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PARENTING: TOUGH, BEAUTIFUL AND DEEPLY INFLUENTIAL

“One of the most demanding spiritual practices is to raise a child.” (Philosopher Sam Keen)

“Children learn more from what you ARE than from what you TEACH.” (W E B Dubois)

“Never complain about what your parents could not give you. It is probably all they had.” (Anonymous)

“Motherhood is a choice you make every day to put someone else’s happiness ahead of your own.”

“We never know the love of a parent until we become a parent ourselves.” (Henry Ward Beecher)

“In the English language, we have ‘orphans’ and ‘widows’; but we have no word for the parent who loses a child.” (Anonymous)

“The best feeling in the world is to know that your parents are smiling because of you.”

“Parents act so strong for us, that we forget how fragile they are.”

“There are two times when parenting is most difficult: When the baby first arrives at home, and when the adult first leaves home.” (Jennifer Quinn)

“Daily family prayer and Bible reading will build a security and a bonding that will prepare your family to face challenges today and always.” (Tom Perry)

“The best security blanket a child can have is parents who love and respect each other.” (Jane Blaustone)

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Warm words from Rome
Thank you very much for the e-copy of MAGNET.
I see it as ONE OF THE BEST MAGAZINES AROUND FOR A SPIRIT-FILLED AND MISSION-ORIENTED LIFE!
Compliments and best wishes from Rome!
Misihadas CS, Rome, Italy

Useful and insightful
Thank you very much for the magnet magazines of March and April. It carries very useful, insightful and beautiful articles for reflection.
God bless you all!
Sr Cecilia Sad VSDB, Shillong, Meghalaya

Challenges in Education
As someone who has been involved in education, at every level, for more than seventy years (being educated and educating!), the questions you posed, and the striking variety of responses you received, is a rich vein for further thought … and action. No doubt the educative context of India – with its religious and cultural uniqueness – creates challenges that others do not have. But we have our own version of them! What the reader finds in this MAGNET focus on education goes beyond Indian interests and concerns. What are we really doing?
Congratulations, and keep raising these critical questions … the responses show that you are all up to providing creative educative thought and action!
On another matter, Joe, I am not sure if I mentioned to you that I provide an online weekly podcast reflection on the Gospel reading for each Sunday of the year. There are a number of people in India who have found it. It is free, and can be obtained simply by going to salesians.org.au, and finding AUDIO DIVINA. One can sign in for regular reception (each Wednesday in Australia) on your own designated app, or just go to the above web site each week. Signing up helps, as it just appears in your app each week. You might like to let you readers know about it.
Keep up the good work.
Francis J. Moloney, SDB, AM, D. Phil. (Oxon), FAHA, Senior Professorial Fellow, University of Divinity, Melbourne, Australia

Failing to be a voice of transformation
The cover story “Education: A Splendid Mission of Service or a Failure?” published in the issue of June 2019 is an excellent write up addressing various spheres in education, in particular, Catholic education in India. It is timely, because of the recent release of the draft of National Education Policy (NEP) and the ripples that are creating throughout the country. Archbishop Menamparampil is very much right in saying “New thinking creates a new world.” And our education system should bring out that ‘new thinking’ by which one can courageously critique the society, social structures and traditions. Sr Marian Mathew was courageous enough to give a motherly care to the worst performers and convert them to best citizens. If we fail in addressing the basic issues, the educators remain mere performers. The latter two cover stories open our eyes to the reality of our Catholic education system: the mess it is creating and the uniqueness of it. Mess, due to the professionalism and competition it engages in giving up the uniqueness we have cherished over the years in term of values, morality and spirituality. To conclude, I pause a question here: Catholic Church in India, having 54,937 various kinds of educational institutions, over 26,96,850 educators and over  5,19,48,600 students reaping the benefits, how come we are failing in creating an ecosystem of constructive thinking and becoming a voice of transformation in the country?
Fr Raju Felix Crasta
Jnanadeepa Vidyapeeth, Pune

Legal Issues
The article by Fr Ravi Sagar SJ, which has been published in MAGNET on the topic, “Constitutional values: our heritage & way of life,” indeed requires a word of appreciation because it was really enriching. I expect again more and more valuable and thought- provoking articles from your pen.
Bro. Sherin Nediyakalayil CFIC

Great Job
Thanks for the June issue of Magnet. As usual, very well done. I appreciated the focus on education, and I must say that the quotes right in the beginning of the issue are alone “worth the price of the ticket” to the issue. I always enjoy the practical articles that you offer, and I found your article on giving feedback very clear and very useful. I would imagine that in this time of Indian elections, the article on Constitutional Values is an important one to read, as is the article on taxes. The layout continues to be tasteful and easy to access, and the photos make the magazine very contextual.
In sum, great job. Again! All the best!
Steve Bevans SVD, Professor, Catholic Theological Union, Chicago

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“We may say we are Franciscans or Carmelites or Salesians, but more truly we are products of our families.” This is something I repeatedly tell priests and religious in seminars. The participants, especially the older ones, nod in agreement.

