we are born we are learning how to survive and thrive in this world. Whether we realize it or not we are learning how to live from our parents, relatives, friends and other teachers. We absorb values that will apply to our adult lives and learn behaviors which we will employ in similar life situations and circumstances. While conscious choice can have an influence on who we become and how we choose to act, the things that we pick up unconsciously are likely to have a very significant influence over how we act and react, particularly in times of stress or fatigue. Regardless of our vocation, we have all been trained by the people we live with or the culture that surrounds us. Unless we choose a different path, we are likely to walk down the familiar one time and time again.
Looking back, it is easy to see Crystal and me in this typical pattern. We met at our workplace when we were in our late 20s. For both of us it was a relatively carefree time as we enjoyed our work and came to enjoy each other’s company. I was attracted to Crystal’s inherent joyfulness, warmth and caring, all delivered with a radiant smile. It became apparent rather quickly that the attraction was mutual and as our trust in the other’s love grew it was natural for us to choose to spend our lives together as husband and wife. Those first years of marriage seemed like paradise. We continued to enjoy all aspects of our lives: work, relaxation and time with friends on weekends were now something we were able to share. The attractions that drew us together were strong enough to overcome the little differences we began to discover as we lived under the same roof.
The next transition would prove to be a bit more challenging. When our children were born all of a sudden we were no longer just spouses; we were parents. It didn’t take long before our “subconscious training” kicked in. I became my Dad and Crystal became her mother. It wasn’t long before our lives began drifting apart as we focused much of our time and energy on our separate roles of good provider and nurturing mother.
While our respective roles were valuable for the good of the family, they came to overshadow the importance of the roles of loving husband and wife. We lost sight of the importance of seeking the happiness of the other and began to return to the self-protective ways that came naturally.
Fortunately, the Holy Spirit called us to a Catholic Couples Retreat, where God’s plan for marriage was revealed.We discovered that we could choose to find real joy through a mutually self-giving way of life patterned on Christ’s life. While the past twenty-five years haven’t always been easy, it definitely has been a journey filled with hope and promise of greater joy and peace than the world could ever hope to provide.

Shortly after that retreat, I remember reading an article advising couples that in order to have a successful marriage, we should put God first, our spouses second, and our children third. I wondered how this could possibly be true, as in the U.S. culture it seemed as if almost everyone had an opposite view of appropriate priorities. In fact, it seems that God was lucky to come in third, as work, sports and recreation takes up so much time and focus in most families. Nonetheless, I made an earnest attempt to learn more about Christ and what a life centered on His values might look like. Now, many years later, I see the wisdom in this ordering of priorities. Every time I try to truly love God and live as a Christian… every single time… I am a far more loving, forgiving and joyful wife and mother. Applying the virtues that Christ modeled changes the dynamics of relationships.
At the beginning, I had to work hard to make those daily conscious choices to overcome my selfish tendencies. Did I enjoy being lazy and sipping my coffee in bed while Kevin got ready for work? Yes I did, but I knew that making an effort to get up and give him a loving send off was more in the order of what Jesus would do. Did our children leave their clothes lying around on the floor for me to pick up and clean? Yes they did, and acting on my own, I could become resentful and voice my opinion aggressively. Using Jesus as my guide, I would consider all of their many wonderful qualities, ask them firmly to give me a helping hand, and simply get on with life, maybe even being thankful for the opportunity to be a stay-at-home wife and mother.

How things work best

As the saying goes, practice makes perfect. As the years of living a Christian marriage have added up, it becomes easier (most of the time) to choose to love God by loving Kevin. I have often thought of marriage like a rock tumbler. With each spin our rough edges are being smoothed away and the bumps are no longer quite as jarring. And the children? Grown and gone, showing the wisdom of the advice to give priority to our spousal relationship. If anything, the pattern of self-giving love that Kevin and I have attempted to show each other has become a model for our daughter in her marriage, hopefully beginning a reversal of the cultural training that encourages self-interest.
Regardless of the vocation we have been called to, we need to contemplate Jesus as the model for joyful and peaceful living. When we consciously choose to disengage from the earthly battles that disturb our peace and seek to unite ourselves more closely to God’s heavenly plan, we will live our own modified version of paradise. And God will say, “This is very good!”

