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Here is a clear, open and competent discussion of an experience which affects many, but which very few discuss openly. –Editor

Fr John and Sr Liza had been friends for some years. They enjoyed their friendship. They felt much affection for each other. Whenever they were able to spend some time together, they were energised and left feeling good. Both felt their friendship was enhancing their relationship with God and their ministry. Both their communities were aware of their friendship, and were appreciative.

However, some years later, Liza realized that her feelings for John had become very intense. She was in love with him. She began to think of him obsessively and wanted to be with him. Thoughts of marriage with John frequently crossed her mind. At the same time, she was aware how committed John was to his religious life and priesthood. She knew he wouldn’t be open to marriage.

Liza was secure enough in her relationship to tell John what she was going through. John showed himself very understanding. He said he knew how she was feeling. He too had very deep affection for her. But he knew what his priority commitments were. He knew, he told her, that she too was deeply committed to her religious life. This was a crisis in their relationship that she had to work through. He suggested that she needs time by herself to sort things out, maybe with the help of a spiritual director. He would continue to be close to her and pray for her.

Liza took John’s suggestion. With the help of the spiritual director, she was able to sort things out. The turbulence in her heart and mind settled down. She realised she could have deep feelings for John and yet remain a deeply committed religious. What she went through, she realised was “temporary insanity.”

CAUTION NEEDED

Heterosexual friendships contribute significantly to psychosexual and emotional integration and enrich our relationship with God, with people and our ministry. However, we have also to be aware of them and learn to deal with them effectively, can also have a harmful effect on our celibate living. Some of these dynamics are described below.

1. Exclusive? Heterosexual friendships can lead gradually to an exclusiveness and captivity of the heart which can draw us away from the distinctive companionship of God in Jesus of Nazareth, which is the primary reason for celibate chastity. The intensity of the friendship can put a curb on our single-mindedness in following Jesus and working for His Kingdom. It can strangle our freedom, openness, and availability to all.

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FR JOSE PARAPPULLY SDB

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A young billionaire rushed into a hospital!  He asked the doctor, “How is my mother? When and why was she admitted?” The doctor said, “Your mother suffered a mild stroke. She was brought to the hospital in time by the elderly couple sitting there.” The son thanked the elderly couple profusely. “I am sorry I don’t recognise you,” he said. The lady replied that they didn’t know him either. The son was surprised. “How do you know my mother?” he asked. The gentleman replied,

“She is a member of our WhatsApp group”. The son looked dazed.

The gentleman continued, “We have a group on WhatsApp called The 60 Plus Group. Everyone sixty years and above is a member. It is the duty of the members to enrol those in their neighbourhood. Everyone has to send a “Good Morning” message every day. Similarly in the afternoon and night. The members can chat, exchange views, etc. If we do not receive the mandatory messages every day, the neighbouring members are alerted and they make it a point to visit the member.

“This morning, we didn’t get the message from your mother.  That’s why we are here.”

“It is not enough if you have provided your parents with all the facilities money can buy,” he continued. “They need people to talk to.  When was the last time you visited your mother?” The son couldn’t answer immediately. “See, that’s why we have this group. Otherwise, we 60+ people would be talking to walls and windows,” the couple said as they left. Don’t forget that while you are busy growing up, your parents are growing older.

In many families the parents are provided everything they need. Although they are rich, although they have all the material things they need, they feel they are poor. “Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty” said Mother Teresa, who picked up and cared for people in their loneliness and unwantedness.

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Sr Lini Sheeja MSC

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I am glad to share or recall my vocation story. I am Sr. Gracy from Tamil Nadu. I belong to the Sisters of Charity congregation, also known as Maria Bambina Sisters.

I am from a family of ten children, and I am the sixth child. When I was a little girl, I used to go to church regularly, especially on Sundays, because I was fascinated by the Missionaries of Charity (Sisters of Mother Teresa), who used to take catechism for us and also distribute sweets. I studied in the convent school run by the Coimbatore Presentation Sisters. At that age, I  used to be very sensitive.

