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Here is a new feature: Voices of the young. It is not enough we—parents, teachers, priests, religious and other “grown-ups”—talk to the young. We need to listen to them. They have much to tell us that is worth listening to.

We gave a small questionnaire to a group of students at Sophia College, a well-known women’s college in Ajmer. Each one wrote their real name or a fictitious name on the sheet, so that they were free to express themselves. We thank Sr Mariola D’Souza MSA for meeting with the students, collecting their answers and sending them to us at MAGNET. (Editor)

One item on the questionnaire was:

MY BIG DREAM IN LIFE: SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL THAT I DREAM OF BEING OR DOING.

Here are some of their answers.

• “To be the head of an MNC.”
• “To sing alone (especially for God) in front of the public.”
• “To see myself in the Indian Army Uniform.”
• “To be someone who can always be remembered by others, and to live in faith with Christ.”
• “To see a beautiful smile on the faces of those who mean the world to me, and to believe that the reason behind is me.”
• “To be a military nurse in a well-known army hospital.”
• “To fulfil my papa’s dream, and become an MBA.”
• “When someone will type my name in Google and, instead of seeing, ‘No results found,” there will be ME.”
• “To be a person who can bring about some good change in this world.”
• “To serve my parents all my life. To give them all the happiness they deserve.”
• “Of being a naval officer like my dad.”
• “Something beautiful I want to do: To remove the poverty of India.”
• “To become a successful person, and help the needy and poor persons.”
• “My biggest dream is to make my parents feel proud of me.”
• “To be an IAS officer.” (Three of them wrote this.)
• “To visit the Disney Land of Hong Kong once in my life time.”
• “To serve my country in any way possible.”
• “I want to be a good human being, and an IAS officer, and to travel the whole world.”
• “To become a self-confident girl and independent.”
• “To become a great officer, and when I walk or stand all the people stand and respect me.”
• “To become an IFS officer.”
• “To open an orphanage and work there full time.”
• “To fulfil at least a few of my parents’ expectations.”
• “To make my family feel proud by doing something on my own.”

CONCLUSION:

As you see, young people have all kinds of dreams floating around in their active heads. May we provide inspiring and valid examples to follow, chances for them to clarify what they really want, and help them achieve worthwhile goals. Young people are looking for inspiring models,  convincing witnesses and adults who take them seriously.

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– Fr. Joe Mannath SDB is the National Secretary of CRI and the editor of this magazine

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Hacking, phishing, data theft, identity theft, fraud—and the list goes on—sounds scary, especially if you are clueless about how to protect yourself. It can be dangerous in terms of exposing your private data or getting defrauded, but with some simple precautions we can navigate the digital world safely. Today I will talk about Phishing—a very common form of online fraud which unsuspecting users very easily fall prey to.

“Phishing is the attempt to obtain sensitive information such as usernames, passwords, and credit card details (and, indirectly, money), often for malicious reasons, by disguising as a trustworthy entity in an electronic communication.” – Wikipedia

The word “Phishing” sounds similar to fishing, and for a good reason. In fishing a bait is put in the water for the fish to bite. Some incentive is given to the user to click on a link or perform some other action in order to get sensitive information. The most common examples of this are emails which claim to be from bank websites or mails talking of unclaimed fortunes waiting to be claimed. So, too, links which appear to be for some shopping website sale or lucky dip.

How do we identify these traps? Well, we need to keep a few points in mind:

• The “from address” in a mail can seem to be from a genuine source, but may not be so. Just as we can write a wrong ‘From Address’ on an envelope, so can the ‘From Address’ be changed on an email or message. Banks don’t ask for sensitive information by mail. So don’t give It, nor click on the mail claiming to take you to the bank website.

• Always check the actual link address in a mail or webpage which is doubtful. The text displayed on the screen may not be the actual link. To check the link, hover over the link with the mouse pointer, and the link will appear at the bottom of the browser or in a small pop up in some other applications. Alternatively, you can right click (careful: not left click) the link and select “copy link” (or an equivalent) and paste it in a text editor and verify it.

• Do not open attachments from untrusted sources. Files with extensions .com, .exe, .bat, .scr and .msi can be very dangerous. Even Microsoft Office documents (.doc, .docx, .xls, .xlsx, .ppt, .pptx) can contain computer instructions or commands called macros which can be exploited by malicious parties. Microsoft Office opens documents downloaded from internet by default in ‘Protected View’ with execution of macros disabled. This is indicated by the yellow bar on top saying ‘Protected View’. Do not switch to non-protected mode unless you are sure the document is really safe.

• Understand the domain address. As an example, look at the following link:

http://www.amazon.big-sale.com

You might think this is related to some sale on amazon.com, but in reality this link is not related to amazon.com. You see, we have to read from right to left for this part of the web address. The ‘.com’ or ‘.org’ being the top-level domain. The link in this case is for the site big-sale.com and which has created a subdomain called ‘amazon’ which is not related to amazon.com. So you need to look at the name that appears just before the ‘top-level domain’ that is .com, .org, .net etc. That is the actual website. So in this case the actual website is big-sale.com. So if the link is trying to appear like something that it is not, don’t click it, no matter how tempting it looks.

Please note that these things can happen via Whatsapp / SMS or other instant messaging apps also.

Knowing these dangerous steps can help us stay safe while using modern technology to your advantage.

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-Mithun Davis, is a Jesus Youth leader and software engineer

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Bangalore is known for its large number of religious houses and the variety of religious congregations. There are over four hundred (!) religious houses in the territory of Bangalore Archdiocese, with probably 7000 religious. Their annual gathering, called Sanyasa Sangamam, tends to be a huge affair. This year the attendees numbered 1200. They met in Christ University Auditorium.

