A second-year medical student from North-East India narrates her journey of faith—her lovely memories, her struggles, her moments of darkness, her newfound sense of God’s closeness.
“In his time, he makes all things beautiful in his time.” (Ecclesiastes 3:11)
If someone were to ask me five years ago if I was ready to put my faith to the test, I would have never said yes. But little did I know that my faith would be tested the minute I stepped out of my home town.
It was rather easy when I was a child (not that I’m any older now), it was just easier then because I grew up serving the Lord every day under his roof. For ten years I studied in Loreto Convent. Oh, how I long to go back and walk those corridors! My church, the Grotto Chapel where I attended Mass every Sunday was just next door. I devoted my last year there by visiting my school chapel every morning and in the evening, I would serve mass as an altar girl in the Chapel.
My mother and father have always been faithful people of the Lord and in them my foundation of Christ was made strong, followed by my catechism classes. Of course, I expected that, through the years, it would always be the same.
When I left Shillong for the first time, I was filled with mix emotions. I was excited and happy, sad and sentimental at the same time. As I arrived in my new school in Dehradun, I was told that it was not possible to go to church every Sunday as it was a residential school that had specific timings to everything. It was weird at first, but slowly I got used to it, so much so that I almost lost my way to the Lord. Those two years that I spent in boarding school were one of the most challenging, difficult and painful moments I have ever faced, yet it was magical, beautiful and one of the most amazing, memorable times I’ve ever had.
It was difficult because within a year I lost hope in myself. In a classroom filled with brilliant brains, I slowly started doubting my own capabilities. It became worse when I felt like God had abandoned me completely and that I wasn’t as good as the other students.
Before I chose to attend this school, I had a goal—to be a paediatrician, to help the children who suffer from various illnesses and problems. My only happiness, I thought, would be to see their beautiful smiling faces once they felt better. To feel that I’ve done something in my life to make a change in someone else’s. That would give more purpose to my life and I felt that it was my calling.
But within those two years, I lost all hope. I would pray, but I felt as though God never heard them. And slowly my faith started to diminish. I’m not blaming the school, I’m blaming myself for not trusting in God’s plan. I lost faith. Once I came out of school, I came back home and, to my parent’s disappointment, they saw how much my absence had affected my participation in church activities. It was not until I almost felt like I was going to die when my faith became the strongest.
A month before my medical exam, I had a terrifying experience.
I went to give my friend a surprise. I entered her house even though I saw her very gigantic dog and greeted him. Back then I still trusted my instincts on dogs. As I walked past him, I rang the doorbell and, to my shock, her Tibetan mastiff (which was bigger than myself) got up and, without a bark, started biting me as though I were his dinner. His jaw tried to reach for my neck. He bit my bare foot, pulling me to the end of the compound. I felt as though he was ready to eat me alive. And what was I, compared to his weight and strength? Suddenly, in that moment of darkness, I heard the doorknob turn and the door opened behind me. I felt as though my body was telling me to fight this beast, so I kicked him with whatever energy I had left in me and, although he got my foot and pulled me to the edge again, I managed to kick him to the end the second time and crawl backwards inside the house.
All I could think of was, “Where is the person that opened the door for me?” and “Why didn’t he come help me?” The second I crawled into the house I turned back to see him, the hunting animal that wanted to chew my every bone. He looked at me from the door and growled. He looked at me, but he didn’t enter. No one will ever understand how I felt in that moment. I crawled my way to the dining room, just waiting for someone to find me.
When I asked my friend later that day who opened the door for me, she told me that no one did. I was confused at first, but it was then that I knew that He was looking out for me. I knew for a fact that I heard somebody open the door behind me and I believed He sent someone to help me that day. How I prayed that night, with pain and blood, I cried thanking Him for saving me from a horrible mess.
Some people may see this as a minor incident, for me it is not. For me it was a wakeup call. I was on crutches and medication for several months. My exam didn’t go as planned.
So, the next year, when I was better, I joined a coaching centre back in Rajasthan. There I met my second nemesis, Stress. I knew I wanted to get into a medical college, I knew it was my calling and that I needed to do this for my family as well. The stress got to me at a point where I almost gave up on myself again. But, luckily this time, my faith grew stronger. I was able to pass my exam. Little did I know what would happen next. For my applications, my mum and I travelled the entire India, from Bhopal to Indore to Bangalore, back and forth, then Jaipur and other extremely rural areas searching for a college for me.
By the end of that journey, my faith had weakened. I often questioned how it is that the students who got lower marks than me are getting the colleges that I want. It seemed so unfair that the rich could easily buy their way into everything.
I, however, am blessed with such amazing parents. They never once gave up on me—even when I did. Their faith kept me going. We finally concluded that God had a different plan for me. Seeing that it was my dream to be a doctor, my parents being the best that they are, made sure of it.
And here I am today, a second year student at Southern Medical University in Guangzhou, China.
Once I reached China, I realized so many things. I realized how I was meant to be here, I realized how the colleges I had tried to enter would have been unsuitable for me and my family. Everything fell into place the day they decided to send me here. I can actually see the beauty in God’s plan. I’m so happy here and I’m also doing quite well in my studies too. It all just falls into place. And though, in my moments of weakness, I doubted His work, I soon realized how beautifully He had planned everything for me.
I’m not saying it’s a bed of roses, I still have my bad days and times where my faith is anything but strong. But one thing is certain: I know He will always bring me back; He will never abandon me even when I feel everything is going out of control. I know that He is here with me as he is there with you right now reading this. Trust in the Lord, I say to you, and walk by faith even when you cannot see.
Karen Michelle Diengdoh