---

– Crystal and Kevin Sullivan have been involved in ministering to young couples for years. Kevin retired early from his legal firm to dedicate himself full time to ministry. Crystal left the corporate world to raise her children, completed a Master’s in Pastoral Theology and is into various forms of ministry. They have a daughter and a son, and three grandchildren.

To subscribe to the magazine     Contact Us

Here are ten suggestions. Choose one or some or all ten

Joyful Lent? Isn’t it supposed to be a sombre time, unlike Christmas, which is experienced as a joyful celebration?
No! The church calls Lent a joyful season.
Why? In what way?
Here’s how.
When we get over a sickness, or become more fit through exercise, or heal a division through an apology, all these are joyful events worth celebrating.
This is exactly what Lent is for—to heal our hearts, to become stronger to love, to get closer to God and to one another.
Lent, in simple words, is not mainly about a change of diet. It is really about a change of heart.
Carrots will not get me closer to God than chicken soup. Vegetarians are not necessarily better than meat-eaters. In fact, Jesus insisted that it is not what I put into my mouth that corrupts me, but what comes out of my mouth.
Then, why Lent? What is its meaning? How can we keep it in the spirit of Jesus?
What makes Lent, or any time of the year, “holy” or spiritually beneficial are three practices: prayer, charity and penance. We need all three 365 days of the year; but we can focus on them more intensely during these forty days.
Here are ten suggestions. Choose one or some or all ten.

1. REFLECT

Ruben, an IT professional, says: “I am all into the world of IT and computers and Internet and Facebook contacts and that whole world based on machines. I run the risk of losing my humanity. So, I use Lent to take time to pause. I like to think of what life is about, what God means to me, and how to become a better human being.” I like to sit in a church or in my room or in a park quietly and face myself honestly.”

2. PRAY

Rita, a nurse in a city hospital, finds that her days are full—with work, travel, caring for family members. “When we are busy, the one we throw out first is often God. Isn’t it true? We say we are too busy to pray. But we find time for many other things. As I neglect God, I also lose my peace of mind and become less caring. So, I want to pray more during Lent. I want to get up ten minutes earlier and spend that time talking with God. On days I do this, I am happier and stronger.”

3. FAST

Jason, a college student, is fond of good food and the occasional drink. Nothing wrong with having a good appetite, but if food becomes a big concern in life, what will happen to more important things? So, Jason has decided to abstain during Lent from some of the foods he likes a lot, and to have just one meal on Fridays. When he tried this in other years, he found that it was a struggle at the beginning, but left him feeling happier afterwards. The sense of being in control rather than be controlled by his desires is a good feeling, he says. After all, he says, we need discipline to succeed in any line—sports, business, research, body-building. Why not be more disciplined to be a better human being?

4. help

Jesus’ main message to us, without any doubt, is: You are tenderly loved by God. What God wants most from you is that you love one another. Use Lent to grow in love. If sharing an ice cream makes someone else happy, do it, rather than avoid ice cream because we are in Lent. Love matters more than fasting or saying prayers. Whom will you help during Lent? Is there anyone in need of a visit, a kind word of encouragement, some financial help? Anyone who is alone or lonely whom you can visit?

5. VISIT

Visit that aged relative whom you may have been neglecting. Visit a home for the aged. Talk with some of the inmates. Several of them long for a visit. Visit your parents if you have been away long.

6. SHARE

What gifts can you share? Time? Money? Talents? If you are a parent, train your children to share, not to accumulate. Today, with smaller families, there is a great danger of children becoming more self-centred and less willing to share. Teach them to celebrate Christmas and their birthday and other special occasions by sharing things with poorer kids, rather than wait for one more gift.

7. APOLOGIZE

Have you hurt anyone? If so, apologize. Say sorry for any pains you caused, rather than give excuses or blame other people. Blaming serves no useful purpose. An apology brings healing, both to you and to the person you have injured. If there are divisions in your family or religious congregation, do something about it this Lent. Often, people are waiting for someone else to take the first step. Whoever takes that first step, does a lot for the healing of hearts.

8. FORGIVE

Forgive those who hurt you. Learn from people who have forgiven atrocious ill-treatment and injustice. Forgiving is a favour you do to yourself. Keeping anger in your heart does you enormous damage. Forgive! Let go of hurts! Don’t let anger and grudges poison your life.

9. APPRECIATE

Most people long for a word of appreciation. Do you thank people for their services—the driver, the cook, the lift operator, the watchman? Do you notice the good that people do, and say a word of appreciation? A simple, spontaneous word of appreciation means much more than formal speeches on the stage. Each of us can multiply the good in the world if we affirm those who do good.

