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A group of college students in Tura, Meghalaya, give their answers to the question: “If you had Rupees Ten Lakhs to distribute, what would you do with it?” We thank Sr Mariola Sequeira MSA for collecting their replies. Only first names or initials are given with each answer.

“I will distribute Rupees ten lakh by donating it to an orphanage, but only after my needs are fulfilled.  I would need at least five lakhs to first fulfill my needs.” (Das)

“I would give all the money to the poor who beg, so that they will stop begging and stand on their own feet.” (S.K.)

“I would give one lakh each to ten students who would like to study further.  I would let them choose whatever studies they want to do.” (S.)

“Looking at the present scenario of so many people affected by the floods in Assam, I would give the money to a responsible organization towards flood relief in Assam.” (Ritumoni)

“I would give it to some poor people to start a business of their own.”

“I would give Rupees five lakhs to Mother’s Teresa’s sisters (the Missionaries of Charity) as I know that they would spend it on poor children. And, Rupees five lakhs, I would give to Montfort School for the physically challenged children.” (Anonymous)

“I would give to those people who don’t have a son or daughter.  With that money, they would go to a Home for the Aged and spend their last days in peace.” (Ashish)

“I would give to people who don’t have a home to live in. I think ten families at least would have a small house of their own with this money.’ (Tengjiring)

“I would invest it in the share market.  Then, when the money increases, I would give it to the poor and the needy.” (Biju)

“I would distribute it among my brothers, sisters and cousins for their education.” (Ismael)

“I would distribute it to the poor and needy in the neighbourhood, especially for their clothes and food.” (Sr X.)

“I would distribute five lakhs to the poor in my village and five lakhs to the poor in urban areas, especially the blind and street children.” (Solesh)

“I would distribute it to the sick in the hospitals – those who cannot afford medicines and medical treatment.” (Sengkam)

“I feel so sad to see that so many people don’t know Christ as yet, so I would distribute ten lakh rupees among those who have not heard about Christ, by distributing Christian books and literature.” (Chanang)

 “I would distribute five lakh to the orphanage in my neighbourhood and five lakh to the poor to build houses.” (Anonymous)

If YOU were to win a lottery and get Rs 10,00,000, what would you do with the money?

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Screenplay & Direction: Tim Robbins.

Starring: Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn.

Running time: 120 minutes.

“This film ennobles filmmaking.”-Roger Ebert

Dead Man Walking is inspired by the memoirs of Sister Helen Prejean, an American Catholic nun who is a renowned crusader against the death penalty. She is a social activist, but new to the world of courts, prisons and criminals. On request, she visits Matthew Poncelet, a youth condemned for rape and murder of two teenagers. Poncelet wants to seek her help to appeal for clemency. The officials in the establishment, including the chaplain, disapprove of her interest in helping Matthew. However, Sr Helen connects with the introverted, defiant youth who pretends innocence. She gets the help of an old lawyer. But the attempt to save Matthew fails, because of the Governor’s opportunism, and the heinous nature of the murder.  Helen’s quest for clemency exposes the cruel complexities of the system of crime and punishment—the attitude of the politicians, the legal officers, the clergy and the general public, displaying a system that is deeply defective, arbitrary and biased in favour of the powerful and the privileged. Sister Helen shares the trauma faced by the criminal and his family as well as the families of the victims. Helen does not press the familiar ‘religious’ patronising on anyone. But as Poncelet’s spiritual advisor, she counsels the young man to accept his personal responsibility and make peace with God before he goes to receive his lethal injection. She stays with him in during the final moments, telling him “I want the last face you see to be the face of love.”

Dead Man Walking tells us that killing, whether done by a government or individuals, deeply wounds everyone connected to it one way or the other. It is also about the redeeming power of love and forgiveness. The death penalty or capital punishment is highly contested form of punishment. It does not reduce the levels of crime; it fosters a mentality of revenge rather than of correction; there is no way to correct a wrong judgement; the rate of punishment is disproportionately higher for poorer persons. Politics, personal and collective anger, and sheer callousness operate behind it.

The movie received great critical acclaim—two Oscar nominations and one win for Susan Sarandon, who played Helen Prejean.

Quotes from the movie:

Mathew Poncelet: “I never had no real love myself. I never loved a woman or anybody else or myself, just never could. Might figure I’d have to die to find love. Thank you for loving me.”

Sister Helen Prejean: “I’m just trying to follow the example of Jesus, who said every person is worth more than his worst act.”

“Redemption isn’t some kind of free admission ticket that you get because Jesus paid the price….”

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It’s scary when someone tells you through a social media chat, “For the first time in life do something useful. It’s good to die young!” Mumbai woke up to a shocking news on 30^th July 2017, when a young 14-year-old posted a last photo of himself on Instagram with these words, “Soon the only thing you would be left with is a picture of me.” This ninth-class student jumped to his death from the fifth floor of his building. What triggered this? Immediately, the media and friends asked, “Could he have been India’s first victim of the Blue Whale suicide challenge that has already taken one hundred and fifty young lives the world over?”