When I was in the IX class, I attended the vocation camp arranged by our diocese. There were many sisters from different congregations who spoke about their charism. I was attracted by the Sisters of Charity whose charism is: “Show forth the merciful love of the Redeemer through the works of mercy.” Their mission consisted mainly in the education of girls and caring for the poor girls who are in moral danger. I strongly felt that, if a girl is educated, the whole family will benefit. So, I gave my name to them and returned home.

 After a month, a Sister from this congregation came to my home and spoke about their life and mission. They also fixed the date for me to go to the convent. I was happy, but my father was not. He did not allow me to join the convent. He tried to convince me to change my mind. So much so, that he made my uncle talk to me. My uncle spoke to me saying: “Why don’t you study now? Later you can marry and lead a happy life. You also can give a son to this world.” I replied saying, “Uncle, if I marry, I can be a mother of two or three children; but, if I become a sister, I can be a mother for so many children.” This answer puzzled my uncle. He told my father: “She is clear about her conviction.” So, my father gave me permission to go and join the convent.

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Sr Gracy Antony SCCG

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Everyone in the world of media seems to be talking about the prequel to the Lord of the Rings, whose rights Amazon has bought after paying a fortune. A new episode of this prequel, called The Rings of Power, is now available every Friday on Amazon Prime Video. The man who wrote the world famous The Lord of the Rings is the ‘candle’ we can gaze at this month.

John Ronald Reuel Tolkien, called simply J.R.R. Tolkien. was born on 3 January 1892 in South Africa. His father, a bank manager, had been sent to work in the South African branch of the British Bank. When he was just three years old, his mother Mabel took him and his brother to England for a lengthy family visit. His father, who was to join them, died suddenly of rheumatic fever. Deprived of her husband’s regular salary, Mabel took her two sons to live with her family in Birmingham.

When Ronald was eight, his mother Mabel and her sister, May, became Catholics. Angered by her decision to become a Catholic, all her Baptist relatives and those of her husband cut off all financial assistance to her and her two sons. Undeterred, she and her two sons remained devout Catholics throughout their lives. The parish priest, who visited the family regularly, was Fr Francis Morgan.

In 1904, when J. R. R. Tolkien was twelve, his mother died of acute diabetes, as insulin had not yet been discovered. Later Tolkien called her a martyr “who killed herself with labour and trouble to ensure us keeping the faith.” Before her death, Mabel had made Fr Morgan the guardian of her two sons.

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Fr M A Joe Antony SJ

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Dear Sister, I often confused when I reflect on the charism and mission of our founding mother. Her fidelity to the inner call has given shape to our congregation. Today, however, I find most of the congregations do the same apostolates—education, health care, and social works. Thus I find difficult to identify the uniqueness of each Religious Congregation. What does Canon Law say about fidelity to the founder’s charism and mission?

The uniqueness of each founder’s/foundress’s charism is lived by the members of the particular congregation through varied ministries. However, the failure to envisage a right response of each Congregation’s charism in accordance with the multifaceted reality of today’s world may take away the uniqueness of each religious order. The Second Vatican Council mandated that religious congregations renew themselves and faithfully follow the charism of their founder/foundress. Revitalizing the charism would mean critically analyzing the existing apostolates and moving towards an incarnational approach (learn the needs of the people and respond) in order to evolve a thought pattern and action that is relevant to the present times.

The Codes of Canon Law (CIC & CCEO), do not contain the word ‘charism.’ The Code of Canon Law (CIC) explains charism as follows: “All must observe faithfully the mind and designs of the founders regarding the nature, purpose, spirit, and character of an institute, which have been sanctioned by competent ecclesiastical authority, and its sound traditions, all of which constitute the patrimony of the same institute” (can. 578). Almost similar words are used by the Canons of the Eastern Churches (CCEO) in canon 426. It states that each and every religious, whether superior or subject, is obliged not only to observe faithfully and integrally the vows which they have professed, but also to arrange his or her life according to the typicon (constitution) or statutes, thus having faithfully observed the intention and determinations of the founder, and so tend to the perfection of his or her state.

