To be mature, we need to grow up in five areas. We must take responsibility for each. Here are practical tips for each area.
Think of a person you really look up to, someone for whom you have high regard, someone who makes you feel, “How I wish I were more like this person!”
What makes you admire this person? How does he or she inspire you? What is it you want to learn from this woman or man?
Thought of such a person?
Here is one such person, someone I have known well.
Albert was a brilliant and humorous officer in government service. He reached out to people who needed help, and assisted many without a show. He never, never took a bribe, or even accepted gifts from people whom he had helped. He spent time coaching poorer students for jobs, and did not take a pie for it. He was deeply religious without appearing to be conventionally pious. Humour and warmth made his company delightful.
Ashok Singh (all names have been changed in this true story), a senior customs officer in New Delhi, who had seen all sorts of people, witnessed bribery, smuggling and corruption at all levels, could not figure out Albert. Why should a brilliant man lead a simple life, and never take advantage of others? Why didn’t he smuggle things or accept money in return for favours? He started observing Albert closely. The more he studied his friend, the more his admiration grew. One day, after years of acquaintance, Ashok told Albert, “I have been observing you for years. Whenever I praised you for something, you generally gave the credit to someone else. What if I tell you: You are the finest human being I have ever come across?”
Who is the finest human being you have ever known? Will those who know you—students, patients, community members, friends—say that about you?
To become a good and mature human being—isn’t that life’s most important task?
To begin with, what does it mean to grow into a mature and good person?
To grow up, we need to take care of five areas of life. Human life is not one-dimensional. It is not enough to be healthy or good-looking or clever or rich or charming or pious. We need to grow up in all the important aspects of life. What are these aspects?
There are five areas we need to tend. Neglect or immaturity in any one area will affect our functioning, and damage the other four areas as well. These five spheres are:
Bodily health, mental development, emotional balance, relationships and spirituality.
As children, others looked after us in each of these areas. As adults, we need to care for ourselves and take responsibility in each area. No one else can make me healthy or bright or pleasant or friendly or spiritual. Managing these five areas is my responsibility.
A quick word on each of these, with concrete examples and suggestions.
1. MY BODY
I am responsible for my health.
This includes the following: food, exercise, hygiene, sleep and avoiding addictions.
Food: After we are thirty-five or forty, more diseases come from overeating than from under-eating. A good principle about eating is: “In case of doubt, leave it out.” Two widespread diseases in India (and some other parts of the world) are: diabetes and heart disease. Both require discipline in eating.
A recent Indian study shows that today’s youngsters have less resistance than their parents. The causes: junk food and lack of exercise.
In some ways, we—especially those of us who live in cities—are helpless about consuming “poisoned” food. As a group of well-educated farmers, very aware of the widespread use of pesticides, said, “You, city people, do not know what you are eating.” They told me how many times vegetables are sprayed or even dipped in insecticide. Most of what we buy—fruits, vegetables, meat and fish—contain large doses of harmful chemicals. We cannot avoid such poison. How do we cultivate vegetables on our own, or make sure everything we eat is safe?
Exercise: Exercise is a must, not a luxury. To be healthy, we need to spend thirty minutes in somewhat vigorous exercise daily, or at least thrice a week. Exercise is not just good for the body. It is a great mood-lifter. It releases endorphins into the blood, which gives us a natural “high.” The next time you are feeling low or off mood, go for a brisk walk. You will feel better—physically and emotionally.
Hygiene: There is much dirt in our surroundings—streets, neighbourhoods, trains, buses, railway stations, office buildings. We should support any movement or group that tries to clean up public spaces. As for our personal sphere, we must make sure that our home—especially the kitchen and bath room—are really clean. Care for our personal cleanliness is an absolute must. We do not need expensive cosmetics for this. Soap and water are enough, and a bit of effort. We must keep our body, clothes, rooms, toilets and vehicles clean. We need to teach children to keep buildings, streets and spaces tidy.
Sleep: Nothing to worry if we miss sleep now and then, or we cannot sleep well one night. But we will do well to stick to a regular schedule of sleep. Get enough sleep: 6 to 8 hours a day.
Avoid addictions: An addiction is a habit that has become stronger than ourselves. If addicted, get help. Your own resolutions and good will are not enough. Addictions can be to food, or drink, or TV, or computer (especially if it includes pornography), gossip or shopping.
2. MY MIND
I need to recognize, and use, its tremendous potential.
The most powerful tool, the most resourceful engine in the universe, is the human brain. We know more about the dark side of the moon than we do about our mind. Its power is literally mind-boggling.
