Reflecting on their thirty-three years of marriage, Kevin sees the inadequacy of youthful romance and of other worldly views of this way of life. While “marriage as sacrament” is certainly very meaningful, the real beauty of it is seen when couples live it as a vocation and a mission.
For over twenty-five years Crystal and I have been trying to live out God’s plan for our married life. That’s the good news. The not so good news is that we have been married for thirty-three years!
In the first years of our marriage Crystal and I were living what most would consider a successful life. We had two beautiful and healthy children, a comfortable house with two cars in the garage and enough extra money to enjoy at least one extended vacation a year. By the world’s standards we had everything one could hope for in a marriage. Why was it that we, two faithful Catholics, found ourselves struggling to be joyful and loving with one another? What we came to discover on a Marriage Encounter retreat back in 1991 was that our relationship had developed much like so many others had in our country, drifting from feelings of love into marriage because it seemed the next right step.
Romantic Love Not Enough
Often, feelings of love and romance convince couples that they are meant to be together for life, only to find out a few years down the road that these romantic feelings are not strong enough to overcome a lack of true understanding of what it takes to give life to one another for the long haul. We found ourselves to be much like so many of the couples whom we currently meet when we facilitate their marriage preparation. Even when these young couples have good role models, they come to us with no real conscious recognition of what it takes to live a committed married life. It comes as no surprise that more than half of these relationships fail. Relationships we fall into are much more likely to turn out differently, perhaps even badly, than those we choose to enter into with our eyes wide open.
It was on that retreat weekend in 1991 that Crystal and I committed to stop living our married life according to the world’s plan for our lives. We decided to put aside the notions we might have grown up with concerning what marriage was supposed to be. Instead, we chose to be married according to God’s plan for us. It has been a very rewarding journey full of new discoveries and insights into not only what God has in store for us, but also for what He requires of each of us. As we began to work together in marriage ministry, we grew in our appreciation for the difference that seeing marriage as a sacrament—as opposed to a mere living arrangement—could make. Over time, understanding that our lives together could be a source of grace and strength not only for us and our family but also for others was satisfying and rewarding. The more we came to appreciate the difference our sacramental life could make, the more we understood how blessed we were.
Marriage as Sacrament: A Blessing
So, clearly, marriage as a sacrament is a good thing. So much better than the “contractual” 50/50 relationship the world asks us to shoot for or even the “covenant” relationship evangelical Christians teach. Yet, no matter how good living as a sacrament was, it somehow didn’t make it that much easier to live out on a day to day basis. Don’t get me wrong, it was more comforting knowing that I wanted to do what God wanted me to do, but the demands of long hours away from home and a successful career often left me stressed and anxious. Crystal was doing a magnificent job of raising our two children and providing for a warm and welcoming household. Why wasn’t I at peace then? As I look back on those years I have come to understand that, while Crystal embraced her role as wife and mother, I still clung to my role as provider of the family. It wasn’t until a few years ago, as we were working on a new retreat format for couples, that I came to appreciate that marriage was not only a sacrament; it should also be treated as a vocation—a life’s work.
Seeing married life as a vocation has become a powerful distinction for me to try to comprehend. It pretty much changes everything. Perhaps, most significantly, vocation requires a conscious choice—a choice which, because I failed to consciously make it, I lived for too long as a career person who just happened to be married with two children. Family was a distraction from my real life’s work of being a successful business professional. Choosing a vocation requires inquiry and knowledge of the choices available.
Foolish Assumptions about Marriage
Unfortunately for me and for too many others, we form our assumptions early in life about what our state in life is to be. We don’t question our assumptions, we don’t explore other options and we further assume that we don’t really need to learn anything before taking on the role of being a spouse. However, I have now come to better appreciate how looking at life through the ‘vocation lens’ can be truly instructive. For example, early in life I chose to be a lawyer. I knew a few lawyers in my hometown. I had seen several on television over the years. Obviously, that ‘experience’ of lawyers didn’t equip me to be one. Likewise, in order to be a doctor, priest, religious sister or a spouse requires more than the vicarious experience of others. It requires that we acquire the knowledge, skills and abilities needed before we can expect to adequately serve others in our chosen vocation. It is truly unfortunate that Catholic couples are not adequately alerted to this reality during their preparation for the sacrament of marriage. If, before they exchange their wedding vows, couples were required to have even a small measure of the education and training that priests and religious receive, they would be far better equipped to live out their married vocation.
As I have come to contemplate the power and beauty of vocations in our Catholic Church, I have reached a much deeper appreciation of the gift of our priests and religious. As difficult as it can be to live in marriage and try to bring Christ to a wife and family, I can only imagine the challenges of bringing Christ into our entire Church community. I have come to understand that, while living out a vocation can be tremendously rewarding, there can also be periods where it may seem tedious, mundane or thankless. For me and for all Catholic Christians, it is at these times when the added dimension of the mission we have been given can provide a little inspiration. I need to recall that my vocation is not only in service to the people I meet, but also that it is work done to advance the mission given to us by Christ when we were commanded by Him “to go forth and make disciples of all nations.”
These days Crystal and I are living in a little bit of chaos, as we share our home with our daughter and her three young children. Even as I grow weary of the noise, commotion and clutter, I know that I am being graced with the opportunity to live out my vocation as husband, father and grandfather. I am reminded of this each time we gather at the dinner table and share how He has blessed each one of us that day. While the world would tell us that as a retired couple we should be enjoying an escape from the cold of our northern climate, I can feel confident knowing that we are right where our vocation calls us to be at this time.
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