10. READ THE BIBLE

Spend time with the Word of God. It carries all the answers we need. We often seek solutions and guidance else where. Make your prayer life centred on Jesus and the Bible, not on saints (including founders). During Lent, become more familiar with the Word of God. Allow it to become really the lamp for your feet and the light on your path.

The core of Lent is a change of heart, not simply a change of diet. If you change your diet at all (e.g., by avoiding meat, and fasting on prescribed days), please remember it is only a reminder of the main thing—to become more loving, more disciplined and more God-centred.
If so, Easter will truly be a rising to a new life—a life more like that of Jesus

---

 – Fr. Joe Mannath SDB is the National Secretary of CRI and the editor of this magazine

To subscribe to the magazine     Contact Us

Are you happy? Or better, how happy are you? Here is LESSON NUMBER ONE on happiness: No one else can give it you. Circumstances cannot cause it. You have to build it—on seven strong pillars. If these pillars are strong, you will be a happy person—even when things do not go the way you like. If not, you will be waiting—in vain—for events or people to bring you happiness. They will not. Seven strong pillars. Seven secrets—which, deep down, all of us know

1. LOVE

The surest way of becoming

I had a simple and dramatic illustration of this at a seminar for psychologists. Geeta, a counsellor and therapist in her early forties, came for a chat. She had gone through a phase, she said, when her enthusiasm was waning, and she found herself more and more unhappy. She asked herself: What is happening? What can I do about this? She came to this simple conclusion: Whatever the setting, I can bring more love into it. “Once I made this mental shift and acted on it,” she said, smiling, “I have been happy.” In fact, she lived this truth in the seminar itself. After getting her room, she asked the organizers, “Do you need any help?” “Yes, we do. Can you help to distribute the material?” She did this readily. This readiness was the fruit of the mental shift he had made: I can bring more love into any setting I am in. This is the simplest, most practical secret of happiness— not waiting to be looked after, but reaching out in love. We are hurt most in relationships. We are healed best through relationships. Both our greatest sufferings and our deepest joys are linked to relationships. Do you agree? Happiness? The most frequent experiences of happiness are linked to relationships—being with someone we love, doing something for someone out of love, thinking of someone dear to us, receiving a sign of love from someone. The September issue of MAGNET presented a research (under “Psychology and Life”) showing how the greatest help for health and happiness as we grow older is cultivating close friendships. Beena, a seminar participant, whose radiant face was a treat, said: “I learned this from my mother,” she said. “Whatever her troubles, she went about cheerfully, making others happy. I learnt from her that we can think of others, and keep ourselves happy.” We will be tempted to take short-cuts or seek comfort and escape in selfishness; this may even appear clever to us—to refuse to help, to put down someone else, to shun sacrifices or get someone else to do the harder jobs—but we will soon discover that selfishness—using people for our immediate satisfaction or advantage—leads to unhappiness and the weight of a lonely heart bereft of love. In fact, research shows that, if depressed people reach out to help others, their depression weakens, and they feel happier. If you want to be happy, don’t postpone the decision to love—and to be happy—to a vague future. Decide to do at least three loving things today, without expecting any reward. And, at the end of the day, before you to go to sleep, check what are things you did out of love today. Those are the best things you will have done today, and the ones most likely to make you deeply happy.