Two initiatives of CRI-Bangalore show a vision we can all learn from:

1. Inter-Congregational Effort for Development (ICED): This is a platform where religious congregations can come together and share resources—land, personnel, training, talent, money—for the development of people. Some congregations—Salesians of Don Bosco, the Holy Spirit Sisters, the Daughters of Wisdom, the JMJ Sisters, the SMI Sisters and the CSST sisters—are already into it, and have people working full time in this line. Other congregations partner with them, or will do so in future.

May such collaboration increase! By coming together, we learn from one another, avoid unnecessarily multiplication of activities, and give better witness to the people.

2. “Colour the Fallen Stars”: This catchy title refers to the destitute people who live and die on our streets. To quote Bangalore CRI’s lovely statement, they are “not the last, nor the least, but they are lost.” Behind this slogan there seems to be a serious stock-taking of what happens to the many poor people who flock to our cities, namely:

• Thousands are on the streets waiting for a support system.
• ‘These people do not want to remain in the rehabilitaion centres.’ This is a myth.  If good support systems are provided and people are treated well, they  would opt for rehabilitaion and support.
• Experience shows that globalization and rapid economic growth will push some people to the periphery due to defects in the policy framework.
• It is the responsibility of the government and the civil society to monitor the situation of the most disadvantaged in our cities and help them to have a dignified life.
• Various ministries have isolated programs, but an integrated program to accompany the most disadvantaged in cities is not in place.
• An integrated program should be developed which will coordinate all the efforts already done, yet to be done, fill the gaps and bring in best possibilities to deal with the situation.

To respond to this urgent need, the Bangalore CRI has come up with this scheme: TO COLOUR THE FALLEN STARS.  Efforts will be made to raise funds to help them, and to get more religiosu to work among and for the children and adults whose home is the street.

May more of us show a similar concern, and come up with practical steps to help the neediest and the most forgotten. We do not become, as one ex-religiosu put it, to make the lives of those who already have much more comfortable, but to bring hope to those who have no one to turn to.(JTM)

 

 

 

 

 

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A few years ago, a headline in The Hindu newspaper got my attention: “The happiest man in the world.”

I was intrigued. I found that the article was about Matthieu Ricard, a French scientist who had become a Buddhist monk. What made this scientist such a happy man?

In one word: Meditation.

This got me thinking:

• How does meditation make a person so happy?
• How can meditation ‘scientifically’ benefit my brain and my overall well-being?
• How is it that we, who spend so much time in prayer, meditation, retreats, etc., look (and often are) so gloomy?

 Let’s look for some answers. We start with what science has to say about meditation.

 Mindfulness Meditation

First of all, the meditation that is taught or practiced for the various experiments is mostly what is called the “mindfulness meditation”. It consists in bringing the meditator’s attention to the internal and external experiences occurring in the present moment with closed eyes, straight back and breathing awareness.

Though this method is found in the Buddhist tradition, the early Christian Church talks of a similar way. This method is called the ‘vigilance of the mind and heart.’ The disciples are taught to be wakeful, attentive and vigilant to that which is inside and around.

And what can meditation possibly do to the brain?

 The Effects on the Brain

During experiments with experienced meditators it was found that, while they meditated, there was a decreased activity in the regions of the brain related to anxiety, depression and intolerance. No wonder those who meditate become more relaxed and happier.

 In a comparative study between experienced meditators and beginners, it was found that in the experienced ones, there was a greater activity in the brain’s areas corresponding to empathy than in the beginners’ one. In other words, those who meditate tend to understand others better, and feel for them.

 Here is one more finding, with practical consequences:

in a study done at Harvard University, USA, Sara Lazar and her team discovered that mindfulness meditation could actually change the structures of the brain. For example, they found that meditator’s brain showed enhanced connectivity between the brains regions; that it increased the thickness of the areas responsible for the regulation of emotions.

To put it differently, we master our emotions better if we meditate.

 Science is telling us that when we learn to meditate and do it regularly, it helps us not only at the spiritual level, but in our overall well-being.

 While regular meditation is not a substitute for medical advice and a healthy lifestyle, it brings a greater sense of wellbeing. Surprisingly, studies have found that even just five minutes of daily meditation are enough to make a positive change in one’s life.

 The Benefits of Meditation

Here are some of the benefits experienced by meditators:

• Lower anxiety;
• Decreased depression, fear, negative moods, sadness, tension, anger and stress;
• Increased tolerance, positive feelings, empathy, compassion;
• Improvement of the memory, concentration, self-awareness and goal setting;
• Better immunity and tolerance to pain.

 It is not surprising, then, that someone like scientist Matthieu Ricard, who centres his life on meditation, is said to be the happiest man in the world. It does not mean that no one else is happier. Surely all the deeply happy people have not taken part in studies of this kind.  What it does show is that his way of living is ‘suited’ for happiness.

 Mathieu Ricard and many other meditators have found a path to happiness and serenity. Science has provided evidence for how this happens.

What about me? What about you? What are we getting out of meditation? What effects does it have on our life?

 Next month I’d like to honestly reflect on what goes on with our ‘time-tabled,” routine meditation. Why is it that, although we have so many opportunities to meditate, it does not seem to have a great positive impact on our lives? How far does it affect the way we relate with God and with each other?

 Want to see video clips on meditation, including what science tells us about it? There’s plenty on YouTube

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– Sr. Marie Gabrielle Riopel SCSM is the provincial of the Sisters of Charity of Saint Mary.

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It was one of those rare, heart-warming and grace-filled occasions. The Presentation Sisters (PBVM) gathered at St. Mary’s Co-Cathedral, Chennai on 13 Jan ’17 to celebrate 175 years of their life and mission in India.  On that day 175 years ago four of their Sisters from Ireland arrived in India and started at George Town, Chennai their mission, which expanded gradually to several States. They had given me the privilege of being the chief celebrant and the homilist at the Thanksgiving Eucharist. Like true friends who don’t forget you, they had remembered that 25 years ago, in 1992, when they celebrated their 150 years in India, I happened to be the celebrant.

