Self-Acceptance

by criadmin on July 7, 2017 add comment 1267 views

“Acceptance of oneself is …the acid test of one’s whole outlook on life.” (C.G. Jung)

Dolores was very upset. “I don’t like myself. Actually, I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate the person I have become. I get angry so often. I shout and scream at people. I don’t succeed in what I undertake, and get blamed so often,” she said with anger and disgust.

It’s hard to accept oneself, and more so to love oneself, when we are confronted with so many of our frailties and weakness. Yet, self-acceptance, as the great psychologist Carl Jung points out, is not only an essential requisite for emotional wellbeing, but colours our way of being in the world.

In the last few issues of MAGNET we have been exploring in this column sources of health and happiness. We looked at psychological theories and some essential experiences we need to grow up healthy and happy. We also looked at the impact these experiences have on our spirituality.

Starting this month, we shall look at some characteristics of an emotionally healthy person.

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A foundational requisite for emotional health is self-acceptance.

If we want to be emotionally healthy persons, we need to accept the whole of ourselves without rejecting any aspect: body, gender, mind, limitations and weakness, strengths and talents, and our personal and family histories.

When we accept ourselves as we are, we are genuinely able to say with the psalmist, “thank you for the wonder of my being” (Ps. 139, 14). Unfortunately, many of us cannot honestly say that, because we really don’t like who we are.

Self-acceptance is based on genuine knowledge of self, grounded in realistic appraisal of our resources and limitations. This involves critical receptivity to what others are saying about us. Based on that knowledge, we have genuine appreciation for our own worth, and we do not engage in irrational self-reproach. When we accept ourselves and are pleased with who we are, then we do not feel the need to boast of our accomplishments or to inflate them.

We are willing to admit our faults and failures without embarrassment, rather than try to cover up or deny them. We are willing to accept corrections.

When we accept ourselves this way, others too will find it easy to accept us and relate to us, since we do not feel any compulsion to hide or defend our mistakes, or to boast of our talents or achievements

A corollary to this self-acceptance and self-appreciation is the ability to allow others the right to be themselves. We are able to accept others as they are with their foibles and limitations. We do not impose our own views, expectations or needs on others. Neither do we feel the need to put others down or downplay their achievements.

When we accept ourselves as we are, we can easily appreciate others. We are not threatened by the beauty, giftedness or achievements of others; rather we are able to rejoice with them and speak appreciatively about them to others.

Father Andrew is a wonderful model of this kind of self-acceptance. He was himself a brilliant professor, much loved and appreciated by his students. After many years of teaching he was joined in his department by a young priest, Fr. Edwin, as teacher. Fr. Andrew recognized that Edwin was really a brilliant teacher. Andrew did not feel insecure and threatened by the gifted new comer. Rather, he would often tell his students, “Our new young professor is terrific. He is so competent in his subject and really knows how to teach. You are really going to benefit much from him.”

A true sign of self-acceptance is not feeling threatened or developing an inferiority complex in the presence of those better than us. Instead, we are able to appreciate them and rejoice with them.

Self-Rejection

Self-rejection, on the contrary, shows itself in the following unhealthy forms of behaviour: chronic self-disapproval and self-disparagement; feelings of being unworthy; excessive guilt; pretending to be who/what we are not, going out of the way to boast or impress others; feeling others are against us, view us unfairly, or don’t understand us.

When we do not feel good about ourselves, when we lack self-esteem, we may try to over-control our environment. We become overcautious about making mistakes. We feel the need to do everything right and perfect. This can lead to a disorder called Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.

Lack of self-acceptance often results in scrupulosity. Because of the fear of rejection by others and especially by God, we aim at becoming perfect by striving to avoid even the least wrong doing. Since we reject ourselves because of our short comings, we tend to believe that others and God also will reject us if we are not “perfect.” Perfectionism deafens us to the good news that a loving God unconditionally accepts and loves us just as we are, that we don’t need to earn God’s love.

Challenging Situations

Self-acceptance becomes a special challenge for women because of the relentless media pressure to conform to a perfect body shape and appearance offered as ideal. These images tend to confirm self-doubts about the goodness of one’s own body, leading to a feeling of not being “good enough” and frenetic efforts to change one’s figure and looks to match the ideal. When one fails in the attempt, one tends to live with a sense of deficiency.

Some of us have deformities or blemishes that affect our self-image and our capacity to function effectively or relate well. Remedial measures such as corrective surgery here is wholesome. However, often expensive cosmetic and surgical interventions are purely to allay our feelings of inadequacy and fears of non-acceptance by others, or simply to conform to ideal images of beauty, even when we are endowed with sufficient grace and beauty.

These expensive non-surgical cosmetic procedures (I am not referring here to efforts all of us make to look good, such as proper grooming, make-up and dressing attractively) are just what the name implies – cosmetic! The effects usually last less than a year and then all the self-doubts and fears about attractiveness and acceptance return to haunt us. The surgical procedures on the other hand, doctors tell us, often have their negative effects. It is good to remember here that attractiveness and acceptance depend on more than just physical appearance.

Acceptance of oneself, particularly of one’s body, becomes difficult especially in cases of sexual abuse. Abuse survivors often feel that their body is now “good for nothing” or “damaged goods’ and develop a very negative attitude toward it. The other consequences of abuse also make it difficult for survivors to accept not only their body but also the person they have become as consequence of the abuse. Healing from the effects of sexual abuse is essential to restore sense of goodness and worthiness of one’ self.

The power of Self-Acceptance

The power of self-acceptance is demonstrated by the wonderful accomplishments of physically challenged athletes and artists. These men and women have disabilities that profoundly affect their mobility and other capacities. However, they are able to accept their limitations and triumph over them and go on to win laurels.

Emotionally healthy persons are able to accept themselves as they are, with their deficiencies and their limitations. This acceptance is not resignation. One accepts, but also strives to overcome the limitations wherever possible.

Introspection