This potentially dangerous social media game, the ‘Blue Whale suicide challenge’ traps young vulnerable lives, literally brain-washing them, with fifty tasks over a fifty-day period with invitations to try a number of activities that do harm: waking up at 4.00 am watching horror movies, eating wrong foods, cutting oneself, etc. The final challenge is to commit suicide.

Blue Whales are commonly known to beach themselves up in order to die. The game “challenges” the viewer to do the destructive activities s/he is supposed to do. It plays on the vulnerability of the young and the ease with which they can be manipulated. When “challenged,” youngsters will tend to do dangerous or destructive things, rather than appear afraid.

Waking up each morning for fifty days and posting ‘live updates’ on performing the challenge is psychologically draining, physically exhausting and socially constricting. From simple sinister tasks like listening to songs, it moves to watching horror movies, cutting one’s arms and drawing blood from whale symbols, the young vulnerable mind is slowly heading to be ‘beached up.’ With every video or photographic proof provided, the administrators of the Blue Whale game keep inciting the gamer to get more adventurous. The cruel part is:  the gamer cannot quit the oncoming challenge. Threats are made on family members if they decide to quit. The only way to win this game is to die! Suicide the only path. Being victorious is dying young.

When 21-year-old Philip Budeikin, the Russian inventor of the ‘Blue Whale Suicide Challenge,’ was interviewed while serving a jail sentence, he confessed a shocking reason for inventing such a game. He said, “These youngsters are ‘biological wastes’ and they are ‘happy to die’. I am only ‘cleansing society’. Dying young is the only good thing they can do in society!” What a sick and sickening view of young people!

Understanding the New Millennial Gen:

In an interview on Inside Quest (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lU3R0ot18bg), Simon Sinek shares his views on the New Millennial Generation in the workplace and their internet addiction. While I personally don’t subscribe to all his views, his many insights on four important areas – parenting, technology, impatience and environment – are key pointers to enable us to journey with the young in moving away from a culture of death to celebrating a ‘Culture of Life.’ We, parents, guardians, religious and educators in particular, have a moral responsibility in creating spaces and platforms for the young to Celebrate Life. No youngster can be labelled as a ‘biological waste.’ Every life is a God-given gift – unique and special.  Helping the young to be fully alive is our sacred task.

Baleia Rosa – the new ‘Pink Whale’ Game:

Baleia Rosa or the ‘Pink Whale’ game is a new found proactive game that encourages the young people to generate more positivity and kindness around one’s life. Started as recently as April 2017 in Brazil, this game is making an impact to ‘save a young life.’ Young minds are invited to perform generous acts, promote self-love and acceptance, even scribble ‘I am beautiful’ on one’s wrist! In short, Baleia Rosa simply adds more love, kindness and creates a healthier and happier environment for all. The challenge is to save a person’s life, an animal life, the environment or even an organization. With the support of the Brazilian Government, this Baleia Rosa is a twin whale swimming across the internet to ‘viralise’ the cause of celebrating life more abundantly and purposefully.

Six Helps the Young Need

Across India,  September 5^th is celebrated as Teacher’s Day. As educators, our primary task is not to impart knowledge or to complete a particular syllabus. Neither should our educational institutes be focused only on securing a 100% result. Our institutions need to be seedbeds for cultivating rich values and virtues. Life is more than a classroom experience. Education needs to be a life-centered. How can we make a difference?

1. Focus on all the students simply because every teenage mind is vulnerable. It is a myth to believe that only a few minds are vulnerable.
2. Accompany students to develop ‘healthy internet choices’ and to know its consequences. Not all media and websites are bad or destructive. Without being a web-drone, with prudence, follow your students on their various social networking platforms. Engage in purposeful chats rather than on simplistic forwards.
3. Promote a Culture of Celebrating Life and stop the glorification of suicides. Is suicide contagious? Yes, research shows that especially among 15-19-year olds, it is four times more likely! Promote the ‘Hijack Blue Whale Campaign’ as in Hong Kong, where anti-suicide associations for prevention of ‘Youth Soc-icide’ support the celebration of life. The ‘Pink Whale Challenge’ seems to be a better option too.
4. Develop gentle ‘psychological vigilance’ over your student’s sudden change in behaviour or life style. Provide opportunities for daily sharing of experiences and help them to seek solutions to the difficulties they face, rather than allowing them to gravitate towards seeking solutions from social networks or ‘virtual social popularity’. Present ‘mental health’ as an opportunity for growth rather than a problem to be shunned.
5. Extend your school boundaries to enter into daily family life. More education takes place at home than in a classroom. Parents need to collaborate with educators for the good their children.
6. Life can best be celebrated when one is in touch with the Divine Creator. Provide moments for deep spiritual exercises and prayerful experiences. This is where we can make a huge impact on young minds and hearts.

On Teacher’s Day, we can commit ourselves to educating our students to celebrate life abundantly. The best way to cleanse society is not the ‘Blue Whale’ campaign, but to liberate young lives to lead themselves and celebrate life more purposefully, serenely, lovingly and spiritually each day. The “Pink Whale” of life and love is better any day than the “Blue Whale” of manipulation and self-destruction.