Through whatever they do here in India and several other countries, the good Sisters seek to fulfill the dream of a great Irish woman – a woman of wisdom and courage. Nano (Honora) Nagle, who founded the Sisters of the Presentation of the Blessed Virgin Mary, was born in Ballygriffin, County Cork, Ireland in 1718. Her family, which owned a lot of land in the area, had to pay a heavy price for clinging to their Catholic faith.

In order to force the Irish Catholics to give up their faith and swear allegiance to the Church of England, the English imposed on them what are called the Penal Laws. These cruel laws were designed to keep the Irish poor and illiterate. If you were not ready to give up your Catholic faith, you had to surrender your land. If you tried to receive or impart education, your properties would be confiscated and you would be thrown into prison. Nor could you try to send your children abroad to be educated. Explaining the real aim of these laws, the great Irish orator and parliamentarian, Edmund Burke, who was a relative of Nano, remarked: “Their declared object was to reduce the Catholics in Ireland to a miserable populace, without property, without estimation, without education.”

But since the family understood the value of education, it dared to send Nano and her sister to France for a good Catholic education. She is said to have lived a hectic social life in France, marked by “balls, parties and theater outings, all the glamour of the life of a wealthy young lady.” It was after one of these parties that she noticed a group of miserably poor people, huddled in a church doorway. The striking contrast between their lot and her life stayed with her. When she returned and went to Dublin to live with her mother, she was hit by the sad impact of widespread poverty. She returned to Paris to join an Ursuline convent, but her spiritual director advised her to return to Ireland and take up the education of poor Irish children.

 She realized education was the key to liberating her people from poverty and oppression. Therefore, in spite of the risks posed by the Penal Laws, Nano, with prophetic courage, started a school in 1754. In the next three years she started seven schools that provided basic education and religious instruction. With the support of her family she soon established a network of schools in Cork. After school hours, she visited the sick and the elderly to give them food and medicine. As she went at night with a lantern from hovel to hovel to comfort the sick and to teach the poor, she was called ‘the Lady of the Lantern.’ This is why the lantern has become a symbol of the religious congregation she founded, the Presentation Sisters, who work today in 26 countries all over the world.

 Nagle, who has been named the “greatest Irish person of all time,” was declared ‘Venerable’ by Pope Francis on 31 October 2013.  Next year all those who recognize the greatness of Nano Nagle will celebrate with joy her 300th birth anniversary. May her example be our guiding lantern!

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– Fr M. A. Joe Antony SJ is at present editor, Jivan, the magazine of South Asian Jesuits and the executive secretary of and advisor to the  Provincial Superior of Jesuits in Tamil Nadu. For 20 years he edited the New Leader and gave it a new life and reputation.

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Raymond looked sad. Not occasionally, but always. His features drooped. He hardly every smiled. Even after someone cracked a good joke or said something really funny, and everyone laughed, Raymond’s face would settle back into a gloomy expression.
In the counselling session, Raymond revealed his sad story. His father passed away soon after Raymond’s birth. So, he grew up without knowing a father’s care. Further, because of the superstitious beliefs of his family members, they blamed Raymond for bringing bad luck on the family.
Far from being loved or wanted, poor Raymond felt himself a burden. He really did not know what love or tenderness was.
We—fellow trainees in counselling—were moved by his story. Who would like to be in his situation, growing up unloved, and feeling worthless and a burden?
Something happened one day that changed all this. In one of the group therapy sessions, the main therapist, Dr Roger (all names have been changed), told Raymond that he need not go through life missing what he did not get. This was a revelation to Raymond. How would he get what he had always missed? How would he ever experience a father’s love?
What happened next was dramatic and moving. We were all sitting on mattresses on the floor. Raymond asked to be hugged and held. Dr Roger, a warm and caring man old enough to be Raymond’s father, held him in his arms. Raymond burst into tears. His whole body shook with his sobs. He had never been held lovingly, had never known what it means to be tenderly cared for. After a while, Dr Roger placed Raymond gently on the mattress. Raymond lay on his back with his eyes closed, still sobbing. He wept for a long time. We knelt or sat around, looking at his face attentively. Several of us had tears in our eyes. At one moment, Raymond opened his eyes. He saw the love in our faces. He noticed our tears. He burst into tears again. He never thought that people would care for him. He could never imagine anyone shedding tears for him.
From that day, we noticed a dramatic change in Raymond. His face changed! He started looking normal. Most of the time, he looked happy.

What I have described, changing some details, is a true story. I have seen people change through counselling. I have been personally helped by opening up to someone I trusted, and being listened to. I have found this to be enormously helpful, especially when I felt anxious, or confused, or felt resentment welling up in my heart.
This is why I believe in counselling.

What is counselling?
Simon, a college student, asked to meet Mrs. Jackie, one of his professors, who was known as a caring and trustworthy woman. Jackie’s area of teaching was not psychology, but mathematics; but students knew that she cared about them. She was not simply a machine distributing mathematical knowledge. She was a warm and genuine human being who cared about each student. Several students would later say that it was providential to have had Mrs Jackie in their life. Confiding in her helped many of them to make better decisions, and not mess up their lives.
“I fell in love during the summer vacation,” Simon told Jackie. “She is a wonderful girl. Ma’am, I think about her the whole time. I cannot concentrate on my studies. I want to be with her the whole time. I even think of quitting college and getting a job, so that I can marry soon, and be with her.”
Jackie listened to Simon with genuine interest, giving him her full and loving attention. She spoke very little. It was Simon who did most of the talking. Jackie did ask a few questions that helped Simon become clearer about his feelings, and the choices facing him.
This conversation—and a couple similar chats with Jackie in the coming weeks—helped Simon to understand what was happening—the normalcy and intensity of falling in love, what options were in front of him, which choice seemed to be wiser, the importance of knowing oneself and the other more in depth before making life-decisions.
Simon’s ardour for the girl cooled in the coming months. E-mails and phone calls showed both of them that, while they liked each other, they were not ready for marriage. In fact, there were several important areas in which they held sharply different views.
Simon is grateful to Mrs Jackie for listening to him patiently and with concern. She never blamed him, nor laughed at him. She did not take decisions for him. She understood the intensity and beauty of falling in love—and also its limitations and pitfalls.
Simon sees now that it would have been a mistake to quit college, start working and marry very young. He had not thought things through clearly or deeply. Talking with Jackie helped him to see many things more in perspective.
This is counselling.
It is not a technique. It is the meeting between two human beings, of whom one is under distress, and the other is a caring and genuine person with adequate life experience who is willing to give the troubled person full and loving attention.

