Crystal shares with our readers how deeply and positively she has been transformed by retreats—both the retreats she attended and the ones she gave.
I can still remember with great clarity the first retreat I ever attended. It was in August of 1991, when I was thirty-five years old. Though I had been raised to be a devout Catholic, my faith faded as I attended a public high school and university. I was more wrapped up in worldly pleasures and success than in taking part in any Church activity.
By the time I was thirty-five, I had all the outward trappings of success, being married, with two young children in a comfortable home, but was increasingly unhappy with my life. Perhaps that is why the invitation to attend a Marriage Encounter weekend retreat was so appealing. I thought it would be an opportunity to improve our marriage and hopefully to get my husband Kevin to change. Little did I know as I entered that hotel with my suitcase packed with a bottle of wine, a swimming suit and a big book to read during spare hours that it would be my life that would be forever changed.
Startling and Exciting
The retreat was led by three couples and a priest, with each presentation building on the premise that their lives were renewed when they started to live God’s plan for their marriage. Needless to say, the swimming suit was never used and the book never got opened, and by the end of the weekend, the positive effect of the retreat on our marriage was startling and exciting.
However, I did have one huge hurdle to overcome, because over the years I had become an agnostic, not truly believing that God existed or, if He did, that He had anything to do with my life here on earth. As a result of that first retreat, I started a quest to find the truth about God. I read book after book about the various religions of the world and still felt dissatisfied.
Ultimately, I read a book about the alleged apparitions of the Blessed Mother in Medjugorje. It was after reading the book that I simply asked God to let me know if this could possibly be true, that He truly existed and that He loved me. What followed was to be the single most powerful experience of my life, as I was overcome with a virtual flood of powerful graces of love and mercy. In that moment, as unworthy as I was, the gift of faith had been given to me as a tremendous grace.
Embarrassing and Revealing Dream
With a newly enriched faith, I began to desire more and more opportunities to know God. Kevin and I attended a Couple Prayer Retreat, as well as other days of enrichment, where we learned how to communicate our love for God and each other in new ways. Each time I felt like I was beginning to draw nearer to God, but I desired more. Noticing the ever-increasing number of books on the spiritual life that were lining my bookshelf, Kevin suggested that perhaps I should organize my reading by taking part in a Master’s program at a local Catholic Seminary. This was how I found myself at a retreat center with a priest who instructed the students to ask God to send us a dream that would give us direction for what He wanted us to know.
The next morning, as the other students at the breakfast table recounted their dreams which seemed so holy and spiritual, I felt like shrinking away into my seat. I reluctantly shared how my dream had been superficial, as I was going around from shop to shop searching for pearls, but was unable to find any. In my dream, I returned home and was surprised to find a shop in my basement, and there were the pearls.
The priest happened to be walking by as I was recounting the dream and trying to laugh off my embarrassment that I was not good material for the spiritual world. He stopped in his tracks and pulled me aside. With great gentleness and encouragement, he explained the dream to me and suggested I read the Interior Castle by St. Teresa of Avila. It was another opportunity to learn not only how much God loved me, but how much more there was to learn about Him. It occurred to me that there would never be enough days to learn about God’s great love and mercy, even if I lived to be one hundred and read every book I could. Up to this point, all of God’s interventions and messages of love came without any effort on my part, other than showing up!
Nature Walks
More years went by and I continued to take part in different programs offered by our parish. One day, I received an invitation to take part in a silent retreat being held at an Abbey close by. Everyone that knows me knew that the first miracle had already happened, that an outgoing and talkative woman like me would even be drawn to such an experience. Once again, I arrived at the Abbey with no understanding of what to expect other than to open myself up to God’s presence. Even though I had brought numerous spiritual books along with me, I barely made a dent in them. I found myself attracted to the outdoor grounds, wandering for hours down the trails and roads around the Abbey. Not being an outdoorsy type, I was surprised by how close I felt to God in the beauty of creation, just listening to the birds, feeling the warmth of the sunshine, and enjoying the colors of the various wild flowers. As the weekend came to a close, I was reluctant to leave the quiet comfort of being alone with God, without the usual chatter that fills my days. I became determined to find this solitude and peace within my own home, dedicating a space there to enter into communion with God. With God’s grace, I have been able to continue this practice to this day, rising early in the morning before the sun comes up to spend time with my Jesus.
Learning from Prisoners
Just a few years ago, a friend shared with me the joy that she had experienced as a result of giving a retreat to women prisoners. Prison ministry had never even been a remote thought, but suddenly I felt called to be part of an ecumenical group of women who entered prison and through our witness talks brought them the messages of God’s great love and forgiveness. On my first retreat, I shared my story of some of the good and bad decisions I had made in my life. When I returned to the table, one of the prisoners turned to me with a great big smile on her face and said, “Miss Crystal, I think you belong in here with the rest of us.” And indeed I do! “There but for the grace of God go I” is the saying that applies to me. The women who are in prison are all beloved by God, and so eager to know what it means to be loved unconditionally. Most of us cannot imagine the poverty, the abuse and the addictions that have brought them to where they are. Frequently I hear them comment that they are grateful to be in prison, as it was there that they have learned about God and His mercy. In these retreats, I am constantly in awe of how much goodness exists in the hearts of all God’s people, and to never make judgments about others.
Every retreat I have ever attended has been unique, each bringing me a new gift of understanding that I had not expected. I am thankful to God for granting me the gift of faith and for giving me so many opportunities and ways to love Him. With as many years as I have left, I hope to continue to put myself in His presence and wait… for He is in fact a God of surprises!
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