Overcoming Fear

by criadmin on June 7, 2017 add comment 1018 views

Fear is probably the emotion we experience most frequently. The good news is: It is easier to overcome than you may think. Here’s how.

Basic Truths

1. Fear is a very common emotion. All of us experience it. Some are afraid of pain or illness, others of financial loss, while many fear appearing in public. Most people fear death. Some are frightened of the dark, others of animals or heights. The list is long.

2. Good news: Most fears can be overcome. You were not born shy or frightened. If you are afraid of something, you learnt it along the way. If so, you can “unlearn.” Fears are neither natural nor inevitable (except fear of falling and fear of loud noise—which are given for our protection.). No one is “naturally” shy or scared.

3. Some of the men and women whom the world admires for their extraordinary courage started out as insecure, frightened individuals. The young Mohandas Gandhi, for instance, was very shy. He would later be known as a man of extraordinary courage.

Three Aspects of Fear

Fear has three tiers or elements: a bodily element, an emotional element, and a thought or fantasy element.

We start with the bodily element. When we are scared and nervous, we experience it in our body. Suppose I am nervous when asked to give a speech before a large gathering. I experience one or more of these bodily reactions: shivering, sweating, loss of voice, palpitations, cold hands, cold feet, headaches, digestive troubles, stiffness, giddiness, … No one experiences all these symptoms at once. Each of us suffers from a few of these bodily reactions when we are frightened. Please write down the three or four BODILY REACTIONS that you experience when you are frightened and nervous.

We cannot take away these bodily reactions by willing it. It is useless to tell a nervous person, “Don’t be nervous!”. A person cannot switch off nervousness by simply willing it. The physical discomfort of nervousness is the result of something else. It is caused by an emotion.

What is the emotion behind my nervousness? Evidently, it is fear.

The solution does not lie at this stage as well. We cannot remove a fear by simply wanting it. So, it is futile to tell a frightened person, “Don’t be afraid!” (S/he will only think: “It is easy for you to say that! I wish I could get rid of my fear.”).

The real villain of the piece lies somewhere else: in our thought or fantasy. This is what causes my fear. It is here that I will find the solution to my fear, although I imagine that the external event or situation is causing it. People feel so relieved and hopeful when they discover that the remedy for fear lies within themselves, and that they can become free of fear by changing the way they think and take decisions. How do we do it?

The Case of Anand

Take the example of Anand, a student who has been asked to give the vote of thanks on school day. As soon as Anand hears this, he gets jittery. He finds he is so nervous he cannot eat or sleep. He is sure he is going to make a fool of himself. He tells himself that the huge audience will make him a nervous wreck. He starts thinking of ways to get the principal to ask another student to give that speech. “I can’t face such a large audience,” he thinks. “I will be a wreck; they will be laughing at me the rest of the year.”

If I am the principal, and I agree with Anand, and, out of false compassion, “let him off the hook,” he may feel relieved, but I am doing him enormous harm. I am agreeing with his assessment that he cannot face an audience.

Instead, I can ask him: “What is it you are afraid of? What is going through your mind? Shall we talk about it?”

This talk brings us to the real villain of the piece, namely, our own thought or fantasy. As we look into it, we come across this fascinating simple truth: Behind most of our fears, there lurks an inner conversation, with these three elements: I-They-I. Each of us thinks that our fears are special. Not so! In our fears (as in most of our deepest feelings) we are more alike than different, and in this lies our hope.

What is Anand’s inner conversation? What self-talk is he doing? It goes something like this:

I will make mistakes.

They will laugh at me (or think less of me).

I cannot face that.

This I-They-I self-talk is behind most cases of nervousness and fear.

I am not talking about rational or realistic fears, e.g., when an armed man is chasing you, or a car is coming at you at high speed. In these cases, fear gives us wings, and is a providential tool of self-preservation. So, too, “I am afraid that, if I carry on smoking, I may get cancer” is realistic self-assessment. It is a fear worth listening to.

Anand’s day of liberation will come when he realizes that the audience is doing nothing to harm him; that he is frightening himself with his self-talk.

The Way Out

Anand is not helpless. There is much he can do for himself. My task is to help him see it. I can help him look at his inner conversation. We have done this in counseling sessions, and the outcome is dramatic.