I usually start the session on the Five Areas of Growth by asking the audience to shout out names of famous people from history. I show them that we can memorize a list of twenty or more names immediately after hearing them.
The audience is intrigued. They want to learn how to develop a strong memory.
I ask them: Up to how many digits can a person recall correctly? E.g., the CRI House landline is 26923911. This is easy. A ten-digit number is a little harder to repeat. A fifteen-digit number is almost impossible to repeat for most people. What do you think is the world record? (Make a guess. What number did you think of? Twenty? Fifty? Hundred?).
This world record is measured by checking how many digits of the value of π (“pi”, that is, 22 by 7) a person can remember. Computers have calculated this incredibly huge number.
Here are the astonishing records: Years ago, the world record was held by Rajan Mahadevan, a young man from Mangalore. He could recall the value to pi up to (hold your breath! Ready for a shock?) thirty-five thousand digits!
Ready for more shocks? In 2010, a sixty-nine-year-old Japanese man called Akira Haraguchi recalled the value of π up to 101,031 digits! Later, he could reach 111,700 digits!!
There are people who master a dozen or more languages.
Most of us set our mental bar too low. We are not brain-damaged or intellectually weak. We are under-achievers. Our mind is capable of far more than we think. We are setting limits to its capacity.
How many languages will you learn? How will you challenge your mind? Are you using it, or putting it in deep freeze? Sad but true: Many schools, colleges, seminaries and convents are graveyards of the mind. We let this most powerful tool atrophy and wither. It is like lying in bed day and night for years, and expecting to have a strong, muscular body.
How do we cultivate the mind? Here are some steps:
- Use it: Read. Study. Learn something new every day.
- Learn study skills: Most students (and others) do not know how to study. Become an effective life-long learner. How? By developing skills like: Memory enhancement, concentration, reading, taking notes, writing, learning a foreign language, time management, using the Internet. These skills are more useful and more lasting than any subject we study in school or college.
- Teach younger people: Teaching is one of the best ways of learning—and of remaining intellectually alert.
- Read or write rather than watch TV: Too much TV can dull the mind and become a huge time-waster. Reading and writing, instead, make the mind active.
- Learn from people who use their mind creatively: See how some people pick up a new language, or learn the names of people, or do calculations mentally.
- Do something creative: Don’t simply repeat others’ words or actions. You can be creative in so many activities—cooking, making new clothes, flower arrangement, writing a poem, composing a prayer, putting up a play, …
Compared to our physical abilities, our mental potential is incredibly greater. There are far vaster differences among us in mental achievement than in physical prowess.
Know that you have an untapped, unexplored, underdeveloped mind. You have not seen the miracles you are capable of once you really develop this powerful tool. Don’t say, for instance: “I can’t remember” or “I have no mind for languages” or “My memory is poor.” How do you know?
3. MY EMOTIONS
I should become a joyful, balanced and vibrant person—not a violent, moody and bitter one.
If the mind is like the light on the path, emotions are like the fuel firing the engine. They drive us, energize us, can multiply or sap our strength.
Emotions are not good or bad. They are real, and need to be listened to, and trained (like children).
Though we may think of some emotions are good (e.g., joy, gratitude, enthusiasm) and others as bad (fear, anger, sadness, disgust or jealousy), the experience of an emotion does not make a person good or bad. What matters is how appropriate the display of emotion is, and how we manage our emotions. Thus, sadness or anger can be very reasonable. Crying can be appropriate at a dear one’s death. Jealousy is an understandable emotion arising out of our insecurity, but it can do enormous damage if not handled properly.
So, check:
- Am I mostly a happy person or sad, angry, afraid or jealous?
- Have I learnt to handle my “moods,” that is, my feelings of sadness, fear, anger, disgust and jealousy?
- When I am afraid, angry or jealous, do I simply react with those feelings, or try to see what causes the emotion?
One of the most practical insights into emotions is this: What causes the emotion (e.g., fear) is not the external reality or event (e.g., giving a speech before a large audience), but how I think or fantasize about it (e.g., I will make mistakes, they will laugh at me, I will feel bad).
By understanding what goes on in our mind, we can learn to handle almost any emotion. For instance, fear or sadness or jealousy can vanish or greatly diminish if we examine our own assumptions and irrational thoughts.
One complex set of emotions which we need to handle well is the whole area of sexuality. Other strong emotions are linked to it—desire, jealousy, anger, sadness, joy. The two strongest attractions in life are probably man-woman love and the maternal instinct. People in love will be ready to do almost anything for each other. So, too, a woman will jump in front of a speeding car to save her child. Such strong feelings are rooted in our sexual nature. Sexuality is at the root of some of the closest and most beautiful relationships—motherhood, fatherhood, family, spousal love, tender care of children, the sacrifices a wife or husband makes.