The magic of listening
This is easily said, but extremely rare.
Why?
Because listening is a rare and lovely thing. It is harder than speaking, tougher than preaching and very different from advice-giving. Those who rush to give advice—especially when done without first understanding the other in depth—will be poor counsellors. They tend to impose their ideas and preferences on others, thinking that their plans and decisions are the best for other people.
Good counsellors listen.
They listen to the words being said, e.g., “I am in love,” or “I have thought of suicide” or “I do not know what to do ever since my wife died.”
These words are easy to understand. Anyone can follow their dictionary meaning.
The harder—and more important part—is to understand the feeling behind the words. How does it feel to be in love and long to be with the loved one? Why is this intelligent and capable woman thinking of suicide? How does a person feel after one’s life partner had died?
These are deeply emotional issues. We cannot glibly respond, saying, “Ya, I understand how you feel.” The truth is that most of the time we do not understand. Or, better, we understand the words; we miss the depth of feeling behind the words.
When Manju, my thirty-seven-year-old niece, died of cancer, I cannot say I “understood” how her mother felt. Or what went on in the minds and hearts of her husband and her two little boys. To enter that sacred space, we need depth. We need love. We need to have the inner freedom to put our self-centred concerns aside and give another human being our total attention.
This hardly ever happens. Most of the time, our mind is full. Our life, our concerns, our agenda, our small or big pains, our frustrations and fun—all this take up our attention. To give full attention to another human being’s need or pain is far from easy.
Here is a case.
In a counselling training session, we were divided into groups of three. In each group, one person would speak for sixty seconds, the second person would repeat what the first had said, and third would check.
Before the exercise, all of us felt confident we would be able to repeat everything we heard. After all, what is sixty seconds? But it was humbling to realize that, even during that very short period, we were not fully attentive. Imagine how much we miss when someone speaks for thirty or forty minutes! Listening is neither easy, nor common.
This is one reason it is hard to find good counsellors.
Advice-givers abound. Preachers are legion. Far easier to give advice than to give full attention to someone. So, too, it is much easier to judge and condemn than to put ourselves in the other’s shoes.

Can I be a good counsellor?
Yes, you can—if you are a particular type of person.
What type?
First requirement: To be a warm and genuine human being.
Why warmth?
If you have a personal problem and want to get help, you look around for someone who communicates love. You will not open up to someone who is harsh, judgemental or bigoted. You look around for someone who seems to care about people. Listening to another human being with full attention demands a special type of love.
Why genuineness?
Just think of your family or religious community. Suppose you meet someone who is cleaver, charming and speaks beautiful words to people when they are present, but stab them in the back when they are absent, you will not trust that person. You will be right in thinking: If I open up to this person, who knows what s/he may say about me afterwards? This is why counsellors need to be genuine.

The person of the counsellor
If you want to learn cooking or making Powerpoint slides or mathematics or a new language, the teacher’s character does not matter. If they know the subject and can explain it clearly, you learn.
This is not so with counselling. It is a sacred and intimate meeting between two human beings. A human being is trusting another human being with what is very painful or beautiful or intimate or shameful or mystical. This no light sharing or table talk. We cannot enter into such a deep encounter as lightly as we start a discussion on sports or on the weather.
One study comparing ten different forms of group counselling and therapy, to find out which approaches were more effective in producing results, came up with this unexpected finding: The key factor in producing results (in helping people most effectively) is not the approach or method used, but the person of the counsellor.
In other words, suppose Iam under distress—fear, jealousy, broken relationships, inability to control anger, sexual problems, or bitterness towards someone who hurt me. I am wondering whom to go to. Should I go for help to Eileen, who is a woman of wisdom and relates well, or to Esther, who has advanced college degrees, but seems to lack common sense and life-experience? It is better to go to Eileen than to Esther. Understanding life and people is different from academic brilliance or shrewdness in business.
In this area, qualities matter more than qualifications.

Three More Checks
Besides having the qualities I mentioned, there are three other checks.
One: Do people confide in me and approach me to speak of personal matters? If someone is warm and genuine, and listens without judging, and seems to have good sense, people will notice it, and will open up to such a person. Whether the chat is called “counselling” or not, does not matter. Thus, if a priest is seen as friendly and sensible, several people will approach him after Sunday Mass, and ask, “Father, can I have a word with you?” or “Can you spare some time for my son?” The same is true of a caring principal or teacher or social worker.