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Sr Navya Thattil OSF

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On 19^th December, 2011, UNO passed the resolution to celebrate the International Day of the Girl Child. Since 11^th October, 2012, the Day is marked as such to bring to the fore the challenges of the girl child and empower and fulfil the human rights of every girl child by providing equal opportunity for her development.  The theme of the current year is: “Our time is now—our rights, our future.”

Social and economic discrimination, gender-based violence, inequality in opportunities and various forms of exploitation against girl children are rampant in most of the underdeveloped and developing societies and countries. Hence, the world needs to act to improve the lot of the girl child.

How do we go forward?

We can learn much from what one family in Haryana did.

Mahavir Singh Phogat, a former wrestler from Balali village in Bhiwani district, Haryana, had a dream—to win a medal for India. However, he was unable to fulfil this aspiration. He desired to bring the honour to the country through his sons. Unexpectantly, he fathered only girl children. Nevertheless, his ambition was still burning deep within. A mental change happened in him towards his daughters when Karnam Malleswari won an Olympic medal for India—the first Indian woman to do so. His dormant dream began to take visibility in his daughters. He was determined, at all costs, to mould his first two daughters, Geeta and Babita, into champions that the country would look up to.

So, the long arduous journey began. Phogat had to break many norms of the society for girls. The daughters wore shorts instead of salwar kameez; their lovely hair was cropped. To make it worse, to strengthen the girls, he compelled them to wrestle with boys. It was a battle of thoughts, beliefs and perception. The villagers ridiculed the girls. His wife opposed him; his own daughters conspired to foil his plans.  The whole proposal seemed preposterous and shameful.  Later he had to fight for his daughters with wrestling bodies at local national levels. But his dream for her daughters infused with determination and courage saw the day.  Geeta was the first woman to win a medal for India at the Commonwealth Games, New Delhi, in 2012. Together with Babita, the two have won twenty-nine medals at international competitions, not to mention the national championships. What more? Inspired by their elder wrestling sisters, two younger sisters and two cousins took up wrestling. The Phogat sisters have won hearts and more importantly, they are inspiring girls to fight to succeed. It all began with one man believing in the potential of girls.

We can learn three lessons from this true story. We can wrap the lessons under Stephen Covey’s famous Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

1. Put the First things First – Change of Mentality Towards Women: The root cause of perpetration of any form of discrimination and crime is individual and collective erroneous thinking. Until men and even women change their beliefs and notions of women, the voices of girls will be muffled; violence, exploitation and depravation will last. In the case of the Phogat sisters, it began with the change in the mind of their father. Gradually, the change caught on in the villages of Haryana and in the nation.
2. Begin with the End in Mind – Invest on the girl child for a better future: If only we realized how much women can contribute to the enrichment of families, societies and nations, we would invest more resources and provide opportunities for the development of girls who will be mothers and leaders in many walks of life. Mr Mahavir had a belief in the potentialities of his daughters. Moreover, he had a dream for them. He never ever doubted this. Belief in the power of women counts.
3. Be Proactive – Passionate Commitment to the Cause of the Girl Child: A ceremonial celebration of the International Day of the Girl Child will not do much good for numerous disadvantaged girls of the world. Life-changing steps must be taken for promotion of their good. Passionate commitment, unchartered initiatives, unhindered courage and determination is needed at all levels to transform the plight of girls. We need more Mahavirs who see and believe in the potential of girls and women.

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Fr Shilanand Kerketta SDB

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The Miracle

Director: Mahsun Kirmizigül * Cast: Talat Bulut, Mahsun Kirmizigül , Senay Gürler , Meral Çetinkaya Tansel Öngel, Cezmi Baskin , Mert Turak , Ali Sürmeli , Zafer Alpat (2015. 136 minutes)