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The following questions can be used for personal reflection and community sharing. It may be good to start the meeting by reading a relevant Gospel passage, e.g., John 13: 1-17, which speaks of Jesus washing the feet of his disciples and what he told them during and after that gesture.

Each person needs a copy of this page and a pen. After the gospel reading, each one takes 8-10 minutes to fill in the questionnaire. This is followed by sharing in small groups of three or four. If the community or family or parish group is larger, it is better to split into smaller groups. In larger groups, the sharing will not be effective. Do not pressurize anyone to say more than what they are comfortable with.

Questions for reflection and sharing

1. Recall a touching act of loving service someone did for you, like what Jesus did. What was the gesture? ……………………………………………………………………………………………………….. Who did it? ………………………………….. How did you feel during the act? ………………………. How do you feel about it now? ………………………………………………………………………………..
2. Recall an act of loving service you did for someone else or for a group, especially one that cost you. What did you do? ………………………………………………………………………………..

How did you feel while doing it? ……………………………………………………………………………….

How do you feel about it now? …………………………………………………………………………………

3. Recall a happy and loving community/family/parish you have been part of. What made it a loving and joyful experience for the members? ……………………………………………………
4. Will employees and visitors be impressed by the love, joy and mutual service in your present family/community/parish? Yes/No.
5. What needs to be done to improve it? ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

6. A Christian family/religious community/parish should be marked by joy, love and service of the needy. Recall a leader (parent, superior, parish priest) who led the community in this way: …………………………………………. What did s/he do that helped the group to be marked by love, joy and service? ………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
7. Recall an ordinary member of your family, religious community or parish whose presence and behaviour brought a sense of joy, love and service to the group: ………………… What have your learnt from this person’s example? ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

8. List at least THREE CONCRETE STEPS you will take to make your family/religious community/parish a home of love, joy and service. (Examples: Pray for those who have hurt you, rather than speak ill of them; volunteer to help with extra work; speak well of others in their absence; treat employees lovingly; be nice to the poor people who come for help; show warm hospitality to visitors, …)

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“Sister, can I have a word with you?”

Rani seems anxious, even embarrassed.

“Sure what’s the matter?” I think she isn’t well or has had misunderstanding with someone.

“Sister, …. I love one boy…. He loves me too…. I can’t think of anything else. I can’t study, I can’t eat or sleep. I have even lost interest in my friends. Nothing appeals to me besides spending time with him… I want to be always with him. If he calls, I am happy for the rest of the day. When he doesn’t, I become anxious, afraid to lose his love. I also feel suffocated because I can’t speak about it with my parents. To meet him or to attend his calls I often have to invent stories…”

People would say that Rani is in love. However, what she experiences has more to do with attraction and its ‘side-effects.’

Is it bad? Is it wrong? Is she bad? Is she wrong? The only answer to this question is: Her response to the feeling of attraction corresponds to the way every human being has been programmed.

We need to understand why we experience this powerful pull towards another human being. We also need to see why attraction and desire alter us so powerfully and why the feeling can be so addictive.

Such attraction is not just a mental or emotional reality. It is influenced by three powerful chemicals which affect us very strongly. They are: dopamine, adrenaline and serotonin. We can see the three of them at work in Rani’s experience.

When we undergo the pull of attraction, there is a rise of dopamine and adrenaline in our blood. Dopamine makes us feel good in a way similar to the drug cocaine. And, like cocaine, dopamine is also known to produce higher level of energy, suppressed hunger, higher ability to focus and less need for sleep. Adrenaline on the other side is responsible for the increased heart beat and sweaty palm. It is the ‘fight or flight ‘hormone. It tells us to be alert because something serious is taking place that can affect our lives.

‘Falling in love’ also brings the serotonin level of our body down. Serotonin is a chemical in our body that is involved in sleep, depression, and memory. Some of the consequences of the lower level of serotonin are anxiety and nervousness.

Why do we experience attraction? And why with a particular person and not with another one?

Psychology, biology and other sciences have come to the following conclusions:

1. Attraction takes place because of our ‘programming.’ Its ‘purpose’ is to ensure that we seek and identify the one most genetically suited for transmitting our combined genes to an offspring. It is a biological imperative for the survival of any species.
2. It involves all our senses in an imperceptible way that has less to do with how “sweet” the person is and more with how our senses perceive him or her.
3. It starts with puberty and ends… well, some say one hour after we die!
4. Attraction isn’t something we decide to experience. It has no switch-on or off button. It has a time limit but can however be reignited.
5. Though desire isn’t love, it can lead to love or to commitment.

Let’s have a look at the first two points.

Attraction takes place because of our programming to ensure the continuity of the species.

Ever wondered why someone who is appealing to you isn’t attractive to another person?

Science tells us that we are ‘wired’ to identify the person who is most suitable to us genetically. In genetics, suitability is based on diversity. In other words, the more a person has a genetic set up dissimilar to ours, the more he or she becomes alluring to our senses. How is it so? When two persons of very different DNA have children there is more chance for their children to be stronger and healthier. On the other side, the more similar the parents’ DNA are, the weaker and the more prone to sickness and malformation their children are likely to be.

