Tough, rare and essential, deep listening does wonders for a good marriage.
For years, Kevin and I have participated in a local married couples group, meeting monthly to hear short presentations on topics related to marriage and giving us the opportunity to share our experiences with each other. Last month, the topic was Listening Like a Rock Star.Slightly embarrassed, the presenting couple began their short reflection noting that since most of the couples in the room had been married for thirty years or more, we certainly would consider this a basic exercise. Surprisingly, by the end of the evening, all of the couples shared how they continued to struggle to listen well to each other, and needed to re-commit themselves to the basic principles.
Why is listening to each other so difficult? I think one reason is that, in marriage, we sometimes make a few assumptions that get in our way. We may think that we know the other person so well that we don’t have to listen because we know in advance how they think or feel about things. Or we may not listen because we haven’t had much luck in the past when conversing around a particular subject and we have given up hope that we could ever break new ground in understanding. Whatever the reason for making it hard to listen well to our spouses, we were offered a few suggestions that could make a big difference in how well we communicate with each other.
BE RESPONSIVE. The first tip was to be responsive. This may sound simple, but even a short nod of the head or a few words in response can go a long way to let the other person know you are listening. Think of the times when you have known that someone really cares about you because as you were speaking, they made eye contact with you, they might have leaned in to hear better, they responded with comments or some exclamation such as “Oh, I see!”
I admit that there have been a few times in our marriage when Kevin has lamented that he feels like he is talking to a wall because my response to him is nothing more than a blank stare. Whether this is because my mind is elsewhere and not focused on him, or because I am having difficulty taking in what he is trying to communicate, he becomes extremely frustrated, which can lead him to believe that I don’t care about what he is trying to communicate. Be responsive, even if it is not a positive remark; at least your spouse will know your body hasn’t been invaded by an alien!
STOP MULTI-TASKING. The second tip was to stop multi-tasking. In today’s world, there are numerous ways this can become a barrier to good listening. You can’t walk through a mall or an airport or a restaurant without seeing people who are leaning into their smart phones, either texting or googling. Anyone who has been on the other side of the table when their spouse is completely absorbed in their phone knows that feeling of being insignificant.
Closer to home, my husband Kevin has the amazing ability of watching TV, reading the newspaper, and having a conversation with me at the same time. Impressive, you might say, but it has never resulted in a quality conversation where I feel that he cares significantly about what I am trying to share. It can be a little game… Crystal: “You are not listening to me.” Kevin: “Yes I am. You said that your sister is coming to dinner, you are trying to figure out what to make, and…um… ……was there something else?”
Quite often, the “something else” was any kind of communication about the emotions that might be involved in any of it, such as how stressed I might be feeling about how to fit everything into our schedule for the day or worried that the house needs cleaning. For that deeper level of understanding, much of the communication needs to be picked up through tone of voice, body language and facial expressions.
These non-verbals are tremendously important, but quite difficult to notice when you are involved in other tasks. So if you are in the middle of making dinner, or just finishing up writing a paper, or on the edge of your seat watching the final minutes of a soccer game, it would be far better to tell your spouse that you are pre-occupied, but you will be freed up to listen shortly.
NO AGENDA. This may be one of the most difficult tips for married couples, because we all have our own preferences and way of thinking. Not surprisingly, men and women can often approach things differently, and communicating to find a solution can become a game of winning the other over to our side. This may be conscious or unconscious, but the end result is that we stop listening when the conversation is not going in the direction we want it to.
For example, if we are discussing where to go on vacation, the danger might be that any idea that Kevin has that is contrary to mine will be rejected out of hand, rather than considering his idea. I might listen to his plan only long enough to find a slight fault with it, then launch into my own defense of my idea of the perfect vacation. This often comes across to our spouse that we are taking on an attitude of superiority, which, indeed, we are. Being truly open to what our spouse desires is a gift not only to them, but for ourselves. If you don’t believe me, try going on a week’s vacation to a place your spouse did not want to go to in the first place.
LISTEN TO LEARN. This last tip is the crowning jewel of listening well. As mentioned earlier, married couples often assume they know what the other person is thinking and feeling. And yet, in our humanity, we are an ever-evolving person. There are so many events that change the way we react to circumstances, but if we don’t take the time to ask our spouse what is important to them, we lose the opportunity to truly understand them and love them.
Kevin frequently mentions a life-changing experience for him, when we were on a marriage retreat twenty-five years ago and I shared with him how difficult it was for me to be a stay-at-home wife and mother, after having enjoyed a career and freedom for so long. Rather than defending how hard he was working to support the family, or simply try to reassure me that things would get better, he did his best to listen to all of my feelings and take them into his own heart. He was moved by my willingness to be open and vulnerable with him, thereby allowing him the opportunity to adjust his attitude and behaviors. In addition, I felt treasured and loved, knowing that he cared so deeply about my happiness. When we listen to learn what is going on in our spouse’s mind and heart, we can become aware of what a treasure we have in each other.
These tips are simple and practical. They don’t cost money and they don’t take any time to implement. And yet, listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give each other. Listening is a gift from the heart that says:‘I care about you and I want to know what you are thinking and feeling. I will give you my full attention because you are so important to me.’ Listening is a silent “I love you.”
– Crystal and Kevin Sullivan have been involved in ministering to young couples for years. Kevin retired early from his legal firm to dedicate himself full time to ministry. Crystal left the corporate world to raise her children, completed a Master’s in Pastoral Theology and is into various forms of ministry. They have a daughter and a son, and three grandchildren.
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