Set against a remote Kurdish mountain countryside in Turkey, the film narrates the story of a committed teacher whose intervention brings a big change in the lives of a mostly illiterate people living in a world where bandits are revered. Sometime in the 1960s, a school teacher named Mahir, living comfortably in Izmir with his wife and two daughters,  is transferred to a remote Kurdish settlement. Mahir entrusts his family to his father-in-law and, after crossing two mountains on foot, arrives in the primitive village. The wary village men greet him with cocked rifles, thinking that he is an intruder. Mahir gains their respect and love when they discover that he is a teacher. He promises to educate everyone on condition that girls are also allowed to attend. They agree. With little money to spare, he dupes his wife over phone claiming that he is kidnapped by bandits demanding a large sum of money as ransom. With the money and the participation of the people, he builds a school hall. The mountain bandits also join to help. Among his pupils is a deformed tetraplegic named Aziz, one of the sons of the village chief.  He is an outcast mocked and teased by all except his parents. Mahir takes pity on the young man whose only companion is his horse. He undertakes to teach him to speak and write. The prevailing custom in the village is that the elders fix marriages for the children. Contrary to their hopes, Aziz’s elder brothers are married to ugly women. Aziz gets a beautiful bride when his father saves a man from being shot by his enemy and in return is promised the man’s daughter Misgin in marriage to Aziz, to the shock of everyone. The marriage takes place and Misgin suffers from her crippled husband’s weakness and the mockery of his brothers and the village in general. Mahir is their support and help and believes in Aziz. He saves him from suicide. Misgin and Aziz run away to the city, followed by the teacher. The film ends many years later when the totally transformed Aziz is taken back to his home for an emotional reunion.

The Cross and the Switchblade

Director: Don Murray * Cast: Pat Boone, Erik Estrada, Jacqueline Giroux, Dino DeFilippi, Alex Colon, Jo-Ann Robinson, Gil Frazier (1970. 106 minutes)

David Wilkerson was a famous Pentecostal Pastor and founder of the Teen Challenge to rescue teenage drug addicts in the 1960s. After graduating from the seminary, Wilkerson moved to New York, leaving his family behind, with the intention of working among the juvenile delinquents and drug addicts, while living in a beat-up car. His initial attempts to reach out to the violent teenage gangs are met with discouragement from the authorities and mockery and cynicism on the part of the violent delinquents. During the trial of a gang of street fighters, he tries to appeal to the court to give him a chance to speak to the accused, but is mistaken for a gangster and sent away.  But he refuses to give up. He gets the support of a black girl named Little Bo. The street-smart Bo introduces him to the underworld of drug addicts, gang wars and prostitution. The main focus is on Nicky Cruz, a gang leader. He goes to visit Cruz to tell him of God’s love, which is met with mockery and threat. Cruz even slaps him and offers to cut him up, when David tells him that, even if he were cut into a thousand pieces, each piece would still declare that God loves Cruz.  Cruz sends his drug addict girl friend Rosa to kill David, but Rosa finds love in the pastor’s family and tries to struggle out of her deadly addiction. When she comes to Nicky to tell him of the good intentions of David, he gets all the more angry. Meanwhile, in one of their street rumbles with the opposing gang, Nicky’s gang is defeated and his attempt to punish one of his fellows ends up in an unintended death, leaving Nicky deeply guilty.  With the support of the police, Pastor David organizes a revival meeting for the troubled youths. Two gangs try to heckle and fight. David makes a passionate sermon on the love of Jesus. He tells them that love is the gutsiest word in the English language and they need guts to be different. His words drive home to bring about a great change in the youth. Later on, Nicky Cruz would team up with David to start Teen Challenge center to engage in the mission of saving troubled teens from the streets.

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Prof Gigy Joseph

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GANDHI: HIS LIFE AND MESSAGE FOR THE WORLD 

Louis Fischer (1954)