It involves all our senses

Our brains are programmed to pick up the necessary sensorial clues from the others. Our body structure, the symmetry of our face, our personal smell and the sound of our voice convey something of our genetic and ‘reproductive qualities’.

Experiments in this regard have found that:

Sight

Men are most sensible to physically attractive women. We know that already, but that is not all:

Men and women find symmetrical faces more appealing.

Both men’s and women’s eyes pick up and are attracted by the other gender’s physical characteristics: broad shoulder and narrow waist for the male and curvaceous forms for the female.

Smell

Unbeknown to women, their nose perceives genetic messages that make them like or dislike another man’s body odour. During experiments women preferred the smell of t-shirts worn by men most genetically dissimilar to them. Likewise the smell they disliked the most was from t-shirts worn by their own brothers.

Men, on the other hand, unconsciously perceive and are more attracted by the smell of women in their period of ovulation, regardless of their physical appearance.

Sound

Similar to the shape of the body, the voices with stronger feminine or masculine character are most attractive to the other gender. Men prefer women with higher pitch voices and women prefer men with lower pitched voices.

All this sounds cold, doesn’t t it? Quite alien from the burning sensation or glowing warmth that attraction produces… If we thought that we had a say in what makes a person attractive to us, these scientific facts bring quite a disillusion. Our brain plays funny tricks on us! It influences our likes and dislikes in a profound, unconscious and powerful way.

If we think about it, could it not be that the science of attraction reveals something special about God? It helps us see a creative passionate God who made us drawn to others in thousand intricate ways.

That’s why I’d like to conclude with the words of the psalm 139, 14-15:

‘For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.’

There is more to human attraction than chemicals and unconscious factors, of course. More about this in the next article.

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CRYSTAL

Many years ago, on a Marriage Encounter retreat, Kevin and I were introduced to the notion of “personality styles.” It included taking a brief assessment which helped us to identify with one of four distinct personality styles. Back then, this showed me to be a “Helper” or someone whose prime value is to be in relationship with others. Kevin is a “Catalyst,” who likes spontaneity and making things happen.  At the time, it helped me understand the motivation for my actions and the reasons that I reacted so differently to situations than Kevin did. I accepted the results because they verified what had indeed played out in my life time and time again… I am most satisfied and joyful when I feel loved and when I give love to others.

Of course, as Christians we are all called to love others, no matter our personality style.  Jesus makes this clear, as seen in the Scripture passage “Love one another as I have loved you.” In that regard, I was brought to a dead-stop in my prayer when I read a reflection on the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus written by Sister Ruth Burrows, O.C. D. where she wrote that we enter into the heart of God “only by becoming like it, living in love at whatever cost, paying the high cost of loving… You simply cannot have love in this life without pain.”

Something about this passage made me pause… then pause some more.  I already knew that this notion is certainly not the popular understanding of love that is propagated by the Western media. However, this self-forgetful love is exactly what is needed to be a true apostle of Jesus Christ, whose love was best exemplified by His willingness to carry the cross to His death.

I usually would have thought about carrying my cross as the hard work of continuing in ministry when our efforts seem useless, or in offering up physical pain of an illness without complaint. I had never thought about it as accepting that others that I care about might be the opportunity I am given to take up my cross and follow Jesus.  Usually, when I feel hurt by what someone has said (or not said), done (or not done), my first inclination is to withdraw emotionally and become distant and judgmental.  I start to have conversations in my head in which I am innocent victim: How dare she imply that I am inconsiderate? Who is he to judge me as being impatient when he is even more impatient? Why doesn’t she understand that I tried my best and now feel ridiculed and unappreciated?

This is where Sister Burrows digs even deeper into the core of the problem: “We say we want to love, we want to serve, want to give ourselves, and at bottom we are saying we want selfish satisfaction. We want to feel we matter, are important, we want to feel fulfilled; in other words we are using others, and the beautiful concept of love is being abused. Love is selfless. The way into the Heart of Jesus is…through learning to pay the cost of pure love. “

To put it lightly, this is extremely challenging.  No matter where we are in life, we have to recognize that pure love is going to come at a cost to our ego and our way of seeing the world. We have to turn over our minds as well as our hearts to allow for the potentially life-changing experience of loving purely.

In my opinion, marriage is one of the best places to learn selfless love. I say this because most married couples have a few advantages over other relationships. There is the pleasure of the initial romance, which brought us to the point where we looked forward to a lifetime spent loving each other. In addition, we receive the ongoing graces of our Sacrament, the fruits of our love which often includes children, and yes, even the joy of shared responsibilities which can keep our love strong and permanent. All of these things create strong bonds and a sturdy platform for the tough work of loving.

But inevitably there comes a time in every relationship that we are disappointed, when we feel misunderstood and unappreciated, and that is when loving becomes difficult.  Perhaps beyond difficult, it may feel like we are being asked to pick up a cross we have no desire to carry. The weight and the pain of loving someone who we judge is not deserving of love might seem to make the effort of taking the next right step impossible. This is where we find ourselves looking heavenward and imploring God to do something. The answer, spoken through Sister Burrows, is that we must do something, which is to realize that “there is sacrifice involved in letting others be themselves.”