2. Faith

If you want to be happy, get close to God

Abundant research evidence has convinced psychologists that people who pray, people whom are more active in their religious practices, live longer, enjoy better health and are able to handle the stresses of life far better. Fr. M. M. Balaguer SJ, whom I was privileged to have as my spiritual guide for a while, explained to me the secret of his remarkable serenity and inner strength. “In everything that happens to you,” he would tell me, with deep conviction, “The Lord has a message for you.” Want to try it? You will see that it works. The next time something happens that upsets or disappoints you, instead of shouting and grumbling or withdrawing into a bad mood, ask yourself: “What is the Lord telling me through this?” Some people are deeply rooted in that awareness. Such was the case of Barbara, a brilliant medical professional working with the US State Department. When she needed serious surgery, and, being a doctor herself, knew the risks involved, she wrote to ask for prayers. She had complications of brain and heart functions, and anesthesia itself could be dangerous. Knowing all this, what did she ask me to pray for? “Joe,” she wrote, “Please pray that I may learn whatever I am meant to learn from this experience.” Faith does not remove all pain from life, not give us easy answers. But it can provide an anchor, a sense of our worth, a sense of hope in the face of despair, tremendous inner strength to face struggles light and heavy. It makes us see ourselves as significant loved ones who matter for Someone who really cares. This is why I consider Lorraine one of the best lifeteachers I have ever had. Lorraine laughed a lot, although she was in the final stages of cancer, and knew it. One day, she invited two of us for dinner, a meal she herself cooked. When we went to her house, we saw a huge stuffed toy: a large rabbit holding a baby rabbit in its arms. Lorraine explained: “When I bought it, the two rabbits were standing, holding hands. I unstitched the fingers, and put the baby rabbit in the mother rabbit’s arms, and stitched the arms of the mother rabbit around the little rabbit.” The reason: “Because that is how I feel in the arms of God.” She maintained her trust—and her hearty laughter—right through the remaining months up to her death. Life is not easy for anyone. Don’t expect it to be a cakewalk. If you want to be happy in the mixture of heartaches and smiles that is everyone’s lot, have a strong, solid anchor that will keep your ship safe. That anchor, that rootedness in love, is what faith is about. It is probably the surest foundation for a happy life.

3. Purpose

If you want to be happy, live for something!

Sheena, a young woman who longed to have a baby, but found, after repeated medical treatments, that she would not be able to conceive, told me of the emptiness in her life. This changed dramatically after she and husband decided to adopt a baby. Now she feels that her life has a purpose. She is ready to make any sacrifice for the child. Parenthood gives most people a strong sense of purpose. So does commitment to a mission. A friend once gave me a poster: “Hold fast to dreams; for, when dreams die, life becomes a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.” Do you have great dreams? What dreams are you following? What makes you come alive? What difference do you want to make? By the time you die, what good will you have done? One simple way to check your dreams and sense of purpose is to ask yourself what upsets you or makes you angry. If you have no great dreams, nothing worthwhile to pursue, you will be upset by tiny problems. You will get into a bad mood because the food was not tasty, or because someone criticized you, or your bed was not comfortable. If, instead, you are pursuing worthwhile goals, these minor irritations will strike you for what they are—mere pinpricks. You can handle these and much more. You can find purpose in looking after a family, or in being committed to a cause (e.g., education of poor girls), or pursuing a religious ideal (e.g., bring God’s love, especially to the sick and the suffering), or in accepting suffering for an ideal you believe in (e.g., to die for one’s country, or to bear hunger to feed one’s children, or to make sacrifices for the people we work for). A research published in in March 2015 showed that those with a high sense of purpose have lower rates of heart disease and early death. What you live for defines you more truly than what you have, or what others think of you. If you are gripped by something worthwhile you really believe in, and sacrifice yourself readily to achieve that goal, you will be among the happiest of human beings. For it is purpose, not pleasure, that supplies us happiness in a steady dose.

4. Gratitude

Want to be Happy? Be Grateful

We were about to start our supper, when Katherine, the mother of the family, turned to one of her sons and said, “Tommy, you start today.” Tommy told us: “I am happy because I met one of my good friends today.” Then, each of them shared with the rest of the family something good they had experienced that day. This is what they do every evening, as they sit down for supper. Katherine taught the family this wise and beautiful practice—to end the day on a note of gratitude. The easiest and most accessible road to happiness is gratitude. Right now, as you are reading this page, you can be grateful for eye sight and health, for life and family, for friends and freedom, for so many other blessings you normally take for granted, or you can ruin your mood by recalling something unpleasant, or be settling scores in your head. Another happy family I know learned from their mother to count their blessings. She herself is an example of this. Once, when she had gone to the shrine of Our Lady in Vailanganni and come back, I asked her what she had prayed for. I thought she had gone there to pray for her seriously ill husband and their six children. The answer she gave me was a lesson in wisdom. “I had so many things to thank God for, that I did not have time to ask for anything,” she said. Suppose you miss a bus. What is your normal reaction? To feel irritated and grumble, or to think: “Thank God I have enough health. I can walk.” Or: “This is no major tragedy; there are always other options.” Every one of us gets a mixed bag. Life is not all pleasant for some and all hardship for others. Each person is handed a bag made up of easy, pleasant, hard, trying, enjoyable and painful experiences. The art of happiness is to consciously notice the good—e.g., health, family, loving people, safety, talents, freedom, opportunities—and to be grateful to God and to people, and to know that we have the resources for handling the hard part. The happiest people are not those having an easy life. They are persons who have learnt to count their blessings, and not waste precious energy focusing on the negative. An experiment on the link between gratitude and happiness is found on Youtube. Those who recalled the person they were grateful to, and phoned and told the person about this, showed a remarkable increase in happiness. An Austrian artist-psychologist called David SendahlRast became a monk. He writes and speaks on happiness. Every night, before going to sleep, he writes down something for which he has not yet thanked God. He has been doing it for years, and yet—this is striking and beautiful—he finds something new every day. Think of that: something new every night for which he has not yet thanked God. Aren’t we, in comparison, blind and unaware? Want to try what Brother David has tried? Try it tonight to begin with, and you will notice how incredibly blessed you are, and how much there really is to celebrate. Happiness will follow.