As Independent India turns seventy-five, Mahatma Gandhi, the Father of the Nation, turns 183.  Louis Fisher’s biography provides us with a comprehensive, inspiring view of perhaps the greatest national leader of the modern world through the eyes of a westerner who knew him closely. Gandhi was the rarest of the rare—a combination of a mystic and a man of action.  Fischer traces the evolution of the shy, average son of a Guajarati merchant caste (Baniya) orthodox Hindu government official and a saintly illiterate mother into the icon of nonviolence and a warrior of freedom and human dignity. Married at thirteen, educated in London, unsuccessful as a lawyer in India, he went to South Africa to plead for the rights of Indian immigrants there in the 1890s, where his direct experience of racism changed his destiny. He tried to ‘experiment with truth,’ drawing inspiration from Hindu scriptures, the Gospels and the writings of Tolstoy and Thoreau. He fought racial discrimination on two levels: exalting the dignity of the victim, while appealing to the sense of fairness in the oppressor. Some of his own followers treated him violently. He experimented with education, nature cure and every area of life. At age thirty, he adopted celibacy within marriage. He earned the respect of the very political enemies whom he had fought, such as Jan Christian Smuts, prime minister of South Africa. In India he had to contend with a lot more than British oppression, such as the evils of caste and religious divisions. He taught by example the art of civil disobedience. Though he was himself a victim of violence, he held fast to the ideal of nonviolence, spirit of poverty and detachment, forgiveness and trust. Seeking God in every experience, he wrote of his prison in Yeravada as “mandir.” Fasting was the essential part of Satyagraha that produced results that amazed the world—a political weapon that had never been tried before. His Epic Fast was conducted in Yeravada prison for the abolition of untouchability. He led by example, including untouchables in his ashram and adopting an untouchable girl. His self-sacrifice, love of God, humility, humour and his astuteness as a negotiator, worked to create a united India while still remaining friends with the British. The division of India hurt him deeply. He shunned any government office which he could have commanded in liberated India. “His legacy is courage; his lesson is truth, his weapon love. His life is his monument, he now belongs to mankind,” concludes Fischer.

Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage: Protecting Your Relationship So It Will Last a Lifetime

Stormie Omartian (2007)

One of the bestselling books on prayer and marriage, Omartian’s book can be a great help for not only those living in marriage, but also for marriage counselors and pastors. Omartian lists fifteen serious threats to today’s marriages and provides advice to a husband or a wife caught in a troubled marriage  on how to  finds solutions. The tensions and troubles in marriage can be healed and relationships can be restored through God’s intervention. The fourteen detailed chapters present a broad spectrum of issues—communication breakdown, anger, rudeness and abuse, lack of forgiveness, outside influences, hard heartedness,  depression and negative emotions, child rearing,  financial  troubles, misplaced priorities, sexual frustration, pornography and infidelity, depression and addictions. She says that “every married person will have to make a decision at some point in their lives on  each one  of these fourteen areas as to whether they will  allow them (problems) to become  issues in their marriage or not.” Omartian provides these insights almost directly from her own personal struggles, stating with her childhood experiences with a paranoid mother and her own married life that would not have survived thirty-four years, had she not turned to God. She identifies the fourteen most common problems that lead to break down of marriages from countless phone calls, emails and contacts through her website where thousands of couples reported on the problems they faced. She discovers her answers in the Bible and personal prayer. Her own marriage was affected by her extreme sensitivity to her husband’s outburst of anger. She had been brought up by a mother who had nursed anger and frustration about her mother’s early death and her belief that her father preferred the other two siblings over her. In other words, she had carried within her the hurts of her own mother’s possessiveness, habitual anger and cruelty towards her. Her mother’s insanity made her grow up with fear, anxiety, depression, hopelessness, loneliness and a deep sadness. Everyone can change. It is a question of awareness, determination, sense of the need to change, knowing how to and desire to change. Marriage creates the perfect opportunity to change. Above all, only God can work lasting changes in us.

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Prof Gigy Joseph

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RELIGIOUS LIFE TODAY

“With Jesus we find again the courage to carry on and the strength to remain firm.  The encounter with the Lord is the source.  It is important then to return to the source: to retrace in our mind the decisive moments of encounter with him, to renew our first love, perhaps writing down our love story with the Lord.  This would be good for our consecrated life, so that it does not become a time that passes by, but rather a time of encounter.” (Pope Francis)

“Consecrated life is not about survival, it is not about preparing ourselves for dying well: this is the temptation of our days, in the face of declining vocations.  No, it is not about survival, but new life

“Life with God is not immunity from difficulties, but peace within difficulties. (C. S. Lewis)

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ..