In our marriage, Kevin and I have occasionally experienced painful situations where, because of our personality styles, our approach to a problem was so different that we felt attacked and disrespected by the other.  I can only wonder how things could have been resolved differently and more positively had I heeded the advice to ‘let Kevin be himself’ and to do so whether he was willing to understand my viewpoint or not. This would be the best way to love until it hurts, to enter into the heart of Jesus by becoming like it, with an outpouring of love which doesn’t make sense outside of God’s plan for us.  Perhaps by taking a breath and asking God to bring His love into my heart, so that in my weakness, my sensitivity and my pride, He will pour the graces I need to love Kevin as he deserves to be loved.

KEVIN

The exercise on identifying personality styles was indeed an eye opener. For so many, courtship is marked by focusing on our similarities. As we find ourselves “in love” the differences we see are trivialized or dismissed as not important.  However when we move into marriage the differences we experience can divide and separate us.  How we deal with those differences then becomes a critical skill for any long term relationship such a marriage. That is why it was so helpful to learn that our personality styles are neither right nor wrong. They are just different.

Even though we are all created in the image and likeness of God we are all unique. Not better or worse, just different.  The power of the personality types exercise is that it serves as a first step in becoming a more compassionate and understanding person. If I can accept that Crystal may have a different view or approach to life or a particular issue, I don’t have to be threatened by apparent disagreement.  So often when there is conflict or even seemingly hostile comments I can appreciate that they are usually more about what is going on in Crystal’s life than they are about me.  At those times when Crystal might be a little short with me, my first impulse need not be to become defensive but to consider what might be going on for her that may have stressed or aggravated her. When I can respond in an understanding, compassionate and other centered way, conflict is likely to be avoided and tensions diminished. However, when I become self-protective things can escalate in a hurry. Learning to understand and accept our differences has been a powerful step forward. When the inevitable differences or conflicts arise our love for each other is not threatened or damaged as it may have been in the past. The conflict is a temporary obstacle which we seek to overcome as quickly and painlessly as possible so that we can go about helping each other to feel loved and loveable. Viva le difference!

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There is a difference between community life and communion. We come together and live in community for a double purpose—to help each other to get closer to God and to fulfil the common mission. A community helps us to reach both these goals. The community is the place where we release our tensions and are energized for our mission. Celebrations and lighter moments reduce our tension and break the monotony. A religious who lives in a loving community has far more zest and joy in mission.

But community life itself can become a source of tension. Many communities appear as patched up unrelated parts. In several communities, there is sadly only a business-oriented, merely functional, relationship. There is apparent cordiality, which rarely includes a deep, sincere, trusting and warm relationship among the members. Over-involvement in work forces the members to avoid sharing in community responsibilities and being accountable to others in the community. We keep ourselves simply busy. Ministry becomes an excuse for not meeting others meaningfully.

An extremely important means to build up communion in communities is communication. Nasty judgments, unjust criticism, calculated coldness and subtle manoeuvres would disappear, if there is genuine, humble and positive communication. The spirituality of communion implies the ability to see what is positive in others, to welcome it and to value it as a gift from God and to know how to share each other’s burdens. If somebody is better than we are, we can learn from them. We can learn to enjoy others’ success.

Don’t take what others say about you too seriously: It has been said that only two people can tell you who you really are: an enemy who has lost her/his temper and a friend who genuinely loves you. Listen to them and learn about yourself. Do not react, oppose or defend yourself. Rather study their comments, evaluate them and see if what they say is true. If true, work on it. A Bishop told his priests that he would not like any homily for his funeral, adding: “I do not want to be lying in the coffin, while another is lying in the pulpit.”

So, too, telling someone, “I am sorry” has a great value. Agree to disagree. Arguments are seldom productive. You win an argument, and lose a friend.

Get rid of the idea that “I have to teach her a lesson or else she will never learn.” People do not learn by being opposed, but rather by being understood, cared for and being dealt with respect and compassion. Use your heart and not just your head and reasoning. Listen respectfully. Never minimize the other’s feelings by saying: You are over-reacting; you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. We may be hearing the other’s words, but not really listening to their feelings.

Learn to forgive. A community is not made up of perfect people. Each one is a mixture of good and bad, like Jesus’ community. None of us are perfect products of God. We are still a work in progress. I may not like somebody’s voice, hair-style, beard, features or ideas. I am not bound to like them. Yet, I have no right to oppose, reject or humiliate a person on account of these aspects. I am called to love everybody—including those whose ways I do not like. God can write straight with crooked lines. Develop compassion. Let not community members feel: “When I do something good, no one remembers it; but when I commit a mistake, no one forgets.”

It is OK to allow people to make mistakes. Novice Mistress once called a novice and scolded her for not making the Sign of the Cross properly because some senior sisters had complained about it.  The novice accepted the correction, but decided to test whether the others really made the sign of the cross well! The next morning, when the sisters came out of the chapel after Mass, the novice had a good laugh. Every sister had a cluster of three blue smudges on the chest of her white habit. Not a single one showed a real cross! How come? The previous night, the novice had poured ink into the holy water cup at the entrance of the chapel!