Two: Can they be certain that what they tell you will remain confidential? This is an absolute must. A number of people do not trust anyone because they have had the bitter experience of telling something confidential to someone, and later finding that this other person revealed it to others. This is immoral. It is cheating in a very big way. What someone tells us in confidence must remain confidential. This is especially true of those with special responsibilities, like, priests, religious superiors, formators, teachers, etc.
Here is a case in point.
A college that wanted to provide counselling to students asked for volunteers from among the faculty. Those who volunteered and were willing to spare time for this, were given some basic training in listening and taught some do’s and don’ts. The whole venture collapsed very quickly. Do you know why? Some teachers would listen to students, and later betray their confidence through remarks like these, “Do you know that Mohan in the second year is in love with his classmate Keerthi?” or “Oh, God! I did not know that Andrew’s father is such an abusive drunkard!” Students soon got wind of this. The whole counselling programmes died an early death.
So, more than degrees in psychology or theoretical knowledge, the counsellor’s character is paramount. This includes that s/he be trustworthy and treat each person with respect. I may or may not agree with what you are doing or saying. You may tell me that you hate your mother, or that you are fed up with life. I will treat you with respect, believe in your potential for change and growth, and do all I can to stand by you.
This is sacred ground.
Carlo, an experienced counsellor and trainer, once told us: “When I meet a person for counselling, I often remove my footwear, for I am on sacred ground. I am meeting another human being.”
What makes the encounter sacred is not that we are talking of religious matters or engaging in cultic practices. The sacredness stems from the dignity of every human being.
Three: If you want to be a good counsellor—who understands people in depth, relates in depth and responds in ways that the troubled person finds helpful and healing—you need to have received counselling.
I tell seminar participants: If you haven’t played basketball, don’t become a basketball coach. Reading books on basketball is not enough. You need to have played the game for long, and been a good player, before you become a coach.
Similarly, if you want to become a good counsellor, get counselling. Get help in those areas of your life where you feel stunted, where you are not really comfortable with yourself, where you feel afraid or ashamed or inadequate. The more you grow up, the better equipped you are to understand and help others. You are more likely to help others in those areas where you yourself have experienced most growth.

Degrees and training?
More than an academic degree in psychology (which basically prepares people to teach a subject), what counsellors need is training.
Training in counselling includes much personal therapy. I need to get counselling and therapy and tackle the problem areas of my own life, before I offer to help others.
So, too, guidance and supervision is important. No one learns this practical art by reading a book or getting a degree. An inexperienced counsellor needs to be followed up by an experienced counsellor. I need to check whether my way of doing counselling is helpful, ineffective or harmful. Or, I may face ethical issues which I am confused about. Or, perhaps, I feel strongly attracted to one counsellee or angry towards another, and do not know how to handle these feelings.

Methods and approaches
Do all counsellors use similar approaches and methods?
No.
While listening, communication of understanding, confidentiality, learning to affirm and confront in caring ways, and respect for persons are essential, counsellors differ in their understanding of human beings, and on the best ways of helping people. Just as allopathy, Ayurveda and Siddha systems of medicine differ in their methods, while having the same overall goal, namely, the patient’s health, in a similar way, there are different schools of psychology and differing ways of “diagnosing” a person’s problem and on the best ways of “treating” a client.
Some of the main approaches are given in the very fine book we are reviewing this month (see Book Review).
Some counsellors speak very little. Others may take time to explain our inner world. For example, the counsellor may explain to a depressed or frightened person that the depression or the fear is not the automatic effect of an external event, but of the way we perceive the event. Thus, a person may say: “After my wife’s death, my life is so meaningless and empty. I want to die.” The counsellor will try to help him see that the depression is not caused by her death, but by his belief that his life has no value without her, or that he is helpless without her. This thinking can be changed.
Approaches do differ. Helping a distressed person to function well is the overall aim, but there is no agreement on which approaches or methods help a person best. In practice, therefore, most counsellors are “eclectic.” They tend to use findings from various schools of counselling, according to the needs and personality of the counsellee.

Know yourself; understand others
Jane, a candidate mistress in her congregation, became aware of two things through counselling. One: That her mother, while meaning well, never encouraged the children, but always found fault with them. She wanted the best for her kids, but the way she went about it was through constant corrections. She hardly ever said a word of appreciation.
Two: Jane realized: “Gosh! This is the way I am treating my candidates! Without realizing it, I was dealing with them the same way as my mother treated me. I need to change.”
Her counsellor agreed with her. “If you are a nagging superior, and do not appreciate the good in people, you will discourage a lot of young people,” he told them.
Another counsellee, a priest, realized that he seldom spoke directly and warmly to people. He was ready to help anyone. He teased his friends. He did not realize that his friends needed more than physical help and teasing. At times, people long for direct affirmation. This insight helped him to relate to people more warmly.
Marriage counselling has helped many couples. Instead of perpetuating self-defeating patterns of mutual blaming and shouting and even physical violence, people can learn to understand the other (who is very different from oneself) and to relate in less destructive ways. So many marriages could be so much happier.
Just as a woman married to an alcoholic would love to see him get treatment for his drinking than carry on getting drunk, all of us notice defects in others and wish they were different.
The best place to start is my own self. If, instead of feeling helpless or blaming others, I were to admit my struggles and get help, that would make me happier–and nicer to live with. It would be a wonderful gift to those I live with—family members, community, colleagues, students and employees.
Counselling is one way—and a very practical way—of getting such help. It is about seeing our potential more clearly, admitting our defects and limitations more honestly, and seeking constructive ways of managing life.
When we buy a bike or car, we read the manual and learn to drive it carefully. We neither destroy the vehicle or harm others with it. Isn’t managing life much more important?
Why not learn to understand ourselves more fully, tap our huge potential and remove the blocks on the way? A warm, caring and wise human being who listens to us with respect and concern, gives us sensible feedback, encourages and challenges us as we learn to steer our course, is one of the best helps for this trip. This is what happens in any counselling worth the name.
So, go for it.
Get it and grow through it!
And, in your turn, learn to listen with your whole heart, understand rather than condemn, affirm rather than put down, and open the eyes of the other to the huge resources lying undiscovered. This is what you can do as a counsellor.
Whether you are a parent, or teacher, or religious or priest or friend, may you meet others in this sacred space, and promote the growth of both.