“An ounce of patience is worth more than a tonne of preaching.” .

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the virtue of the strong.”

• “Love is the strongest force the world possesses.”

“Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent then the one derived from fear of punishment.

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A TRUE DISCIPLE

I am grateful to Fr Joe Mannath and the editorial team of magnet. The article ‘still running at 85’ by Fr M A Joe Antony SJ was insightful. Sr Mary John is truly a motivating figure in my desire to be a fervent disciple of Christ. I am also invited by this inspiring religious to raise my voice against women’s exploitation and work towards women;s empowerment. A heart felt gratitude to the MAGNET team for publishing this article.

Jesuit Novice Reuben Melvin D’Souza

TRUE CELIBACY

The article on friendship in celibate life by Fr Jose Parappully SDB is definitely an inspiration for religious men and women. Celibacy should not make us hate the complementary sex. It should rather be of assistance to all the religious in their loving the Lord more intimately, following the Lord more closely and serving the Lord more passionately. I am indebted to MAGNET for the beautiful article which has filled me with positivity.

Princeton, Jesuit Novice, Bengaluru

A VERY APT THEME

Extremely happy and grateful for MAGNET, September issue.

A very apt theme, indeed: BE A GOOD HUMAN. We all need a good dose of it …

In the bargain, while becoming the disciples of the Lord – an excellent human person- we forget to become, exactly what he wants us to become: Good Human Beings

I do hope all Priests and religious will read this issue…and assimilate a good dose of it.

I wait eagerly for the arrival of MAGNET every month and it has been a great source of enrichment.

I really hope and pray that quality will be maintained: substance of the articles, and theme would be relevant, and of course layout would be attractive as it has been  always…

Celine D’Cunha FMA, Shillong

WORTH WAITING FOR

It’s worth waiting for MAGNET and the article on “Becoming a good human being” stresses this fact. Many experience a dark phase after joining the religious congregations. One needs to realize that at times God makes us walk through the dark tunnels in order to make us savour the brightness waiting for us at the end of the tunnel. Being a novice, I was touched by this article of Fr Joe Mannath SDB. It has boosted my spiritual life and stimulated in me a desire to be an ebullient novice.

Abhishek, Jesuit Novice, Bangalore

This is with reference to “Become a good human being.” The cover story strengthens my call to be deeply rooted in Christ . It helps me to be committed, compassionate, loving, caring and humble rather than jealous; available rather than self-centered, for our fellow beings. Let me sincerely congratulate Fr Joe Mannath, SDB and everyone at the MAGNET for inspiring, energetic, and powerful articles.

Thank you!

Erik Kerketta

This is with reference to cover story of September ‘become a good human being’ by Joe Mannath SDB. The article bluntly pointed out areas where religious should focus more. All the points mentioned are relevant and some are bitter truths too. I do have felt many of these in my religious life so far. The practical steps to tackle Negative feelings like jealousy were really insightful. All the ten guidelines have to be taken for prayer and further reflections. I thank MAGNET for sharing these insights which helped to introspect myself.

Thomas J Philip S.J., Thiruvananthapuram

EQUALITY IN LOVE

A great explanation is given on chastity, which taught us, religious, to be prudent in our friendships. To a religious, especially for me it is to love and serve everyone equally. From this article I learnt to maintain the purity of heart and thought. Hence I sincerely thank Fr. Jose Parapully SDB, and the editor for publishing this article.

T.Crumblish Anthomen S.J

This is with reference to the article “friendship in Celibate Life” by Fr Jose  Parappully SDB (MAGNET, September 2022). I agree with the point “Friendship is one of the greatest ways in which God comes to us”. True friendship is beyond everything. We, humans, are social beings. Whatever life we choose to live, we need friends. We need someone to share our love. Only friendship is not life, but there is no life without friendship. A Trustworthy person in one’s life will be instrumental for one’s success in their life. Jesus said greater love than this no one has than to lay down one’s life for his friends. It is easy to give one’s life for one’s friend, but it is difficult to get a friend who gives one’s life for one’s friend.

Sugumar Jose, Thiruvananthapuram

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