When you are hurt, there is no harm in crying. For many women, crying is often an outlet for anger. (There is a gender difference here: Women tend to express anger as sadness, e.g., by crying, and men often express sadness as anger!) As individuals and as society it may be time to re-think our attitudes about crying. If you are a woman, the chances are better. Our society tends to admire those who appear to be strong. Men are said to die earlier than women. Could there be a connection? St. Francis speaks of “the gift of tears.” Jesus wept (Gospel of John, 11:35). There is a therapeutic, healing power in tears. We speak of salt in tears, but there seems to be  evidence of washed out toxins. While weeping may be helpful, take care not to hurt yourself or to defuse your anger through alcohol, or drugs, such as, tranquillisers or sleeping pills.

A mistake we should avoid: Giving our anger free rein, while being stingy with our smiles. No! Be generous with your smile and restrained in showing anger. After all, aren’t we placed on this earth to increase the joy and goodness in the world? Each of us can light up the place around us if, instead of going around with a long face, or repeatedly recalling our hurts, we decide to spread joy around us.

You have probably heard what is called the Serenity Prayer: “Lord, give me the courage to change what I can; the serenity to accept what I cannot change; and the wisdom to know the difference”. This would also be a wise guideline in dealing with people—including the limitations and foibles that all of us have.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION AND SHARING:

1. Have I been happy in most of the communities I have lived in?
2. What do I tend to notice more easily—people’s good qualities or their defects?
3. What do I talk about more frequently and more readily—the good that others do or their failures?
4. Religious do not the face the type of cruel and inhuman treatment that some married people face—marital violence, public abuse, addictions leading to humiliation and violence, quarrels and court cases over money and property. What can we do to make life in community happier and more edifying?
5. In both marriage and celibate life, the main challenge of young adulthood—soon after marriage or religious profession—is adjustment. Very similar qualities are needed to succeed in either way of life. Do I see adjusting to different characters as a normal challenge of life, rather than as a huge mountain?
6. Will I grow up and benefit more if I mix with those who think like me, or by living with a variety of persons with different tastes and views?
7. When someone expresses a view different from mine, do I really listen and try to understand—or do I reject it immediately, and start arguing with the person?
8. How would you describe relationships in most communities you have lived in—homes of love with deep mutual care and respect; superficial relationships marked by indifference and lack of trust; bitter antagonism, rivalry and jealousy?
9. What can I do to build up a true communion of hearts and minds wherever I live and work, rather than just work-related and superficial meetings, or (worse still) mutual distrust, prejudice and jealousy?

Would most communities that know me be happy to have me as a member?

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Caroline is in her third year of married life. In the three last years, she became a wife, a daughter-in-law and a mother. She also started working outside at the end of her maternity leave. She says: “My in-laws expect lot from me. I feel that they always see me as incompetent. My cooking is just average, the house isn’t as tidy as it should be. It seems that I don’t even care for my baby properly… My husband never seems to understand how hard it is for me to handle the home and the job. I just wish he could help me more, take a stand for me now and then, and appreciate what I do a little more.”

Fr. Paul was ordained six months ago, and sent to help in a big parish. He is full of energy, has plenty of ideas and is eager to reach out to people.  The parish priest, Fr Henry, is kind and takes care of him. However, after the first month, he tells Fr Paul: “Our parishioners are attached to tradition. Please don’t try new things in the liturgy. And listen more during the Parish councils.” Fr. Paul feels disillusioned. He says: “I tried to gather young people, to organize a choir, but Fr Henry doesn’t seem to care much… He even seems unhappy when parishioners approach me.”

Caroline and Fr. Paul’s stories summarize some of the challenges young people have faced and shared with me regarding their family life or relationships at work.

Let’s pick up the main areas of struggle:

• others’ expectations
• feeling incompetent
• longing for appreciation
• feeling overwhelmed
• resistance to change or to try new ways
• feeling silenced, voiceless
• lack of support
• resentment or jealousy of seniors/others when we accomplish something noteworthy or good

What could possibly help us grow to be ourselves in our home or religious community? What we first need to work at is building our self-respect. Here are steps that help us build self-respect.

Seven Tips

1. Hold yourself well, with dignity. Dressing neatly and having good hygiene sends across the message that we respect ourselves and thus deserve respect.
2. Strive to be courteous, keeping a dignified language. Filthy or abusive language tarnishes first of all the image of the speaker.
3. Make your own choices and decisions. Determine what your core values are and stick to them. Being always a ‘follower’ does not inspire much respect.
4. Don’t procrastinate. When you set your mind on doing something, don’t wait forever. People respect action.
5. Develop your mind. Notice events happening around you and in the world. Learn new things. Read.
6. Be optimistic and behave with confidence. A simple tip: Keep your chin slightly upward. Psychologists say that it sends across the message of self-confidence and commands respect or attention.
7. Admit your mistakes and apologize when you hurt people.