Both counsellee and counsellor
There have been times when I was down—confused or afraid or upset or ashamed—and needed help to sort out what was happening. Here, I was the counsellee. By taking time for me, and listening and responding with love, others helped me. These chats are among my best memories.
At others times, people came to pour out their doubts and struggles, their inner pain and their depression. To the degree that I listened with my whole being, tried to understand without condemning, challenged without putting down, I probably helped them to grow.
We all need each other. We are all care-givers and receivers. We are counsellees and counsellors.
In fact, helping others to grow is a great help for our own growth. Just as playing basketball with college students has helped me stay fit, relating in depth with other human beings—which is basically what counselling is—helps our growth powerfully.
May we keep growing.
May we help others grow up.
Our real enemy—the real obstacle to our growth and happiness—is not what others did or did not do for us, but our own refusal to grow up, our fear of facing our fears, our reluctance to reach for the stars, our staying down when we can get up and even fly.
In this process of getting up rather than staying down, of flying rather than simply floating, one of the best helps is meeting with a good and mature human being who cares for us. This is what counselling is about

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– Fr. Joe Mannath SDB is the National Secretary of CRI and the editor of this magazine

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One of the best known text books on the subject, now in its tenth edition.
Apart from presenting various approaches to counselling, Corey has very useful and practical chapters on the person of the counsellor and on ethical issues.
The chapter on the person of the counsellor includes: Counselor as a therapeutic person, Personal therapy for the counsellor, Counselor’s values and the therapeutic process, Becoming an effective multicultural counsellor, Issues faced by beginning therapists. This discussion is important, since studies show that the most important element in counselling is the person of the counsellor.
The issue of multiculturalism is addressed in every chapter—something most American books do not do. There are cultural differences in how people perceive events, relationships and norms.
The major theories and “schools” of counselling presented are: psychoanalytic, Adlerian, existential, person-centered, Gestalt, reality, behavior, cognitive-behavior, family systems, feminist, postmodern, and integrative.
Here, as an example, is how the chapter on Person-Centred Counselling is structured: Introduction, Key concepts, Therapeutic process, Application: Therapeutic techniques and procedures, Person-centered expressive arts therapy, Motivational interviewing, Person-centered therapy from a multicultural perspective, Person-centered therapy applied to the case of Stan, Summary and evaluation, Where to go from here, Recommended supplementary readings, References and suggested readings.
The chapter on Cognitive therapy includes Albert Ellis’s Rational Emotive Therapy and Beck’s approach to cognitive therapy.
Two chapters seldom found in such text books are feminist and postmodern theories and their application to counselling.
Corey has a practical chapter on the ethics of counselling. It deals with such as issues as: Putting clients’ needs before your own, Ethical decision making, Right of informed consent, Dimensions of confidentiality, Ethical issues in a multicultural perspective, Ethical issues in the assessment process, Ethical aspects of evidence-based practice, Managing multiple relationships in counseling practice.
Such a section is essential to would-be counsellors. The whole issue of confidentiality, for instance, needs to be clearly understood and strictly adhered to.
The use of a case (“Stan”) makes the theory concrete for the learner, and helps a trainee to see how a theory is actually applied in practice.

(Price: The US editions cost Rs 6358 and 12, 690 in India. An Indian edition by Cengage costs around Rs 600.)

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– Gerald Corey is Professor Emeritus of Human Services and Counseling at California State University at Fullerton, where he received the Outstanding Professor of the Year Award

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The saints speak about it, the Buddhists speak about it, most major religions, spiritual movements and even scientific studies tell us how beneficial it is for the spiritual, mental and physical health….
Yes, but….. Yes, but we still often go through this half-hour or so hoping it’ll pass soon. While at it, we find our mind helplessly carried away by the tides of feelings, thoughts, preoccupations, boredom, sexual urges or fantasies.
If we are ‘lucky’, we put into practice Jesus’ invitation to go to Him and rest. Even St Therese of the Child Jesus struggled to keep awake during meditation. She even had to handle her growing annoyance at a sister who kept on loudly fingering her rosary?
Is there any way to make meditation more appealing, more beneficial? Is it possible to sit for twenty or thirty minutes in a happily energizing quiet way?
Sometime ago, I had the opportunity to see a video clip of Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche. This forty-two-year-old Buddhist master from Nepal says that from a young age he struggled with panic disorder. When he was nine, he asked his father, a Buddhist master, to teach him how to meditate. He hoped in this way to solve his panic attacks. Mingyur says that he found his father’s teaching very helpful. He also found that, though he “loved the idea of meditation, he did not like the practice of meditation.” Sounds familiar? He went on for some more time learning about meditation from different masters. Although he found the learning good, he still would not apply it to his life. At thirteen, he decided to participate in a three-year retreat. In the first year, his panic disorder grew worse. He finally asked himself, “Do you really want to apply the meditation technique or go on unhappily for the remaining two years of the retreat?” This is when he finally started living the teaching he had received by using his panic as support for his meditation. Mingyur got rid of his panic disorder and went on to become a meditation master.
Mingyur Rinpoche explains that meditation is about becoming familiar with our mind, or, in other words, befriending it. He compares the mind to a monkey that constantly needs to be on the move. According to him, our difficulty in meditating is the result of two wrong attitudes. The first is to let our mind be the boss and carry us wherever it goes. The second is to fight the ‘monkey’ aggressively, resulting in the monkey’s increasing loudness within. So, in Mingyur’s words, meditation is about finding a common ground with the ‘monkey mind’, that is, to choose the work that will occupy the ‘monkey’ and thus allow us to be masters of our mind. What work can we possibly give to the mind so that the ‘rest of us’ can grow calm, peaceful and connected with God? One of Mingyur’s suggestions for basic meditation is the breath awareness. But more on this next time.
I leave you with the very crucial question that this Buddhist monk asked himself: Do you really want to meditate?
If you are interested, there are lots of videos on meditation on Youtube. You can also learn from teachers who teach meditation.
I suggest you learn to notice what happens inside you when you meditate. Who does the talking? You will make interesting discoveries. More about this later

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– Sr. Marie Gabrielle Riopel SCSM is the provincial of the Sisters of Charity of Saint Mary.