Coming to his three I-They-I beliefs:

“I am afraid I will make mistakes”: Yes, he may. In life, we have only two options: (a) Do what I can, as well as I can, knowing that it will never be perfect; (b) Avoid doing things (e.g., meeting new people or speaking in public) for fear of making mistakes.

We do not have a third option, namely, to do something perfectly, without any flaw.

(This idea needs to be drilled in. We may want to wait until we are sure we can do something perfectly, without mistakes. This is a stage no human being will reach. If we wait for that, we will waste our whole life waiting!)

If Anand were to cancel his speech, he would be making the biggest mistake of all—that of doing nothing for fear of making mistakes.

Anand can accept to give the speech, get help in preparing it, and accept the fact that it will not be the best possible speech in the world. An excessive fear of making mistakes makes us unnecessarily nervous, and saps our energy. A slight anxiety (which most of us experience) energizes us to do better. I witnessed a beautiful illustration of this truth in a training session for counsellors.

Helen, a counselor-trainee, had to coach a group of us for a role play. Dr. Bhavani, a trainer, was present to evaluate her performance. Before the session began, Bhavani asked Helen: “Helen, how do you feel?” “Nervous.” “What is the nervousness?” “I am afraid.” “What is the fear, Helen?” “I am afraid I will make mistakes.”

At this point, this wise and experienced counselor told Helen one of the most helpful comments I have ever heard. Bhavani told her: “Helen, when I did this the first time, I made several mistakes. Will you promise me to make at least two mistakes this morning?”

Helen laughed. Bhavani insisted. Helen’s face relaxed, and she replied: “Yes, I promise.” “How do you feel now, Helen?” “I am fine.” She went on to conduct a great session.

This is the first self-help we can practise: Tell yourself it is OK to be imperfect. We must do what we can to prepare for the task, and then decide to enjoy the good outcome, rather than focus on the possible mistakes.

The other two bits of self-talk are easier to tackle.

“They are going to laugh at me.” Are they? The fact is: Most people are thinking about themselves (as you are doing, when you get scared); they are not thinking about you. They are not keen either on pulling you down or pushing you up. If what you say is useful to them, they will listen; or else, they will switch off. You may make new friends through your speech.

As for “I cannot face it,” well, you can. You have much more strength than you think.

You may be telling yourself that you cannot face them. If you tell yourself this deadly message a number of times, you will end up believing it. May be others treated you as if you could not do certain things. Perhaps they frightened you with horror stories when you were too small to think for yourself. What was learnt, can be unlearnt.

In fact, one of the best things people who love us can do for us, is to encourage us to face the new and the unknown, rather than run away. Overprotection makes cowards out of us. When you are thrown into an unfamiliar situation, instead of thinking, “Oh, my gosh! I can’t face it!”, see it as the best thing that could happen to you.

Anne, an assistant principal, was dead scared of speaking in public. One day, the principal was called away suddenly just before the morning assembly. She turned to Anne and said: “Please address the assembly.”

Anne told me later: “I thought I would die. I would have given anything to escape this situation, but there was no way. Thank God the book stand hid my trembling knees. Somehow, I got through that frightful experience. Looking back, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. The first few experiences were hard, but now I am relaxed before an audience.”

Steps to Take:

We must take concrete steps to tackle fear when we feel it.

Decide to do rather than withdraw. Withdrawing from what frightens you may seem a nice escape, but each such escape will increase your fear.
Ask yourself: What is my fear? What are my thoughts and fantasies about this? How am I frightening myself? See, and reject, your irrational “I-They-I” conversation.
Do your part, e.g., prepare the speech, getting the help you need to correct the text and pronunciation and rehearse the talk a few times.
Get honest feedback from caring people. They will tell you what you are doing well and what you need to change. With each initiative, your fear will diminish and your confidence will increase. The appreciation you get will make you want to do what you once feared.
Pray. Remember that there is no problem God cannot solve. He is closer to you than you think. Take His loving hand, and go ahead.
Love, even in small doses, is healing. Love chases away fear. Take time to savour the love and kindness that come your way. As children, being held by a loving adult gave us courage. When afraid, think of someone who loves you. Above all, remember the Lord, who loves you beyond measure and holds you in His heart.