LIFE IS FUNNY. Just when you think things are going well, something happens that turns your world upside down. And just when you are in the midst of those situations others think of as tragic, you are suddenly overcome with a deep sense of peace and contentment. How in the world does that happen? The short answer is God. Even though God is always with us, loving us and supporting us, we are often most aware of Him when we seek Him out because we feel vulnerable.
That has certainly been true in my life. Raised by a devout mother and hard-working father, my childhood was idyllic. Our small family had more love than money, but all my early memories were of simple pleasures and security. I was brought up to abide by all the rules of the faith, which was reinforced by the nuns at our school. However, once I left home to attend a public university, I experienced a whole new world. What freedom! Without the supervision of my parents, I started down a path that included exposure to non-believers, parties, and overindulgence in eating, drinking and smoking. Because studying was such a low priority, during my first semester I failed a course. I decided to try out the scriptural promise, “Ask and you shall receive.” and prayed to God to somehow change my grade. When nothing happened, I stupidly concluded that God either did not exist or that He didn’t care about my problems.
Living for Pleasure
That was the beginning of a fifteen year period of living for the pleasure of the moment, focusing all my attention on what made me happy. Inevitably, the pleasure of the moment would turn into disappointment and loneliness. Even after I married and had children, I realized how difficult it was to maintain a level of happiness that satisfied me. That was soon to come to an end, but I had no idea how drastically my life would be turned upside down, or should I say, right side up.
Because we were experiencing dissatisfaction with our marriage, my husband and I decided to attend a Marriage Encounter retreat. On that weekend, I heard stories from the presenting couples about their relationship with God, and how He had helped them in their marriage. This made me curious. I wondered, had I been wrong about God?
God, however, outsmarted me. A friend gave me a book which I thought was fiction but turned out to be about the apparitions of our Blessed Mother in Medjugorje. As I read the description of how the children were given messages, I grew increasingly agitated. Was this true? Why had I not heard about this from the newspaper? In the book, I read that the scientists who had conducted studies on the children while they were in ecstasy had been unable to refute the miraculous nature of the apparitions. I started to wonder: if the children were not lying, then maybe God really did exist.
The Most Powerful Experience of My Life
Finishing the book, I walked upstairs into my bedroom and decided once again to fall back on the Scripture promise “Ask and you shall receive”, but this time for an entirely different purpose. I simply asked God to let me know if He existed, and if He did, if He loved me.
What happened next was my own personal miracle, an event that has changed my life and still gives me goose-bumps remembering it twenty-five years later. I felt as though I were standing under a waterfall, being flooded with love and peace and grace. In an instant, I KNEW that God did indeed exist, and that He loved me immensely. It was the single most powerful experience of my life, and it could not be ignored or brushed aside as coming from my imagination. I felt the fullness of God pouring over me, and knew then that God had loved me all along, even when I had rejected Him.
From that day forward, I had all the zeal of a new convert, fasting twice a week, donating half of my clothes to a local charity, attending daily mass, signing up for Bible Study, etc, etc. Tears poured from my eyes for weeks, a phenomenon I later learned is called “the gift of tears”. The tears were not ones of happiness or sadness; rather, I felt overwhelmed with the new reality… God was real! I literally was seeing everything in the world in a whole new light. My family, while at first amused, began to understand that what had happened was indeed from God.
After my miraculous conversion, I asked God to let me show Him how thankful I was for the gift of faith, promising that I would do anything for love of Him. About a week later, my husband and I received a call from the Marriage Encounter presenters, asking us to join them and share our story on retreats. They explained that they should have asked us a year before. I laughingly explained to them that if we had been asked at that time, I would have had to say no because I didn’t even believe in God! God’s timing, as always, was perfect.
Over the last twenty-five years, my husband and I have been blessed to minister to engaged and married couples. As anyone who does ministry work knows, we receive more joy from our time ministering to others that we are able to give. Together we have also facilitated faith-sharing groups, catechized young adults, traveled the country in support of a lay apostolate and served our parish in various capacities. Throughout the years, we have attempted to grow in our faith through prayer and formal study. There have been times of joy and times of sorrow, and through both we have learned to praise and thank God for His presence in our lives.
Cancer, Chemo and Surgery
Many might think that the challenges we face in life make it difficult to believe in a loving God. I have found the opposite to be true. A year ago, I was diagnosed with cancer, which, because it was aggressive, required surgery, chemotherapy and radiation treatments. Once the news spread around the parish, a woman I barely knew came up to me, gave me a warm hug and whispered into my ear, “Prepare yourself for the blessings!”
Incredibly, from that time forward I felt an inner peace beyond anything I could have anticipated. I look back now to pictures of me sitting in a chair in the hospital, hooked up to intravenous lines, bald from the chemo, and laughing. I never asked “Why me, Lord?” Throughout every aspect of the treatment, I felt a firm confidence that this was all part of God’s plan for me.
I know that God’s ways are not my ways, and what I see as the best outcome often does not come to pass in spite of fervent prayers. Any one of us who expects a smooth sailing through life is inevitably disappointed at one time or another. I read somewhere that the cross is the intersection of God’s will with my will. My will is ALWAYS to avoid suffering. And yet…… my suffering, however small and short-lived compared to what others experience, has brought me even closer to God, closer to my family and friends, and so much more grateful for life’s many blessings.
I look forward to what is ahead, whether that is a long life on earth or a reunion with my loved ones in heaven. I trust that God knows what is best for me, and when He thinks I’m done learning the lessons I’ll need to enjoy eternity. Hmmm, maybe my last request should be to get put on the express elevator to heaven rather than the stairs. I’ll have to ask!
“Prepare yourself for the blessings!”
– Crystal Sullivan, wife, mother of two and grandma of three, and her husband Kevin are active in the marriage ministry in Chicago and other parts of the US. Among her other ministries are retreats for prisoners. She has a Master’s in Pastoral Theology, and is known for her warmth, friendliness and joyful spirit—Editor.
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