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Fr. Martin was a counsellor at a well-known Counselling Centre. He had a number of clients who were very appreciative of his counselling skills and the way he was helping them with their problems.
One of these clients was Anita, who had lost her husband a few months after their marriage. Anita had come to Martin to deal with her grief and loss. She found in Martin a very sensitive and compassionate helper. Anita appreciated not only his counselling skills, but also him as a sensitive human being.
After a few once-a-week sessions, Anita requested to increase the frequency of the sessions to twice-a-week. Meanwhile Martin had developed fond feelings for Anita. And he was happy with the increased frequency. He began to think often of Anita outside the sessions and looked forward to sessions with her.
During sessions Anita began to ask Martin for personal information. She said she would like to know him better. “I tell you so many things about myself, but I know so little about you,” she said. Martin was happy to comply. He began not only counselling her, but also to share his own difficulties with her. She sympathized with him. Martin found Anita’s expression of care and concern for him quite gratifying.
During one session Anita asked Martin when his birthday was. He told her. In one of the following sessions she brought him an expensive gift and said it was for his birthday. He accepted it and thanked her.
At the end of that session, both lingered on at the door, talking about a number of things which had nothing to do with the issue that Anita had initially wanted to work on. As she left the room Martin patted her gently on the back. She smiled back at him in appreciation.
Two days later, Anita phoned Martin and asked if he could join her for coffee at a Shopping Centre. “To celebrate your birthday,” she said. Martin initially said better not, but then Anita managed to persuade him and he agreed.
During coffee both expressed appreciation and fondness for each other. “We should do this more often,” Anita said. As they left, they hugged. Next day Anita phoned Martin to say how much she had enjoyed their time together at the Coffee Shop. Martin said he too enjoyed it.
At the next session, Anita said she wanted to terminate counselling. She was feeling better, she said, but would like to keep in touch with him. Martin also thought it better to end the counselling relationship and just have a social one, even though he knew that Anita’s grief and loss issues had not been resolved sufficiently….
Some months later Martin resigned from the Counselling Centre and asked permission from his superiors to leave his Congregation.
This Anita-Martin story points to some ethical challenges in Counselling. Like any profession, Counselling has its ethical principles and codes. Ethics in Counselling refers to the attitudes, dispositions and behaviours appropriate to the practice of counselling.

Ethical Boundaries
When we talk about ethics in Counselling, the concept of boundaries is very important. An ethical boundary is the “edge” of appropriate behaviour expected of the counsellor. Boundaries are set in place to foster a sense of safety for the client and to prevent the counsellor from harming or exploiting clients who are in a very vulnerable position in relation to the counsellor. Boundaries determine what is excluded or included in the counselling process and relationship. In this sense, boundaries can be considered as guidelines that formulate what is acceptable or unacceptable in counselling practice. Each Counselling Association has its Code of Ethics which articulates what these boundaries are. Thus, the Conference of Catholic Psychologists of India and the Salesian Psychological Association of South Asia have articulated their own Code of Ethics.
Since this issue of MAGNET has Counselling as cover story, I shall focus on boundary crossings and violations in this issue and describe in the next some of the principles that govern ethical practice of Counselling.

Boundary Crossing
There are to two types of boundary transgressions in Counselling. These are boundary crossings and boundary violations. Boundary crossing refers to any deviations from the strictest professional role and which by themselves do not harm the client or the counselling relationship, and which may even advance the Counselling in constructive ways.
Some common boundary crossings in counselling are counsellor’s self-disclosure related to client’s issues, non-sexual touch, the exchange of small gifts or greeting cards on special occasions or at termination of counselling.
What is important in deciding whether to cross a boundary is that the counsellor is sure he or she is acting in the best interests of the client, and not seeking to gratify his or her own needs at the expense of the client.
The boundary crossings that Martin was engaged in (revealing personal information, accepting gifts, meeting outside the counselling office, phone calls etc…) were not really at the service of the counselling process, but gratification of his and Anita’s emotional neediness. These were harmful crossings.

Boundary Violation
A second kind of boundary transgression in counselling is the boundary violation. A boundary violation is a clearly “harmful crossing” of a boundary. It occurs when a counsellor crosses the line of decency or integrity or misuses his or her power to exploit or harm the client. Whenever any of the traditional counselling parameters, such as time and place for therapy, confidentiality, dual relationships, gifts and self-disclosure (these will be discussed in the next issue), are transgressed to gratify the counsellor’s own needs without in any way enhancing the counselling process, there is clear violation of boundaries.
Engaging in sexual intimacies, even when consensual, within the counselling encounter is always a clearly unethical boundary violation. It is a decidedly harmful violation of boundaries. It is an abuse of trust and a violation of the counsellor’s professional role. It completely alters the nature of the counselling relationship, turning it into something it was never meant to be. Most ethical violations complaints against counsellors happen in the area of sexual boundary violations.
Terminating a counselling relationship with the intention of pursuing a romantic or sexual relationship, or suggesting explicitly or by innuendo while in counselling the possibility of such post-termination relationship is considered unethical.

The Slippery Slope
The concept “slippery slope” is especially relevant in sexual boundary violations. This phrase refers to seemingly harmless boundary crossings gradually escalating – slipping and tumbling down – into serious boundary violations. An example is that of the counsellor becoming more social, as happened with Martin and Anita. The self-disclosures about personal problems, small talk after the sessions ended, the lingering at the door, the pat on the back, the phone calls, and so on, were leading Martin to be on the slippery slope.
Violation of ethical boundaries can do great harm to the client and undermine effectiveness of counselling. An ethically conscious counsellor is careful to avoid the “slippery slope” – situations that develop gradually and undermine what once were firm boundaries. Before long, the situation can spiral out of control, leading to boundary violations that harm the client and gravely rupture the counselling relationship, impair counselling outcome, and sometimes lead to legal troubles for the counsellor and compromise his or her future practice.
In the next issues we shall look at a few more boundary issues and some important ethical principles that should guide the counselling practice.

Questions For Reflection
1. In case you have been a counsellor or a counselling client, what have been your experiences around boundary crossings and boundary violations?
2. In case you experienced these, what was the impact on you and the counselling process?