5. Forgiveness

If you want to be happy, learn to forgive!

When we forgive, we get rid of poison. We get rid of one of the major obstacles to our happiness—the tendency to keep grudges, nurse hatred and fill our hearts with bitterness and rancour. When we say things like, “But I have every reason to be angry!” or “If you knew what happened, you would know why I hate him so,” we may be “right” logically, but we are damaging ourselves. Hatred and bitterness burrow deep into our soul, and take away our peace and happiness. A priest friend of mine, whom I have always found to be serene and happy, shared his secret with me. At his golden jubilee celebration, he told us, with evident sincerity, that he had never been unhappy. Once, when he had been unfairly criticized and even calumniated, I told him I admired the serenity with which he faced the unjust attacks. His answer was deep and simple: “When someone speaks ill of me, I pray extra for that person.” Much unhappiness is rooted in our selective memories. (This is true of happiness as well.) If I come to the end of the day, and tend to dwell on the hurts I received, and forget the goodness that came my way, I cause my own misery. It is not the hurts that bear fruits of bitterness; it is, rather, my foolish habit of dwelling on negative experiences, forgetting all the good I have seen and received. The memories we tend to relive are the main cause of our high or low moods; they slowly turn us into positive or bitter individuals. No doubt the Buddha said, “our own unguarded thoughts can harm us more than our worst enemies.” Once I understand that God uses both pleasant and unpleasant settings to form me, that everyone around me need not treat me as I like, that, rather than wait for others to understand me, I need to see God’s plans for me, my whole way of looking at life is transformed. Life does not become easy overnight; people do not become angels. But, I find a new vision that transforms my inner world and makes it radiant. To quote the Buddha again, “Being angry is like carrying burning coals in your hand, and expecting others to get burnt.” Some psychologists use a half-humorous and wise expression: “Don’t give your enemies free accommodation in your head!” You and I would not invite the shadiest or most violent characters to live in our house, would we? Much less would we do this free of charge! And yet, when we entertain hatred, or refuse to let go of hurts, we are giving free board and lodging to precisely the experiences and memories that damage us most. Is this wise?

6. Simplicity

of Life Don’t confuse “needs” and “wants”

“What can we give a man who has everything?” asked Tim’s son. We all laughed. Tim was one of the happiest people in the parish, a person held in high esteem by most, who had come up the hard way. Tim kept his life very simple. Everyone who knew him was aware of that. With his usual happy expression, Tim responded: “It is not that I have everything. But I learnt early in life to distinguish between what I want and what I need. That has kept me happy.” His is one of the hardest stories I know, and one of the most inspiring. It was no joke losing your father when you were just seven and having to promise your dying dad that you would look after your mother, your paralyzed granny and your younger brother! Tim promised, and he kept his promise. Watch the short video of Mrs Sudha Murthy of Bangalore being interviewed. The interviewer is shocked to see that this woman, who could have all the luxuries she wants, leads an utterly simple life. She dislikes shopping, and wants nothing that she does not need—and she is very happy being this way. While travelling with one of the Brothers of the Taizé Community (an ecumenical group based in France), I was struck by his very simple life-style—dress, demeanour, food, travel. He then shared a personal conviction, “Whenever I get back to France from India, I get rid of some more things in my room. I am convinced that affluence leads to unhappiness.” Affluence leading to unhappiness? Aren’t our TV commercials telling us the exact opposite of that? And don’t many of us—lay people, priests, religious—end up swallowing the commercials? We add more and more unnecessary things to our life, often justifying the luxury with the excuse they were gifts. Slowly our witness goes down the drain; our peace of mind vanishes. When Jesus spoke the Beatitudes, he was really talking to the poor. “Happy are you, poor!” must have sounded like absolute nonsense to many. A priest working in an urban U. S. parish told me, “The highest rate of suicides in our town is in the most affluent areas.” I am not staying that material things are bad. No, we need them to a certain extent. We all need food, clothes, a home, medicines, books and means of travel. What I am saying that is that there is no end to the list of things we would like to have—the many “good” things that can clutter our life or even become on obsession. Have you realized that, to enjoy the beauty of a rose, that flower does not have to be in your garden? To enjoy music, you need not the one singing on the stage. One of the greatest blessings of my life has been to meet and know truly good people—genuine, happy, loving men and women who are a joy to be with, an inspiration worth emulating. I find, almost invariably, that they are wise women and man who are content with little, with no greed to have more, who enjoy giving more than grabbing, and who are rich enough deep within, so as not to need the trappings that money can buy. They do not seem to have an inner void which must be filled up with things. If you are worth much, you will not need things to prove that you are worth something.

