CRYSTAL
On the day of their wedding, many Catholic couples recite the traditional vows, promising to be faithful to each other “in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health” and to love and honour each other throughout their entire lives. On that happy day, most couples are not really focusing on the implications of that promise, particularly on what bad times might follow. The wedding and the celebration that follows is a time for joyful anticipation of a future life with high hopes for blessings. And that is as it should be!
We don’t need to worry about what things might go wrong because trouble usually finds us all by itself soon enough. Just as rain falls on the just and the unjust, so do hard times occur for couples in spite of their best efforts. The suffering may come in the form of illness, unemployment, failed personal relationships, financial struggles, death of a loved one or some other adversity. What a gift it is to have a spouse who lifts us up when times are hard! Helping our beloved “carry the cross” is a way for us to truly live out our wedding vows and reflect Christ to each other.
I recently experienced this during the weeks surrounding the death of my dear friend Karen. As she suffered immensely from the cancer that was ravaging her body, I was given the blessing of being able to be at her side and tend to her needs. Although my heart felt like it was breaking with sadness, I felt honored to be there with her as she spent her last days on earth offering up her pain for the intentions of her loved ones. My calm demeanor while I was with her often crumbled when I came home to Kevin, where I cried in his arms as he hugged me. His loving support and encouragement gave me the strength to continue on in faith and trust in God’s plan. Looking back, there were some things that Kevin was able to offer me that helped me through this latest “bad time” and made me appreciate him and our marriage in a whole new way.
The most important thing that Kevin did was to pray for both of us. Because I have had my own battle with cancer, he would assure me every day that he had offered his mass intentions and prayed the rosary for his “cancer girls.” This gift of prayer was so important to me because I am well aware that only God has the power over life and death. When there is no where else to turn, surrendering ourselves over to God’s mercy can remind us that our lives are always in the best hands.
In fact, for the last few years I have begun my morning prayer with the words from Phillipians 4:5b-7, “The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” I have discovered in my own life that the graces and blessings that come from God are intangible to the eye, yet are felt with the soul. Many who have reflected back on their time of sorrow report they felt like they were carried through them by the grace of God. This is exactly how I felt, and I believe that Kevin’s prayers were heard and answered, although not with the miraculous healing I had hoped for.
Kevin also was my rock of strength when I felt like my heart was crumbling. It is always very difficult for him to see me upset or hurting, as it would be for most loving married couples when one is suffering. Even though there was nothing Kevin could physically do to help me through my pain, he gave me the gift of listening to my thoughts and feelings. This helped me to lay the burden of grief down and share it with him, knowing that he cared for both of us. I was so appreciative that he was able to stay calm and remind me that Karen’s beautiful soul was destined for heaven. I was able to share my pain without worrying that I would do any damage to his faith or to his stability. Rather than letting my sadness overwhelm him, he remained a stable and loving husband, willing to simply listen to my sorrowful reports, hold my hand or send a smile across the room.
Under most circumstances, troubles usually have an end. Illnesses are healed, jobs are found, relationships are restored. Although my friend Karen died, our faith assures us of everlasting life. My friend Glenda, with whom I shared some of the sorrows that have befallen our family recently, reminded me of this powerful truth: Good Friday is always followed by Easter Sunday. The cycle of suffering and rising occurs again and again throughout our lives, and we have the assurance that God is with us through it all.
KEVIN
Times of struggle and suffering can be emotionally and spiritually challenging, but can also be truly blessed times when we allow the love of God and others to hold us up. My first response to the news of Karen’s impending death was to despair. Such a faith-filled and loving mother… how could she be taken so early? How painful it was for all of her family members to watch her suffering! And Crystal’s pain was so hard for me to witness. Yet, as we came together in the last days I came to see the blessings that God had ready to share.
In these darkest of times it was inspirational to see the love that Karen had shared so generously with others reflected back to her in so many ways. Sometimes it was in the tender love of her mother who was as attentive and tender as one can imagine she was on the day Karen was born, or in the brave and courageous devotion of her husband trying to be strong for his five boys. Sometimes it was from her sons who were doing their best to return to their mom all of the love they had received from her. The presence of God who is love itself was powerfully present in that blessed time and place.
Perhaps the greatest blessing of all was the opportunity to witness Crystal’s powerful ability to love Karen so fully and purely and to realize that is how Crystal loves me. While none of us like to struggle or suffer, coming to the realization that God desires our happiness can give us the grace to see His loving hand at work in and through those with whom we share our lives.
Much like Jesus on His way to Jerusalem, Karen knew of the suffering that was to befall her and her only desire was “to get it right.” Crystal’s dear friend “got it right” and so can we, if we do not give in to despair but turn in faith and hope to a God who loves us. In good times and bad, the love of Christ is always with us. All we need to do is step away for a moment from our grief and look around us. God’s love will be in the face of a spouse, a sister, a child, a neighbor or a friend, for the love God has for us is reflected in the hearts of those we know and love.
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