A Big Eighth Help

Ummm, I can hear you say: “Yea, Sister, these tips are nice on paper, but you don’t know what kind of superior/ parish priest/in-laws/spouse/boss I have!”

That’s true! So, here’s my last tip.

When some people seem determined to keep you down: Look into God’s eyes. Learn your self-worth from Him. The Bible—which is God’s own powerful Word—has strong and tender passages that build us up. “You knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for the wonder of my being.” (Psalm 139: 13-15). Or: ^“I know the plans I have for you—plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29: 11). When you tend to fill your head with worry, this is what God tells you: ^“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God…Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows” (Luke 12: 6-7).

If God has such wonderful plans for you, and carries you in His heart, don’t you think you (and everyone else) are precious and well-made?

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She was neither a saint nor a scholar. Irena Sendler was just a nurse and a social worker. But her remarkable life asks everyone: ‘On whose side are you – life or death – light or darkness?’

Born on 15 February 1910 in Warsaw, Poland, Irena was probably influenced by her courageous father, a doctor – Dr Stanisław Krzyżanowski. When she was just seven, he died from typhus contracted while treating patients whom his colleagues refused to treat in fear of contracting the disease. She studied Polish literature at Warsaw University, but became a social worker.

Germany’s Nazi forces invaded Poland in 1939 and rounded up about 450,000 Jews and forced them to live in what came to be called the Warsaw Ghetto. Nobody could get in or out. But Irena was determined to save the jailed Jews, especially their children. Since Irena was an employee of the Social Welfare Department, she had a special permit to enter the Ghetto to check for signs of typhus, then a deadly disease the Germans feared. Under the pretext of conducting inspections of sanitary conditions within the Ghetto, Sendler and her co-workers smuggled out Jewish babies and children, sometimes in ambulances and trams, sometimes hiding them in packages and suitcases. She was aware it was a huge risk, as the Nazis had announced that giving any kind of assistance to Jews in the German-occupied Poland was punishable by death – not just for the person who was providing the help but also for their entire family.

Undeterred by such enormous risks, Sendler smuggled approximately 2,500 Jewish children out of the Warsaw Ghetto and then provided them with false identity documents and shelter outside the Ghetto, saving those children from certain death in gas chambers. Jewish children were given Christian names and placed with Polish Christian families or orphanages run by Sisters. But since Sendler hoped to return them to their Jewish families and faith when the war was over, she kept carefully written lists with their original names and parents and the fake Christian names and Christian families that sheltered them. She and her co-workers hid these lists in glass jars which they buried.

But the Nazis eventually discovered all that she did to save Jewish children and arrested her on 20 October 1943. They tortured her severely, breaking her legs and feet. Since she refused to divulge any information about her co-workers or the children they rescued, she was sentenced to death by firing squad. But Zegota, the secret organization formed to save Jews of which she was a member, managed to save her just before her execution, by bribing the guards who helped her escape. On the following day the Germans put up posters all over the city, declaring Irena Sendler was shot dead. Irena read the posters herself.

After her escape she was forced to live a hidden life, working as a nurse with a false name. When finally the Nazis had to flee Poland to escape from the advancing Soviet troops and the war was over, she dug up the glass jars with the records of children she saved and tried to find their parents. Sadly, most of them had died in the Nazi extermination camps. Later the Communists who came to power in Poland harassed her because of her involvement with groups that opposed the Communist oppression.

When her extraordinary achievements came to be known, she was showered with awards. In 1965 Sendler was recognised by the government of Israel as ‘Righteous among the Nations.’ Later she was awarded ‘the Order of the White Eagle’, Poland’s highest civilian honour. In 2003, Pope John Paul II sent Sendler a personal letter praising her. “Every child saved with my help is the justification of my existence on this earth,” she said. She died on 12 May 2008, aged 98, and is buried in Warsaw’s Powązki Cemetery.

While Nazis of every age and every society continue to hate, to torture and kill, Irena Sendlers of every age continue to love, care and save.

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How an honest, well-brought-up boy from a fervent Catholic family became a success in business, then went into a life of sin, and found his way back to God in a way he had not expected.

HAPPY CHILDHOOD

I come from a very loving and deeply religious Catholic family. My father was an engineer in the Madhya Pradesh Electricity Board, who set up many power stations in MP and rose to the topmost position in his department. My mother was an excellent teacher who taught English Literature and History to Senior Cambridge students.  Many of my mother’s students were Britishers, and I was so proud that she taught Britishers English. My eldest sister is a doctor (Pediatrician) in Mumbai and my other sister is a lecturer in Canada. I am the youngest.

Opposite my home stayed two wonderful nurses who were living saints, who loved God and their neighbours and the poor very much. I was deeply influenced by my parents and them. Some friends used to call me Satyavadi Harischandra (after the Indian king who always spoke the truth). Whenever there was a dispute during a game, other children would say, “Ask Vinu; he will tell the truth.” We had many priests and nuns in my family. I wanted to be a priest right from high school, but, being the only son, I never had the courage to tell my parents.