If this is true for a group that receives many years of structured and well-thought-out formation, it is still truer for the rest of humankind. Our parents (and siblings) influence us the most, teach us the most, hurt or heal us the most.

Want proof? Look at what happens in counselling or psychotherapy.

I remember Raj (all names changed) looking depressed and unable to believe that anyone could love him. Reason: He had never experienced a father’s love.

Or Edwin, furiously angry with his father, who, he felt, had ruined his childhood and his family through uncontrolled drinking.

Or Tony, a brilliant professor of psychology, telling me that it was his mother who had built up his emotional security.

Or Jayaprakash, who attributes his success in business to his mother’s prayers and the sufferings she had undergone, thus meriting blessings for the whole family, he said.

In both our most beautiful experiences and in our deepest hurts, our families play a crucial role. Our parents have done more for us than we know; they have also hurt and disappointed us (for no human being can give another all that a person is thirsty for). Being a parent is one of the most demanding (and one of the most fulfilling) vocations in life. Its essence can be summarized in what a young mother told me once: “Having a child means that your own needs come last.”

We owe much (if not the most) to the two persons who put their own needs and wants last and raised us at greater cost than we will ever know.

In our turn, we—whether married or celibate—are called to be parents who build up, heal, inspire and challenge—persons our children can look up to (and pray to, after we are gone!).

This issue looks at the essentials of parenting, and the complex challenges this mission presents today. As always, we supplement theory with touching true stories. We learn best, after all, from how people live their lives, not what they say about it.

We dedicate this issue to these most influential, but largely unsung, heroes: Our parents. And we invite all of us—married couples and celibate “parents”—to look at what parenting means today.

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Fr Joe Mannath SDB

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When meeting old students, it is a pleasure to be told that everything they are today is due to what you have done for them in their school days. What they actually remember may be limited to your elocution classes and the slips you made, your good manners tips which you yourself violated in a moment of annoyance, or your strictness in discipline and the troubles you gave them. Forty years after events, these become central themes for thrilling narrations. Legends grow up over trifles, both positive and negative, and small bits of kindness you have shown assume Himalayan proportions. But what is touching to note is that they feel a sense of bondedness with you in spite of the smallness of your contribution and the flaws in your character. The affection you have shown them and the ideas you have shared remain a motivating force all the time.

The Real Difference

Your joy rises to another level when, independently of these idle tales, you hear that so-and-so is effective in whatever work he/she takes up, that he has a sense of mission in life, and that he exerts an influence for good in the neighbourhood. It rises further when you learn that he/she believes in certain principles, stands by some values and is extremely helpful to people in need. Your joy would be even more complete if, in addition to all this, he/she were to emerge as a ‘thought leader,’ influencing other intelligent persons positively in society.

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“The goal of education … is to form professionally competent, morally upright, socially conscious leaders …who will … make a difference in society…” I summarise thus the challenge of the editor who is setting forth the outlines he wishes discussed in this piece, which outlines he concludes with a comment of his own: “If we [Catholic teachers] lose our vision and sense of mission, education can simply become a business or a cult of routine and mediocrity that makes little difference to the students or to society.”

Too late!
Harshly, dear Editor: too late. This latter is largely what education has in fact become in most schools in our country, including Catholic institutions. I am tempted to offer supportive illustrations, but such are all too familiar to those in the field, and of little interest to (or too late for) others. Just a comment or two however to underline the dimensions of this negative observation:

The ‘big name’ schools in our country are almost all run by Christian institutions, are English medium, are largely patronized and equally demonized by the powerful in our country, are expensive, and turn out good young women and men who take their place in society as polite and comfortable nobodies. Their names are rarely if ever heard challenging situations that are harmful for India in one way or another. And among those names Christians are a tiny minority.

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Brother Brendan

Rather than discuss ideas and theories, Sr Marian shares with our readers some of the precious lessons she has learnt about education through experiences that touched her heart. These events also show why teaching has meant the world to her.