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– Rev. Dr. Jose Parappully, SDB, is the Founder-Director of Sumedha Centre, which runs courses and retreats in psycho-spiritual integration. He also does individual and group therapy.

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Since the day God created man and woman, it has been His desire that they be joined together to join with Him in bringing new life into the world. His vision was simple and beautiful. For Adam and Eve, the prospects for a joyful and prosperous life together were assured since God’s plan provided for their every need. It was only when they turned away from God’s plan that the problems started. And so it has been throughout the millennia that men and women come together to share life and create new life, all too often pursuant to their human nature and not God’s original plan. As time has passed marriage has become for many a cultural institution rather than a godly creation. But for us Catholics, the Sacrament of Matrimony is available as a grace-filled reminder that God’s original plan for marriage is far superior and the true pathway to a life of joy and peace. Why is it then that so few young couples embrace the Sacrament and fall instead into the cultural model of marriage which leads to heartache and failure ever more frequently?
Let’s face it… marriage is not really as natural a state as it appears on its face. Yes, men and women are naturally attracted to one another. Our God-given sexuality draws us to another. Our attraction has us see that which makes us happy and brings us joy. It causes us to want to be together. But it doesn’t necessarily help us to learn how to live together in an exclusive life- long relationship. While our desires bring us together, they can’t equip us to deal with the fundamental reality that we are two different people who are self-protective and who often have different notions of what it means to be husband and wife.

Conscious and Unconscious Choices
From the day we are born we are learning how to survive and thrive in this world. Whether we realize it or not we are learning how to live from our parents, relatives, friends and other teachers. We absorb values that will apply to our adult lives and learn behaviors which we will employ in similar life situations and circumstances. While conscious choice can have an influence on who we become and how we choose to act, the things that we pick up unconsciously are likely to have a very significant influence over how we act and react, particularly in times of stress or fatigue. Regardless of our vocation, we have all been trained by the people we live with or the culture that surrounds us. Unless we choose a different path, we are likely to walk down the familiar one time and time again.
Looking back, it is easy to see Crystal and me in this typical pattern. We met at our workplace when we were in our late 20s. For both of us it was a relatively carefree time as we enjoyed our work and came to enjoy each other’s company. I was attracted to Crystal’s inherent joyfulness, warmth and caring, all delivered with a radiant smile. It became apparent rather quickly that the attraction was mutual and as our trust in the other’s love grew it was natural for us to choose to spend our lives together as husband and wife. Those first years of marriage seemed like paradise. We continued to enjoy all aspects of our lives: work, relaxation and time with friends on weekends were now something we were able to share. The attractions that drew us together were strong enough to overcome the little differences we began to discover as we lived under the same roof.
The next transition would prove to be a bit more challenging. When our children were born all of a sudden we were no longer just spouses; we were parents. It didn’t take long before our “subconscious training” kicked in. I became my Dad and Crystal became her mother. It wasn’t long before our lives began drifting apart as we focused much of our time and energy on our separate roles of good provider and nurturing mother.
While our respective roles were valuable for the good of the family, they came to overshadow the importance of the roles of loving husband and wife. We lost sight of the importance of seeking the happiness of the other and began to return to the self-protective ways that came naturally.
Fortunately, the Holy Spirit called us to a Catholic Couples Retreat, where God’s plan for marriage was revealed.We discovered that we could choose to find real joy through a mutually self-giving way of life patterned on Christ’s life. While the past twenty-five years haven’t always been easy, it definitely has been a journey filled with hope and promise of greater joy and peace than the world could ever hope to provide.

Shortly after that retreat, I remember reading an article advising couples that in order to have a successful marriage, we should put God first, our spouses second, and our children third. I wondered how this could possibly be true, as in the U.S. culture it seemed as if almost everyone had an opposite view of appropriate priorities. In fact, it seems that God was lucky to come in third, as work, sports and recreation takes up so much time and focus in most families. Nonetheless, I made an earnest attempt to learn more about Christ and what a life centered on His values might look like. Now, many years later, I see the wisdom in this ordering of priorities. Every time I try to truly love God and live as a Christian… every single time… I am a far more loving, forgiving and joyful wife and mother. Applying the virtues that Christ modeled changes the dynamics of relationships.
At the beginning, I had to work hard to make those daily conscious choices to overcome my selfish tendencies. Did I enjoy being lazy and sipping my coffee in bed while Kevin got ready for work? Yes I did, but I knew that making an effort to get up and give him a loving send off was more in the order of what Jesus would do. Did our children leave their clothes lying around on the floor for me to pick up and clean? Yes they did, and acting on my own, I could become resentful and voice my opinion aggressively. Using Jesus as my guide, I would consider all of their many wonderful qualities, ask them firmly to give me a helping hand, and simply get on with life, maybe even being thankful for the opportunity to be a stay-at-home wife and mother.

How things work best

As the saying goes, practice makes perfect. As the years of living a Christian marriage have added up, it becomes easier (most of the time) to choose to love God by loving Kevin. I have often thought of marriage like a rock tumbler. With each spin our rough edges are being smoothed away and the bumps are no longer quite as jarring. And the children? Grown and gone, showing the wisdom of the advice to give priority to our spousal relationship. If anything, the pattern of self-giving love that Kevin and I have attempted to show each other has become a model for our daughter in her marriage, hopefully beginning a reversal of the cultural training that encourages self-interest.
Regardless of the vocation we have been called to, we need to contemplate Jesus as the model for joyful and peaceful living. When we consciously choose to disengage from the earthly battles that disturb our peace and seek to unite ourselves more closely to God’s heavenly plan, we will live our own modified version of paradise. And God will say, “This is very good!”

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– Crystal and Kevin Sullivan have been involved in ministering to young couples for years. Kevin retired early from his legal firm to dedicate himself full time to ministry. Crystal left the corporate world to raise her children, completed a Master’s in Pastoral Theology and is into various forms of ministry. They have a daughter and a son, and three grandchildren.

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