This deep and central aspect of human life needs to be understood, respected, valued and integrated lovingly. We plan to devote another cover issue to this central theme.
A word of caution: The worst time for taking decisions would be when we are under the sway of strong anger, jealousy, sadness or sexual attraction. Such decisions will tend to be disastrous. So, too, decisions taken under the influence of drinks or drugs.
4. MY RELATIONSHIPS
I can learn to relate, have good friends, and find joy in them.
Are you happy with the way you relate? Do you have good friends—people you truly care about and on whom you can count? For happiness and success in life, relationships matter much more than intelligence or wealth or good looks or talent.
Sr Karuna SSpS, who was on the National CRI team until her unexpected death in 2013, was a person noted for her warm relationships. Even those who came just once to CRI House, Delhi, would remember Karuna. She knew our neighbours, especially the poor and the sick. When she was leaving the slum in Rourkela where she had worked, hundreds of people went to the railway station to see her off. Many wept.
Most of what we call ministry or leadership is about relationships. How to learn to relate well?
Very simple. To have friends, and to relate well, you need not be good-looking or clever or great at cracking jokes or wear expensive clothes. But four other things matter:
If you are ready to help people when they need help, if you speak well of people (and not gossip), if you listen attentively when they speak, if you encourage and appreciate them for what they do and are, you will have plenty of friends. In college elections, for instance, the students elect the nicest students, not the brightest or prettiest ones, as their leaders.
To have friends, and to improve your relationships, ask:
Am I a helpful person?
Do I encourage others, rather than put them down?
Do I speak well of others in their absence?
Do I give people my sincere attention when they want to speak?
Studies show—as Fr Jose Parappully SDB told us in his first article under “Psychology and Life”—that the surest help for health and happiness as we grow older is having good, close relationships. You may remember that the psychologist leading the research summarized seventy years of findings in one sentence, “Happiness is love.”
5. MY INNER JOURNEY
I am always held in love and never forgotten.
Of all the relationships that can sustain us in life, the one that is most reliable, deepest and most powerful is our relationship with God. This inner journey is what sustains our spiritual life.
It is strong, deep and beautiful—and easily misunderstood.
Since we cannot catch hold of the soul, or measure spirituality, or even see it directly, we can be easily misled on this path. Thus, I may think I am spiritual if I pray much or go to religious shrines, but I may be unjust and selfish. Or, I may be meticulous in the observance of religious ritual, but also be a gossip or caste fanatic.
Worse still, we may use religious symbols and doctrines to promote bigotry, division, hatred and violence. As philosopher Pascal said, “People seldom do evil so readily as when motivated by religion.” People have done heroic service motivated by their religious faith (think of Fr Damien caring for leprosy patients on Molokai or Sr Rani Maria or Bishop Oscar Romero). Sadly, people have also tortured and killed others and justified it in the name of God.
Studies show that those who have spiritual practices, such as regular prayer and meditation, have better emotional and physical health.
In treating addictions, e.g., alcoholism, a combination of spiritual and psychological helps works better than psychological tools alone.
How do we cultivate this aspect of life? How do we become spiritually stronger and more focussed?
I have two suggestions:
One: Cultivate positive core beliefs.
Two: Check whether you live a good life, or are simply engaging in some cultic practices while leading a selfish or wicked life.
Here are examples of positive core beliefs:
Psalm 139 tells us, “I am never alone.” The four parts of this psalm are: God knows our needs better than we do; we are always thought of and held in God’s love; every part of me is God’s marvellous work; God thinks of me the whole day and night.
Or, take Isaiah, chapter 43: “Don’t be afraid. I have called you by name. You are mine. You are precious to me, and honoured, and I love you.”
Or Mark 16: “Jesus is alive: He goes ahead of me. I will see Him.”
One day, an orphan boy told me he remembered something I had told them on my birthday the previous year. I asked him what it was. He said: “You told us: In the heart of God, there is always a place for me.”
Any of these short statements can simply be a sentence that means very little to me, or a life-giving message that sustains me. God’s word has power. It can heal, comfort, encourage, give new life.
I remember a nurse using Bible verses of this kind to cheer up a very depressed patient.
Core beliefs matter. They come to our mind often and easily. When we are troubled, or facing important decisions, they can be a rock of support, like being held by someone who loves us.
What are your core beliefs?
What deep convictions do you hold—about life, about God?
The other part of spirituality is to live as our faith teaches and demands. Jesus taught us not a religion based on temple worship, but centred on God’s love, which has to be translated into active love for one another.