I have not done anything very big in my teaching and in the administration of schools as a principal. Yet I would do anything to continue to teach. Why? The following experiences will hopefully answer this question.

Heart-warming experiences, after all, touch us and change us far more deeply than beautiful theories. Allow me to go back to some such experiences which I was blessed to live as a teacher and as a principal.

“Thank you for teaching my wife!”

 One evening I received a phone call from someone whose voice or name I did not recognize.  I responded to it rather carefully.  “Are you Sister Marian?” a man’s voice asked me.    To my answering Yes, the person said he was Justin (all names in this article have been changed).  He continued, “I want to thank you for teaching my wife Julie.”  I could not recall who Julie was, since I had worked in schools for more than thirty years, either as a teacher or as the principal.   He said, “Sister, a few days ago, my wife and I had a quarrel.   I was so angry with her, that I closed the bedroom and left her outside. She too was upset and angry. An hour later, she knocked at my door. I did not open it. She continued to knock, but I refused to open the door. At last, determined to give her another piece of my angry mind, I opened the door.  As I did that, before  I could even open  my mouth, she said, ‘Justin, I am sorry  for making  you angry,  and I want to apologize for that. Even if you do not want me to enter the room, it is OK , for I cannot rest  till I do that. Sr. Marian’s words are ringing in my mind, ‘Do not go to sleep till you settle your squabbles.’

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Sr Marian Mathew PBVM

Background

I have been associated with Catholic educational institutions all my life—both as a student and as a teacher. I stepped into a convent school at the age of three. I am fifty-two now. I am the Head of the Department of English in a First Grade College run by Sisters where only young women study. All my life I have been surrounded by Catholic values, vision, mission, motto and the like and I think I am fairly well-equipped to write on this topic. But I also know I have to distance myself a bit if I am to write anything at all.

I am me because of what I received in St Joseph’s Nursery School run by the Canossian Sisters, St Joseph’s Lower, Upper, Middle, Higher & Secondary Schools again run by the same team, St Joseph’s College and St Berchman’s College (where I did my UG & PG) and, of course, Bishop Kurialacherry College, Amalagiri, that made a teacher out of me—all of them beautifully, convincingly and unwaveringly Christian/Catholic institutions then and now. (This is what I meant. The Lucasian dilemma!).

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Prof. Rekha Mathews

Marcel Ekka, an experienced educationalist who worked in government schools and held high posts in the educational sector, and a member of the parish next to CRI House, New Delhi, shares some of his experiences and insights with us. Sr Celine Vas, our Associate Editor, interviewed him for MAGNET.

Magnet:  I am told that you are an excellent educationist and an able administrator. How did you get into this line?

Mr Marcel:  I began my teaching career in St Margret Senior Secondary School, a private school run by a Punjabi Sardar. My head and hands were full and busy with the school work. After passing TGT (Delhi government examinations), when  I was appointed as a teacher in a high school, I cried. There was no work at all! No one was interested in teaching. I was also not allowed to work. I complained to the Principal. He gave me some administration work.  I felt I was dragging along rather than live my life.

With my discontent at teaching, I also wrote an examination for Central School organisation. The results appeared in 1992. Thousands of teachers appeared for the interview for a principal’s post. The interviews alone took more than a month.  When the final results were declared, fifty of us were chosen. Out of the reserved category, fifteen posts were included. My name appeared on top of the list. I grabbed the opportunity and was posted in the government senior secondary school at Bhagalpur. It had two shifts—the morning shift for the girl students and the afternoon one  for the boys. The boys alone numbered 3000.

Magnet:  That is a big number. How did you manage the school?

Mr Marcel:   As a principal, I insisted on the presence of the teachers from 8 am until 6 pm. For some time the teachers tolerated my discipline, but a few among them were angry. One evening, four drunken male teachers entered my office. One of them said, “Hereafter we will come late in the morning and go early in the evening.” I replied, “Yes.” Next they said, “We will not teach.” I said, “Yes.”. After that they did not know how to fight with me. So, they asked me, “Join us for  a party.” I agreed. They asked me to have some alcoholic drinks with them.  I told them, “I don’t take hot drinks.” So they got some soft drinks for me. They had hot drinks, and then left my office.

Magnet:  It must have been a frustrating situation for you.. How did you solve it?

Mr Marcel:  I was tense.  Next day I went to the Director of education and explained the situation. Since the locality had a bad reputation, the education office sent an order transferring the four teachers. On getting the order, one of the four died of shock the next day. The other three left the school.

Magnet:  What happened next?