7. Enjoy the Ordinary Pleasures of Life

And do it now!

Cartoon of a tombstone: “Here lies someone who was going to be happy tomorrow!” Don’t wait to be happy. Now is the time! What are the simple, ordinary pleasures you can enjoy right now? Here are examples. I got up in good health and am free of aches and pains. I can breathe and walk and eat normal meals. I can open my eyes and read what I am writing now. I can enjoy the fresh air and sun and taking a bath. It would be foolish to start appreciating all this after losing them! So, too, so much can be enjoyed by having people around me. Jokes and chat and meaningful conversations. Being able to travel and see people and places. Phones and computers and the Internet. As a senior woman told me when talking about being grateful, “Appreciate not only the water or the coffee on the table, but also your able to stretch your hand and hold the cup.” Suresh, a computer engineer, beams as he tells me: “The nicest part of the day is when I am falling asleep, holding my little son. I can feel his breath on my cheeks. Ah, this is the best of part of my day.” Nothing extraordinary in this—a man holding his child and falling asleep. Any of us can enjoy such ordinary pleasures. We can learn to be consciously enjoy the ordinary events and experiences of any typical day. We do not need to travel far, or see new places, or be famous, or wait for some unusual event to be deeply happy. And we can learn to enjoy this moment. Happiness (or unhappiness is something I construct and enjoy right now, not a golden rainbow that waits for me in some distant future or in some faraway place.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

The Best Advice about Marriage

So, rather than wait, want to be happy today? But, be honest! Do you take responsibility for your happiness? Or, are you waiting for others to do it for you? Just as there are patients who would rather be sick or sickly, rather than do what they need to do (diet, exercise, give up smoking, etc.), there are many who would rather be miserable, complain (and seek sympathy) than take the demanding steps that would make them happy. This is why I am asking you: Do you really want to be happy? Are you ready to take the steps for it? It will be easier to grumble and moan, blame others and drown in inertia, than take your life in hand and see what you NEED to do to be a happy, positive person. Let me quote Anne, a married woman: “The best sermon I have heard about marriage is what my husband told me on the day we got married. He said, ‘During the reception, the waiters came around with tasty items on a platter. All we had to do was to stretch our hand and pick up what we liked. If you and I want to be happy, let us remember that happiness won’t be served us on a plate. We will have to work for it.’ So true.” Anne’s words remind me of another oft-forgotten truth: Happiness has more to do with showing love to your family and close friends, and spending quality time with them, than with fame or with what strangers think of you. Happiness, therefore, is a by-product. Like our shadow, it cannot be chased and won directly. Nor will it land in our lap through our wishful thinking. We have to work for it, yes; but it is largely a by-product—of faith, of love, of gratitude; of the wisdom to sort out needs from wants; of the readiness to forgive rather than nurse hurts; of being committed to worthwhile goals; of the hard decision to do my part today rather than wait passively for a happy future. There are little, concrete steps I can take today that will help me fill this day with much happiness. In that sense, it depends more on my decisions than on luck (or fate). Anything worthwhile demands effort. Happiness is no exception.

Why wait for the moon?