So, to be spiritual means to do what is right and abstain from evil. It means to love, and not hate or be indifferent. It means to be just in our dealings.
Integrity, love, justice. Without these three virtues, there is no spirituality.
Five Ever Larger Circles
To be human means to be bodily and mental, emotional and related, and listening to God’s voice with our inner ear.
All five aspects matter.
But—mark this!—they are not of the same strength or importance.
Think of them as five circles or pillars. Want to try drawing five circles or pillars?
Each succeeding circle or pillar is larger than the previous one.
Thus, the mind is more powerful and more pervasive than the body. Eagles see farther than we do; elephants and whales are much bigger than we are. Cheetahs run faster. Yet we master them, because of our mind.
All our inventions—homes, clothes, medicines, cars and trains and planes, spectacles and heart surgery—are the fruit of the mind God has given us. May we develop this most powerful tool, and use it in the service of love.
The third circle—emotions—are stronger and more influential than the second. Although our emotions are largely caused by the way we think, they matter more in life than clever ideas, or IQ or our degrees and qualifications. This is the meaning of saying that EQ (Emotional Quotient) matters more than IQ. A person of average intelligence, who manages emotions well will succeed better than a brilliant person who is addicted (say, to alcohol or drugs) or who cannot control his temper or his moods.
The fourth circle—relationships—are still stronger. We all have our ups and downs. Nobody is always strong and happy. As the Harvard University research showed, close friendships are the greatest support for our health and happiness. Friends stand by us in our good fortune and bad, in our health and sickness, in our moments of ecstatic joy and deep depression, and hold us in love.
The last circle—our journey with God, and our contact with our deepest self—is the widest and strongest circle of all. In fact, it has no limits. People sustained by a strong religious faith, or by deep mystical experience, find the strength to face almost any situation—poverty, illness, torture, death. I can say this from my own experience as a formator: The people who do best in ministry as priests or religious—some of whom lead extraordinary lives of service—are not necessarily the most brilliant or the physically strongest. Those who trust God and love people do the most. I have seen this repeatedly, in case after case.
So, cultivate all five circles. Have a full life. Do not neglect any area. Want a summary? Here:
BODY: Keep physically fit. Careful about food. Exercise regularly. Be clean. Get enough sleep. Avoid addictions.
MIND: Know its tremendous power. Learn something new every day. Read. Listen to enriching talks. Anything that makes you mentally active is good for you—writing, doing puzzles, teaching, taking an interest in younger people. Learn study skills. Don’t dull your mind with too much TV.
EMOTIONS: Your ideal is not a life without emotions, but to be a fully alive human being, with warmth and tenderness, a passion for life and for people. Be a human being, not a computer. Your goal is to tame and integrate your feelings (like taming a dog), not to destroy them, nor give them free reign.
RELATIONSHIPS: They are the greatest source of joy—and pain. Learn to relate. Help. Say good things about others. Listen. Encourage. Do not gossip or put down people.
SPIRITUALITY: Cultivate positive core beliefs—about a caring and provident and all-powerful Love that never forgets us. Respond to that love through a life of integrity, love and justice.
Integrate! Do not deny or damage any aspect.
Lead a FULL life. Do not neglect any area.
If you neglect your health, you will pay for it. You may become a burden for others.
If you neglect learning, you will find life boring, and others will find your company heavy. Or we will fill up our mental emptiness with bad habits, like gossip.
If you do not integrate your emotions—if you are often angry or moody or jealous—people will avoid you. If you cultivate a “spirituality” that does not make you human, your problems will increase. And you will make others suffer.
If you do not have deep spiritual convictions and cultivate an inner journey, you will have no inner strength to handle life with its ups and downs. The greatest source of inner strength and joy will be missing.
BE FULLY ALIVE.
BECOME A HEALTHY, MENTALLY ACTIVE, JOYFUL, LOVING, GOD-CENTRED WOMAN OR MAN—not a sad or sickly or empty-headed or isolated egoist with no vison of one’s inner beauty and rich possibilities.
If there is one experience that brings all these aspects in harmony, it is love. So, let me end with this lovely poem:[1]
“Those who love deeply
never grow old;
They may die of old age,
but they die young.”
May you live and die young—
Physically healthy, mentally active, emotionally balanced, relating in love and passionate about your Inner Journey.
[1] I have seen it attributed to different authors— Benjamin Franklin? Dorothy Canfield Fisher? Arthur Wing Pinero? Abigail Van Buren? Anonymous?
– Fr. Joe Mannath SDB is the National Secretary of CRI and the editor of this magazine
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