Mr Marcel:  Somehow the school was getting a good name and teachers were committed to their teaching.

I remember an interesting case. There was a boy in the school called Bhagat (name changed). He was in the 6^th class and had failed four times. Everyone was scared of him. He was well-built and used to beat up other boys and extract money from them.

One day, some teachers brought Bhagat to my office. I recovered thirteen knives from him! I beat him. He said sorry and went home. I knew for sure that his father would come to the school with some goons. So, after class, I went to his house with some teachers. His father was very happy to meet me. I called Bhagat, and narrated the whole incident to his father, and also told him that I had beat him. On hearing this, Bhagat’s older brother came in, and gave him a thorough thrashing. After this, Bhagat behaved well in school.

He had his own gang through whom he controlled a piece of land adjacent to the school. He had let some three hundred slum families live there, and he collected money from them. I wanted that land for the school. I asked Bhagat to help me to get it, he replied, “Sir, I will do it for you, but you also have to do me a favour.” I asked him what the favour was. What he asked for was a pass certificate in the eighth standard.  I took me three years to help him move from the 6^th to the 8^th class. As soon as he got his certificate, he got the land vacated. I met him again a few years ago. He is a policeman now.

Magnet:  Any insight you like to share with Catholic principals and managers?

Mr Marcel: While I was the Principal at Malavia Nagar Senior Secondary School, I had additional charges as District Educational Officer. I had to supervise three district zones. I was one of the five additional directors of the Delhi Selection Subordinate Board.

As an additional Director I have visited many schools and met many principals. One thing I would like to tell priests and religious who are principals is this: Some of the priests and religious think they are great and doing a wonderful job. This is not always the case. I have met several teachers in their schools who have better expertise in teaching as well as better administrative skills. Often these principals do not deserve to be in such a position, and yet they display an air of authority.  I would like to add that priests and nuns need to be just to others.

I was also honoured with the director’s position at State Council of Educational Research Training (SCERT), which has the following schools under it:

Government run schools	1,024	Aided schools	207
Private schools	1,706	Municipal Corporation Delhi, schools	1,682
New Delhi Municipal Council schools	46	Delhi Cantonment schools	06
Kendriya Vidyalaya	45	Jawaharlal Navodaya schools	02
Jamia Millia Islamia	08

I am retired now, but my previous record has kept me close to Mr Manish Sisodia, the education minister of Delhi Government. Mr Sisodia has this vision: To make the students morally, socially and academically responsible citizens of the society. The means taken for this are: (1) The Happiness curriculum introduced into every school in 2018; (2) A vocational Certificate: When a student completes the 12^th standard, he /she not only has a pass certificate, but also a vocational course certificate.

Magnet:  Mr Marcel, could tell us a little about the happiness curriculum?

Mr Marcel: Yes. We find that many children are unhappy in school. Most of them don’t like writing and reading. They fail. They love to eat instant food. A few of them are very problematic. At home parents find it hard to control the students. Teachers are also in the same situation, and they are sacred to correct the students. In this situation, we ask the teachers to be kind and smiling when a child enters the class room. They are welcomed lovingly to the school. They are not burdened with books and home work. Infrastructure is created even to keep their books in the schools.

Here is a case. Ram (name changed) was a seven-year-old primary school student from a well-to-do family. He was very grumpy, angry, selfish and not relating to his companions. The teachers showed him love and acceptance, and taught him gradually to be concerned about others. Ram’s parents soon noticed the behavioural change in the boy. On reaching home, he started asking his mother, “Mummy, how are you? Did you have your meal?” This was quite different from his earlier behaviour. Most of the students showed an improvement in their behaviour, and with this, the strength of the school increased too. For, a happy child learns better and faster.

Magnet: The media seldom highlights the contribution of the Delhi government to education. Can you throw some light on this point?

Mr Marcel: The day after the CBSE announced the results of Class 12 in which 94.24 percent students of Delhi’s government schools passed the exams, Delhi Education Minister Manish Sisodia said the results were the best in the past 21 years. Addressing the media on 3 May, he said that 203 Delhi government schools had 100 percent pass percentage. This is a huge achievement as most of the children coming to government schools were the first generation learners. The results of class 12 prove the hard work put in by Mr Sisodia and Kejriwal’s government.

Magnet:  What is the most touching experience in your life as a teacher?

Mr Marcel:  What touched me most was this experience.