All of us live in an imperfect world, surrounded by imperfect others, and we ourselves are far from perfect. The secret of happiness lies in finding joy in the midst of life’s ups and downs. There is no golden tomorrow where everything will be easier than now. The time to be happy is now; the place is here. I end with the lovely, wise words on a card I once received from a friend. The picture showed a man standing on the moon and looking at the earth. The words were: “Only on the moon will some people realize how happy they could have been on the earth.” Don’t wait until you get to the moon. Far better, far wiser, to learn to be happy right here, today! Learn to be happy on this our imperfect earth! You know the secret. The seven pillars need to be strong—loving relationships, closeness to God, commitment to something worthwhile, gratitude, forgiveness, simplicity of life and readiness to enjoy simple pleasures. Make sure the pillars are strong and in place. Happiness will follow. Are you happy right now? If yes, you will be such a lovely gift to those around you. If not, what are you waiting for?

---

To subscribe to the magazine     Contact Us

Instead of reviewing one book, why not present ten good books on happiness, I thought. Looking at lists found on the Net, I found hundreds of titles.

Please do not take anyone’s list as the Gospel truth. You may go ecstatic over a book, which does not impress me, or vice-versa. What you and I are looking for, may be different.

Having mentioned this caveat,   let me present a list of ten good books which many people have found useful and inspiring.

One more word of caution: Reading a book will not make you happy, just as reading a book on fitness will not make you physically fit. You need to DO what the book talks about. Happiness is not something a person or a book can bring us. People or books can tell us what they found helpful in their pursuit of happiness. Becoming happy is my choice and responsibility. Books and experts cannot give it to me.

Want to learn more? Here are ten books, in alphabetical order.

1. The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama is a simple and practical exposition of the Buddhist philosophy of peace and compassion as a foundation of “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” (Available also in Indian languages.)

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

2. Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment by Martin Seligman. Seligman is the “father” of what is known as Positive Psychology, which explores the positive aspects of life rather than focus on what goes wrong.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

3. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown. She calls herself a “researcher-storyteller” who has researched, written and spoken about vulnerability, shame and ways of leading happier

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

4. Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar, who teaches a very popular course on happiness at Harvard University, which thousands of students have attended. The author sees happiness as something we can learn to cultivate. One of the chief obstacles Ben-Shahar sees to happiness is perfectionism.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

 5. Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life’s Most Important Skill by French scientist-turned-Buddhist-monk Matthieu Ricard. He has a degree in molecular genetics, and later turned his attention to Buddhism. Became a monk, and lives in Nepal. His book combines the wisdom of the Buddhist tradition with the findings of Western science.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

6. The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom,   Jonathan Haidt unearths ten great theories of happiness from ancient times until today. Combines ancient and perennially valid spiritual teachings with the insights of contemporary science.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

7. The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun by Gretchen Rubin is based on her experiences which she wrote down in a blog. It is humorous, practical and also based on scientific data.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

8. Stumbling On Happiness by Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbertis rated by some as the best-researched yet easily accessible book on happiness. It explains some of the common misconceptions about happiness and ways in which we limit ourselves in our quest.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

9. The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want by Sonja Lyubomirsky. Her current research addresses three critical questions: 1) What makes people happy?; 2) Is happiness a good thing?; and 3) How and why can people learn to lead happier and more flourishing lives? Why Are Some People Happier Than Others?

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

10 % Happier by Dan Harris. A straight-forward, humorous, intelligent book on what meditation did for his busy media man. He shares his struggles and the changes he has noticed in himself as the result of meditation. According to Harris, even a few minutes of meditation can make a difference.

(Apart from these books, it is worth watching the videos of the TED talks by Seligman, Ricard, Brown and Gilbert, which are among the highest-rated TED talks ever.)

 Deeper and more lasting guidelines for finding happiness and peace are found in the world’s great religious and spiritual traditions. The Beatitudes given by Jesus, for instance, are a blueprint for happiness very different from the ways of the world. The lives of the saints, who lived out these gospel teachings best, are vivid illustrations of happiness. People found deep joy in the midst of rejection, pain, illness and when facing death. There are far deeper truths about human life than what psychology can explore or teach. Thus, a person who has never read any book on happiness, nor heard of therapy or positive psychology, may be deeply happy because of a profound sense of God or a deeply committed life. Such lives are probably the best “books” on happiness. Meet them! Read them!

---

 – Fr. Joe Mannath SDB is the National Secretary of CRI and the editor of this magazine

To subscribe to the magazine     Contact Us

 

You are reading this article now, because you took a decision to do it. You could be doing many other things right now. But you chose to read.

