There is a difference between community life and communion. We come together and live in community for a double purpose—to help each other to get closer to God and to fulfil the common mission. A community helps us to reach both these goals. The community is the place where we release our tensions and are energized for our mission. Celebrations and lighter moments reduce our tension and break the monotony. A religious who lives in a loving community has far more zest and joy in mission.
But community life itself can become a source of tension. Many communities appear as patched up unrelated parts. In several communities, there is sadly only a business-oriented, merely functional, relationship. There is apparent cordiality, which rarely includes a deep, sincere, trusting and warm relationship among the members. Over-involvement in work forces the members to avoid sharing in community responsibilities and being accountable to others in the community. We keep ourselves simply busy. Ministry becomes an excuse for not meeting others meaningfully.
An extremely important means to build up communion in communities is communication. Nasty judgments, unjust criticism, calculated coldness and subtle manoeuvres would disappear, if there is genuine, humble and positive communication. The spirituality of communion implies the ability to see what is positive in others, to welcome it and to value it as a gift from God and to know how to share each other’s burdens. If somebody is better than we are, we can learn from them. We can learn to enjoy others’ success.
Don’t take what others say about you too seriously: It has been said that only two people can tell you who you really are: an enemy who has lost her/his temper and a friend who genuinely loves you. Listen to them and learn about yourself. Do not react, oppose or defend yourself. Rather study their comments, evaluate them and see if what they say is true. If true, work on it. A Bishop told his priests that he would not like any homily for his funeral, adding: “I do not want to be lying in the coffin, while another is lying in the pulpit.”
So, too, telling someone, “I am sorry” has a great value. Agree to disagree. Arguments are seldom productive. You win an argument, and lose a friend.
Get rid of the idea that “I have to teach her a lesson or else she will never learn.” People do not learn by being opposed, but rather by being understood, cared for and being dealt with respect and compassion. Use your heart and not just your head and reasoning. Listen respectfully. Never minimize the other’s feelings by saying: You are over-reacting; you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. We may be hearing the other’s words, but not really listening to their feelings.
Learn to forgive. A community is not made up of perfect people. Each one is a mixture of good and bad, like Jesus’ community. None of us are perfect products of God. We are still a work in progress. I may not like somebody’s voice, hair-style, beard, features or ideas. I am not bound to like them. Yet, I have no right to oppose, reject or humiliate a person on account of these aspects. I am called to love everybody—including those whose ways I do not like. God can write straight with crooked lines. Develop compassion. Let not community members feel: “When I do something good, no one remembers it; but when I commit a mistake, no one forgets.”
It is OK to allow people to make mistakes. Novice Mistress once called a novice and scolded her for not making the Sign of the Cross properly because some senior sisters had complained about it. The novice accepted the correction, but decided to test whether the others really made the sign of the cross well! The next morning, when the sisters came out of the chapel after Mass, the novice had a good laugh. Every sister had a cluster of three blue smudges on the chest of her white habit. Not a single one showed a real cross! How come? The previous night, the novice had poured ink into the holy water cup at the entrance of the chapel!
When you are hurt, there is no harm in crying. For many women, crying is often an outlet for anger. (There is a gender difference here: Women tend to express anger as sadness, e.g., by crying, and men often express sadness as anger!) As individuals and as society it may be time to re-think our attitudes about crying. If you are a woman, the chances are better. Our society tends to admire those who appear to be strong. Men are said to die earlier than women. Could there be a connection? St. Francis speaks of “the gift of tears.” Jesus wept (Gospel of John, 11:35). There is a therapeutic, healing power in tears. We speak of salt in tears, but there seems to be evidence of washed out toxins. While weeping may be helpful, take care not to hurt yourself or to defuse your anger through alcohol, or drugs, such as, tranquillisers or sleeping pills.
A mistake we should avoid: Giving our anger free rein, while being stingy with our smiles. No! Be generous with your smile and restrained in showing anger. After all, aren’t we placed on this earth to increase the joy and goodness in the world? Each of us can light up the place around us if, instead of going around with a long face, or repeatedly recalling our hurts, we decide to spread joy around us.
You have probably heard what is called the Serenity Prayer: “Lord, give me the courage to change what I can; the serenity to accept what I cannot change; and the wisdom to know the difference”. This would also be a wise guideline in dealing with people—including the limitations and foibles that all of us have.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION AND SHARING:
- Have I been happy in most of the communities I have lived in?
- What do I tend to notice more easily—people’s good qualities or their defects?
- What do I talk about more frequently and more readily—the good that others do or their failures?
- Religious do not the face the type of cruel and inhuman treatment that some married people face—marital violence, public abuse, addictions leading to humiliation and violence, quarrels and court cases over money and property. What can we do to make life in community happier and more edifying?
- In both marriage and celibate life, the main challenge of young adulthood—soon after marriage or religious profession—is adjustment. Very similar qualities are needed to succeed in either way of life. Do I see adjusting to different characters as a normal challenge of life, rather than as a huge mountain?
- Will I grow up and benefit more if I mix with those who think like me, or by living with a variety of persons with different tastes and views?
- When someone expresses a view different from mine, do I really listen and try to understand—or do I reject it immediately, and start arguing with the person?
- How would you describe relationships in most communities you have lived in—homes of love with deep mutual care and respect; superficial relationships marked by indifference and lack of trust; bitter antagonism, rivalry and jealousy?
- What can I do to build up a true communion of hearts and minds wherever I live and work, rather than just work-related and superficial meetings, or (worse still) mutual distrust, prejudice and jealousy?
Would most communities that know me be happy to have me as a member?
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