CRYSTAL
Many years ago, on a Marriage Encounter retreat, Kevin and I were introduced to the notion of “personality styles.” It included taking a brief assessment which helped us to identify with one of four distinct personality styles. Back then, this showed me to be a “Helper” or someone whose prime value is to be in relationship with others. Kevin is a “Catalyst,” who likes spontaneity and making things happen. At the time, it helped me understand the motivation for my actions and the reasons that I reacted so differently to situations than Kevin did. I accepted the results because they verified what had indeed played out in my life time and time again… I am most satisfied and joyful when I feel loved and when I give love to others.
Of course, as Christians we are all called to love others, no matter our personality style. Jesus makes this clear, as seen in the Scripture passage “Love one another as I have loved you.” In that regard, I was brought to a dead-stop in my prayer when I read a reflection on the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus written by Sister Ruth Burrows, O.C. D. where she wrote that we enter into the heart of God “only by becoming like it, living in love at whatever cost, paying the high cost of loving… You simply cannot have love in this life without pain.”
Something about this passage made me pause… then pause some more. I already knew that this notion is certainly not the popular understanding of love that is propagated by the Western media. However, this self-forgetful love is exactly what is needed to be a true apostle of Jesus Christ, whose love was best exemplified by His willingness to carry the cross to His death.
I usually would have thought about carrying my cross as the hard work of continuing in ministry when our efforts seem useless, or in offering up physical pain of an illness without complaint. I had never thought about it as accepting that others that I care about might be the opportunity I am given to take up my cross and follow Jesus. Usually, when I feel hurt by what someone has said (or not said), done (or not done), my first inclination is to withdraw emotionally and become distant and judgmental. I start to have conversations in my head in which I am innocent victim: How dare she imply that I am inconsiderate? Who is he to judge me as being impatient when he is even more impatient? Why doesn’t she understand that I tried my best and now feel ridiculed and unappreciated?
This is where Sister Burrows digs even deeper into the core of the problem: “We say we want to love, we want to serve, want to give ourselves, and at bottom we are saying we want selfish satisfaction. We want to feel we matter, are important, we want to feel fulfilled; in other words we are using others, and the beautiful concept of love is being abused. Love is selfless. The way into the Heart of Jesus is…through learning to pay the cost of pure love. “
To put it lightly, this is extremely challenging. No matter where we are in life, we have to recognize that pure love is going to come at a cost to our ego and our way of seeing the world. We have to turn over our minds as well as our hearts to allow for the potentially life-changing experience of loving purely.
In my opinion, marriage is one of the best places to learn selfless love. I say this because most married couples have a few advantages over other relationships. There is the pleasure of the initial romance, which brought us to the point where we looked forward to a lifetime spent loving each other. In addition, we receive the ongoing graces of our Sacrament, the fruits of our love which often includes children, and yes, even the joy of shared responsibilities which can keep our love strong and permanent. All of these things create strong bonds and a sturdy platform for the tough work of loving.
But inevitably there comes a time in every relationship that we are disappointed, when we feel misunderstood and unappreciated, and that is when loving becomes difficult. Perhaps beyond difficult, it may feel like we are being asked to pick up a cross we have no desire to carry. The weight and the pain of loving someone who we judge is not deserving of love might seem to make the effort of taking the next right step impossible. This is where we find ourselves looking heavenward and imploring God to do something. The answer, spoken through Sister Burrows, is that we must do something, which is to realize that “there is sacrifice involved in letting others be themselves.”
In our marriage, Kevin and I have occasionally experienced painful situations where, because of our personality styles, our approach to a problem was so different that we felt attacked and disrespected by the other. I can only wonder how things could have been resolved differently and more positively had I heeded the advice to ‘let Kevin be himself’ and to do so whether he was willing to understand my viewpoint or not. This would be the best way to love until it hurts, to enter into the heart of Jesus by becoming like it, with an outpouring of love which doesn’t make sense outside of God’s plan for us. Perhaps by taking a breath and asking God to bring His love into my heart, so that in my weakness, my sensitivity and my pride, He will pour the graces I need to love Kevin as he deserves to be loved.
KEVIN
The exercise on identifying personality styles was indeed an eye opener. For so many, courtship is marked by focusing on our similarities. As we find ourselves “in love” the differences we see are trivialized or dismissed as not important. However when we move into marriage the differences we experience can divide and separate us. How we deal with those differences then becomes a critical skill for any long term relationship such a marriage. That is why it was so helpful to learn that our personality styles are neither right nor wrong. They are just different.
Even though we are all created in the image and likeness of God we are all unique. Not better or worse, just different. The power of the personality types exercise is that it serves as a first step in becoming a more compassionate and understanding person. If I can accept that Crystal may have a different view or approach to life or a particular issue, I don’t have to be threatened by apparent disagreement. So often when there is conflict or even seemingly hostile comments I can appreciate that they are usually more about what is going on in Crystal’s life than they are about me. At those times when Crystal might be a little short with me, my first impulse need not be to become defensive but to consider what might be going on for her that may have stressed or aggravated her. When I can respond in an understanding, compassionate and other centered way, conflict is likely to be avoided and tensions diminished. However, when I become self-protective things can escalate in a hurry. Learning to understand and accept our differences has been a powerful step forward. When the inevitable differences or conflicts arise our love for each other is not threatened or damaged as it may have been in the past. The conflict is a temporary obstacle which we seek to overcome as quickly and painlessly as possible so that we can go about helping each other to feel loved and loveable. Viva le difference!
To subscribe to the magazine Contact Us