SINFUL YOUNG ADULTHOOD

I studied management, and joined a multinational company. It was boom time in India, and we dealt with foreign companies and huge sums of money. But often my bosses and my work demanded that I lie and do unethical things. I was told it is routine and all do it. I too got caught in the web. But my conscience would trouble me a lot and was never at peace with myself. I went up the corporate ladder very fast, getting more power and money, but, deep down, I was not happy.

In 1996, after working for four years with various multi-national companies, I came home on my birthday, and told my father and mother I wanted to be a priest.

My daddy’s only brother had joined the MSFS Order and died before he could be a priest. So, daddy agreed. But my mother, who loved me very much, started crying. She said, “Son, I don’t want you to go.” I could not see my mother so unhappy. So, I decided not to become a priest.

I went back to Mumbai and continued working very hard for a multinational company.

On weekends, I decided to try all the bad habits I had avoided so far. I frequented the company of people I had always kept away from. In the next two years, I went from bad to worse. I indulged in the very things I should have run away from, the wrong things my family had taught me to shun.

SHOCKED INTO GOOD SENSE

In 1998 I had met all the targets of my company and decided to take a fifteen-day vacation in the South of India. On learning I was going to South India, my eldest sister told me, “Why don’t you go for a one week retreat to Potta, Kerala?” I did not want to go.  I said, “What will I do there for seven days?” But she told me of the great things that were happening there.

I decided to go only out of curiosity. I took the Bible, but also seven novels, which I planned to read during the retreat. Whenever I read the Bible prior to this retreat it would put me to sleep. When I entered the retreat, I saw high school students poring over the bible. I wondered what they were getting from the Bible and said to myself: Let them read the Bible; I have seven novels to read.

I used to attend all the sessions. In my spare time I read my novels. One day, something happened that gave me a real jolt. I listened to a man who was the chief priest of a Hindu temple, and was called the Golden tongue shastri, since he knew the Hindu scriptures very well and would go abroad to lecture on them. He was also a member of the BJP and RSS. One day, this man went up on the dais with his face glowing and said, “Jesus is my saviour, Jesus is my God.” He then went on to share how Jesus healed his wife, who had a paralytic stroke, and how he experienced Jesus. Then he made a remark that put a sword through my heart. He said, “I experience Jesus every day.”

I was shattered. Here was a Hindu priest who experienced Jesus every day. I said to myself, “I have not experienced Jesus even once, even though I come from a good Catholic family.” I asked myself, “What’s wrong with me?” and begged Jesus to give me an experience of Him just once. I told him, “Lord, I’m coming Home. I’ve wandered far away from you, now I’m coming home; the paths of sin too long I’ve trod; Lord, I’m coming home.”

I began thirsting for an experience and used every available opportunity and spare time to pray the rosary and ask Jesus to give me an experience of Him. My prayer was answered—in ways I had not expected.

I had gone there planning to spend a week—reluctantly. I stayed for two weeks. I experienced Jesus powerfully during Holy Hour one day, and he met me again during the Sacrament of Reconciliation, helping me to make a very good confession, after which I had the beautiful experience of being filled with the Holy Spirit. Later, I went to the chapel, and asked the Lord, “What is it you want me to do?” His answer came in the Bible text, “Deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow me.” I told him that my mother would not allow me to become a priest.

I shared with my mother the experience of God that I had at the retreat and asked her permission to be a priest. She said, “Son, if this is what God is asking of you, and this is what you want, go!” That day, I experienced the truth of the hymn, “He makes all things beautiful in his time.”

I quit my firm, telling my boss that I was going to serve the best CEO in the world, who was calling me to export people to heaven.

RELIGIOUS LIFE, PRIESTHOOD, AND FACING DEATHS AND ILLNESS

I joined the Redemptorists congregation the same year. While I was in formation my Father died. Just a few months before my ordination, I received a call from my eldest sister: “Come immediately; mummy is dying.” Doctors kept saying there was no hope. I used to be with her in the mornings in the hospital and in the evening I would go to the chapel, and cry, and tell Jesus, “You cannot take my mother too, just before my ordination. I need her.” One day, after three months, my mother opened her eyes and she received the first spoon of water from my hands. Within a short time she was discharged, and within three months she was well enough to lead me to the altar and offer me to God to be a priest.

My mother lived for two and a half years after my ordination and was a source of strength and joy for me. After my mother’s death, we found that my eldest sister had blocks in her heart, which needed urgent attention. Her condition was so bad that several times the doctors thought she was gone. Then, one day, a top heart surgeon

from Chennai, Dr Sam Mathews, came to Mumbai, a specialist to whom film stars and politicians go, paying fees of twelve lakhs and more. We met him, and he operated on my sister free of charge. Her heart is fine now, but she is on dialysis thrice a week. We are grateful she is alive and able to work. She loves treating poor people from the slums.

After my ordination I was in charge of a school for mentally challenged children in Mumbai. Currently I am the Rector of our community in Palwal. I thank God for His Amazing Grace and awesome friendship. My mother told me, “Son, true friends are like diamonds, precious and rare; false friends are like autumn leaves found everywhere.” In Jesus I have found the Best and Truest of friends and a treasure so rare. I cannot thank God enough for that.

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Fr.Vincent Vas C.Ss.R

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