I found some teachers getting into depression when they were transferred or given subjects not of their taste. When I was additional director of education,  I would spend time in counselling. I did the same for the parents of the students. I remember a parent losing his young son due to illness.  He was completely crushed when he came to tell me about his son’s death. I listened and listened for a long time. He was grateful but he had much more grief to pour out. So I called him home. He is my regular visitor and has become a family friend. We chat a lot and he is a happy man now. I appreciate my wife for treating anyone who visits my home as our family friend.

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Sr Celine Vas

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The simple story of a village woman with no schooling and no money, who knew how to care for her step-daughters and the others around her, with a cheerful smile and no complaints. There will be many thousands of such strong and loving women all around us.

I first met Padmavathi at the national office of Xavier Board of Higher Education in India (XB) a couple of years ago. A simple, hardworking woman, she served me tea and disappeared into her one-room dwelling in the XB office complex. Several months later I met her again and had the opportunity to interview her and her husband and son.

Padma, as she is fondly called, hails from Andhra Pradesh. She was married at the age of eighteen to a widower called Krishna Reddy, who had two daughters from his first marriage. His marriage to Padma ensured that she would bring up the little girls Soujenya and Yasoda, who were then five and two years old. Being young herself, it was a daunting task for Padma to bring up the two girls. Even after the birth of her son, Amar, she made sure that the three children grew up together without any differences, loving and caring towards each other.

After Soujenya’s marriage, the rest of the family moved to Bangalore at the request of Sr. Marietta Pudota, the then Secretary of XB. While Krishna Reddy worked in the office doing both outdoor and indoor jobs, Padma was the domestic help, taking care of cleaning the office cum residence, washing and cooking, the proverbial homemaker who has rustled up fantastic food for the Xavier Board residents and her family for the last sixteen years.

Like many other women in her situation, Padma is gifted, kind-hearted and compassionate. She has learnt the various tasks assigned to her—setting the table for a meal with cutlery and crockery, executing her jobs with the dexterity of a professional. Over the years she has learnt to use gadgets and instruments by either watching the TV or others.  I asked her where she had learned to make the Kerala style ‘Appam’ and pat came the reply, “Sr. Theresa Cherian.” Her culinary skills are excellent, with no recipe books, just memory, executed with the finesse of a chef! Fresh, traditionally hand-pounded ingredients for the masalas, brought together in a gentle, slow cooking process, tickle the taste buds. At the end of the meal she loves to hear the words chala bagundi (“Very good”)!

With no schooling to speak of, Padma learnt all that she knows using her native intelligence and observing people or watching TV.

Although she converses only in Telugu irrespective of the language of the speaker, she is adept at making use of a smattering of English words at the right time and place, all of which has the suffix hu.

Padma has been the backbone of her family, and faced the ups and downs of life with strength of mind and determination. When Yashoda got married against her parents’ wishes, Padma ensured that she was not estranged from the family, and continues to maintain an extremely cordial relationship with her daughter and son-in-law, and loves her two grandchildren.  She made sure that Amar had a good education and completed his degree. Today, he works for an IT firm in Bangalore and supports his parents.

Both Krishna Reddy and Padma always dreamed of owning a house in their native village. With some help from their son, they have made this dream come true. She was so very excited when they finally had the house warming ceremony last year. She is proud of the family’s achievements and is looking forward to going back to the village and spending the rest of her life with her mother-in-law, who is ninety-five years old, her three sisters, brother and extended family. She is also keen on saving some money to buy herself some gold jewelry, which she hopes will be her surety for the future. This, too, as we know, is typical of Indian women.

Many families are held together in harmony, with the children growing up with emotional security and much joy, not through sophisticated theories picked up from books, but by the wisdom, inner strength and hard work of wives and mothers like Padma.

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Ordetta Mendoza

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Much joy, low income, united family

Bhim is a contented man. He is vegetable vendor near CRI House, New Delhi. He looks after a family of seven—parents, wife, three children.

I ask him what makes him happy.  With seven members in the family, Bhim is a happy contented man. After all, he is a vegetable vendor, and it must be tough looking after a large family on a very limited income. His daily earnings come to about Rs 400.

Two of his children are studying in Dev Samaj School, New Delhi (near CRI House). Their annual fees come to Rs 30,000. Bhim feels it is worth spending this money, since they get a good education, and also have a free meal daily in the school. The youngest child is studying in the government school nearby, where everything is free, including books and meals. “I spend Rs 5000 for the books and to buy stationery for my children.”

“Do you own a house,” I ask him.

“Yes,” he says happily. “I am lucky to have my own house, for my parents and wife and children.”

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Sr Celine Vas BS