Since the day God created man and woman, it has been His desire that they be joined together to join with Him in bringing new life into the world. His vision was simple and beautiful. For Adam and Eve, the prospects for a joyful and prosperous life together were assured since God’s plan provided for their every need. It was only when they turned away from God’s plan that the problems started. And so it has been throughout the millennia that men and women come together to share life and create new life, all too often pursuant to their human nature and not God’s original plan. As time has passed marriage has become for many a cultural institution rather than a godly creation. But for us Catholics, the Sacrament of Matrimony is available as a grace-filled reminder that God’s original plan for marriage is far superior and the true pathway to a life of joy and peace. Why is it then that so few young couples embrace the Sacrament and fall instead into the cultural model of marriage which leads to heartache and failure ever more frequently?
Let’s face it… marriage is not really as natural a state as it appears on its face. Yes, men and women are naturally attracted to one another. Our God-given sexuality draws us to another. Our attraction has us see that which makes us happy and brings us joy. It causes us to want to be together. But it doesn’t necessarily help us to learn how to live together in an exclusive life- long relationship. While our desires bring us together, they can’t equip us to deal with the fundamental reality that we are two different people who are self-protective and who often have different notions of what it means to be husband and wife.
Conscious and Unconscious Choices
From the day we are born we are learning how to survive and thrive in this world. Whether we realize it or not we are learning how to live from our parents, relatives, friends and other teachers. We absorb values that will apply to our adult lives and learn behaviors which we will employ in similar life situations and circumstances. While conscious choice can have an influence on who we become and how we choose to act, the things that we pick up unconsciously are likely to have a very significant influence over how we act and react, particularly in times of stress or fatigue. Regardless of our vocation, we have all been trained by the people we live with or the culture that surrounds us. Unless we choose a different path, we are likely to walk down the familiar one time and time again.
Looking back, it is easy to see Crystal and me in this typical pattern. We met at our workplace when we were in our late 20s. For both of us it was a relatively carefree time as we enjoyed our work and came to enjoy each other’s company. I was attracted to Crystal’s inherent joyfulness, warmth and caring, all delivered with a radiant smile. It became apparent rather quickly that the attraction was mutual and as our trust in the other’s love grew it was natural for us to choose to spend our lives together as husband and wife. Those first years of marriage seemed like paradise. We continued to enjoy all aspects of our lives: work, relaxation and time with friends on weekends were now something we were able to share. The attractions that drew us together were strong enough to overcome the little differences we began to discover as we lived under the same roof.
The next transition would prove to be a bit more challenging. When our children were born all of a sudden we were no longer just spouses; we were parents. It didn’t take long before our “subconscious training” kicked in. I became my Dad and Crystal became her mother. It wasn’t long before our lives began drifting apart as we focused much of our time and energy on our separate roles of good provider and nurturing mother.
While our respective roles were valuable for the good of the family, they came to overshadow the importance of the roles of loving husband and wife. We lost sight of the importance of seeking the happiness of the other and began to return to the self-protective ways that came naturally.
Fortunately, the Holy Spirit called us to a Catholic Couples Retreat, where God’s plan for marriage was revealed.We discovered that we could choose to find real joy through a mutually self-giving way of life patterned on Christ’s life. While the past twenty-five years haven’t always been easy, it definitely has been a journey filled with hope and promise of greater joy and peace than the world could ever hope to provide.
Shortly after that retreat, I remember reading an article advising couples that in order to have a successful marriage, we should put God first, our spouses second, and our children third. I wondered how this could possibly be true, as in the U.S. culture it seemed as if almost everyone had an opposite view of appropriate priorities. In fact, it seems that God was lucky to come in third, as work, sports and recreation takes up so much time and focus in most families. Nonetheless, I made an earnest attempt to learn more about Christ and what a life centered on His values might look like. Now, many years later, I see the wisdom in this ordering of priorities. Every time I try to truly love God and live as a Christian… every single time… I am a far more loving, forgiving and joyful wife and mother. Applying the virtues that Christ modeled changes the dynamics of relationships.
At the beginning, I had to work hard to make those daily conscious choices to overcome my selfish tendencies. Did I enjoy being lazy and sipping my coffee in bed while Kevin got ready for work? Yes I did, but I knew that making an effort to get up and give him a loving send off was more in the order of what Jesus would do. Did our children leave their clothes lying around on the floor for me to pick up and clean? Yes they did, and acting on my own, I could become resentful and voice my opinion aggressively. Using Jesus as my guide, I would consider all of their many wonderful qualities, ask them firmly to give me a helping hand, and simply get on with life, maybe even being thankful for the opportunity to be a stay-at-home wife and mother.
How things work best
As the saying goes, practice makes perfect. As the years of living a Christian marriage have added up, it becomes easier (most of the time) to choose to love God by loving Kevin. I have often thought of marriage like a rock tumbler. With each spin our rough edges are being smoothed away and the bumps are no longer quite as jarring. And the children? Grown and gone, showing the wisdom of the advice to give priority to our spousal relationship. If anything, the pattern of self-giving love that Kevin and I have attempted to show each other has become a model for our daughter in her marriage, hopefully beginning a reversal of the cultural training that encourages self-interest.
Regardless of the vocation we have been called to, we need to contemplate Jesus as the model for joyful and peaceful living. When we consciously choose to disengage from the earthly battles that disturb our peace and seek to unite ourselves more closely to God’s heavenly plan, we will live our own modified version of paradise. And God will say, “This is very good!”
– Crystal and Kevin Sullivan have been involved in ministering to young couples for years. Kevin retired early from his legal firm to dedicate himself full time to ministry. Crystal left the corporate world to raise her children, completed a Master’s in Pastoral Theology and is into various forms of ministry. They have a daughter and a son, and three grandchildren.
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