Decisions are something we cannot avoid. From the time we get up until we go to bed, we take many decisions. How do we learn to make GOOD decisions—decisions that increase our happiness and well-being, and do not do us or others harm?

Here are five tips that I have found useful.

1. Seek God’s guidance.

Jason, a married man with three grown-up children, was preparing for his eldest son’s wedding. He told me that every morning, before meeting friends or taking major decisions, he would go the church, kneel and talk to God. While being brilliant and well-educated, he was convinced  that “God has a thousand solutions where I see only one. God’s plans are much better than mine.”

This is wise.

God knows me better than I do, and God’s plans for me are much wiser than mine. He is close to me, and cares about my well-being far more than I do. So, before taking any important step, it is a very smart thing to seek God’s guidance.

How do we do it?

Simply by saying a prayer in our heart, calling on God by any of your favourite names for Him, “Help me to take the right decision, according to your plans for me. May my decisions do much good, and never harm anyone.”

Or, you can ask yourself: What would Jesus do in this situation?

Those who seek God’s will and guidance regularly, and try to live by it, develop a wisdom that comes from God. Their decisions tend to be enlightened.

2. Consult a wise person:

Do this especially if the issue is important, e.g., a vocation choice or deciding on higher studies, or seeking serious medical treatment. In such crucial matters, it would be foolish to go by our limited knowledge alone. None of us knows our strengths and weaknesses fully, nor the possibilities open to us.

When Patrick was a novice, he had thoughts of joining a contemplative order. He did not realize that he was idealizing contemplative life, and not looking at himself realistically. A senior priest, known for leading a good life, and guiding others, told him, “Patrick, from what I know of you, you are better suited to an active religious order.”

Patrick would later say that this guidance proved to be wise.

If the issue is minor (what to eat for breakfast, or which TV show to watch), we need not waste others’ time by consulting them, of course! But serious decisions affect our happiness and the well-being of others. Talking to a wise person clarifies matters, helps us to see options we had not thought of, and leads us to discover gifts we did not even know we had. A good parent or formator or counsellor gives us loving attention, and frees us from undue anxiety, and help us to take decisions with greater clarity and confidence.

3. Check how you would advise someone else:

If someone else were to come to me with this problem, how would I advise him/her? That may be the advice I need to give to myself.

4. Write down the pros and cons:

If you are confused about the choices before you, writing can clarify matters. Write down three things: OPTIONS, OUTCOMES, FEELINGS. That is: What are the options available to me? At times we say silly things like, “Oh, there are a hundred and one things to think of!” No, there aren’t. Write down your real options. They will probably come down to two or three. Next, write down the possible outcome for each option. An example would be: If I leave the convent, I will have to find a job and look after myself. Thirdly, how am I likely to feel in each option? Where do I think I feel happiest and most at peace? Where do I think I will be more troubled or restless? Our feelings are (often, not always) good indicators of what is good for us.

There are no perfect choices in life. We will not like everything about any option, but writing helps to clarify our possibilities.

5. Do not decide when moved by intense emotion:

When we are moved by intense anger, or deep sadness, or bitter jealousy or strong sexual attraction, our judgement is clouded. We tend to make stupid decisions that we later repent of. Thus, for instance, a jealous person may go around pulling down the person s/he is jealous of; the speaker is only cutting one’s own throat, winning the contempt of people. Or, if I am intensely angry, I will get into fights, abusive language and physical violence, and make enemies unnecessarily. Or, if I feel depressed, I may want to run away from my present setting, or get drunk or even think of suicide. Or if a boy is strongly attracted to a girl, he may imagine her to be more perfect than she really is, and decide to run away with her, without thinking of the consequences. Marriages based mostly on strong sexual attraction are on the rocks very soon.

When we are under the sway of strong (especially “negative”) emotions, that is the time to wait, say a silent prayer, and talk things over with someone we trust. It is probably the worst time for  taking decisions.

To conclude:

In minor matters, spontaneity is fine.

In major decisions: pray, reflect, consult, write down options.

Strong emotions (especially anger, jealousy, depression and lust) blind us and can misguide us. Pause, pray, confide in someone.

May you learn to make wise decisions—choices that lead to your happiness and integral well-being.

---

– Dr Jeff T. Manning 

To subscribe to the magazine     Contact Us