A Popular Principal
Sr. Jessie is very popular with the teachers and the girls of the college where she is principal. Members of her community like her. She has good relations with the priests of the nearby parish. Parents of students as well as others who interact with her like the way she treats them. She is also a very competent principal, who has been able to raise the standard of the college considerably since she took over.
When asked what was the secret of her popularity, she referred to the good time she had in her family as a child. She felt her parents really cared for her. Whenever she experienced some distress or was in some need, they responded with care and sensitivity.
This kind of sensitive responsiveness on the part of her parents helped the young Jessie to develop self-esteem and confidence, which helped her to relate to others in a friendly way. She was able to internalize the sensitive responsiveness of her parents toward her and manifest the same to others. Naturally, people liked her.
Sr. Jessie’s profile fits that of a child, and later adult, who experiences what Attachment theory considers a secure attachment pattern.
Attachment Theory
Attachment Theory, originally formulated by the British psychologist John Bowlby, the Canadian psychologist Mary Ainsworth and the American psychologist Mary Main, and further developed by many others after them, is one of the cutting edge contemporary psychological theories.
Unlike many other theories in psychology, Attachment Theory is based on thousands of hours of direct observation of parent-child relationships, both in the real world and in the laboratory. It is widely regarded as probably the best supported theory of emotional development yet available.
Attachment Theory underlines the powerful influence that the way parents, particularly the mother, treat their children has on the emotional development of children, especially on the development of self-trust and trust of others, so necessary for healthy interpersonal relationships.
What the theory says is that a child needs to experience a secure attachment with its parents/caregivers for it to develop the trust needed to move out to explore the world. It is such exploration that leads to development of a sense of competence and self-confidence. Ainsworth and Bowlby term this as “exploration from a secure base.”
We are all hard-wired for attachment. As children we seek some adult to attach ourselves to. The more sensitive and responsive this adult is to our needs, the deeper our attachment and greater the likelihood that we will develop healthy ways of responding to the people around us.
Three types of Attachment
Attachment Theory differentiates three attachment patterns. One of them is labelled secure and the other two insecure.
In the pattern of secure attachment, as exemplified in the case of Sr. Jessie, the child is confident that its parent (or parent figure) will be available, responsive, and helpful when it seeks protection or comfort or encounters adverse or frightening situations. With this assurance, it feels bold to explore the world, grows in self-confidence and competence, and learns to relate in healthy ways to its surroundings.
Fr. Malcolm, like Sr. Jessie, is also a principal, but of a high school. But he is not happy with the job. He feels he is not really fit for the post, and others around him share the view. He does not see himself as very competent. He usually shies away from meeting people and prefers to keep a low profile, not very helpful traits in a principal. However, when he does choose to relate to someone, he clings to them and makes lots of demands on them, which leads to conflicts in the relationship.
Fr. Malcolm’s family history gives some clues as to why he has developed such an unhealthy relational pattern. His father died when Malcolm was just three years old. His mother had now become the bread winner of the family, which took most of her time. Besides, she had also to take care of Malcolm’s one-and-half-year-old younger sister. His mother could spare very little time for Malcolm. When she could, it was difficult for her to move away from him, because he would cling to her and cry inconsolably, when she tried to. Naturally, the young Malcolm would develop anxiety and insecurity. If he let her go, he was not sure if she would come back to him.
When children like Malcolm grow into adulthood, they are plagued by insecurity, which makes them reluctant to be close to others; when they do, they become very clingy. They are scared of losing their friends and partners. Fear of loss makes them quite controlling in their relationships—which has the opposite result of making the friends distance themselves. These individuals worry that their friends and partners don’t love them. They become very distraught when relationships end.
These children develop what Attachment Theory labels anxious ambivalent (also known as resistant) insecure attachment. This ambivalent/resistant attachment pattern is promoted by a parent who is available and helpful on some occasions but not on others – that is, by inconsistent and unpredictable parenting, by separations and threats of abandonment used as a means of controlling children. Such threats scare the children, who then live in constant anxiety of the threat being carried out. Naturally, they grow up to be very insecure adults.
The third type of attachment pattern is labeled anxious avoidant. Persons affected by this avoid relationships and act as if they do not need relationships. This pattern is developed by a child who is convinced that, when it seeks care from the parent, the parent will not respond helpfully, on the contrary, it will be rebuffed. This is because the child has experienced a history of neglect and indifference from the parents.
Consequently, the child attempts to live its life without seeking love and support of others, and tries to take care of itself and becomes emotionally independent. It denies its attachment needs in order to reduce emotional distress arising from disappointment. This person will develop a high degree of autonomy and competence but suffer from relational inadequacy.
These are the children who grow up to be great achievers, but who are hopeless at relationships. They have always kept their feelings to themselves and so do not learn how to share their thoughts and feelings with others. Naturally, intimacy becomes a challenge.
Attachment patterns, secure and insecure, developed in childhood, tend to perpetuate themselves. They are hard to change. However, a nurturing environment and frequent encounters with caring and responsive adults later in life can bring about some changes and transform insecure attachment patterns into more secure patterns.
These patterns of secure and insecure attachments have implications for spirituality, religious formation and marital relationships. These will be explored in a later column.
A Personal Exercise:
- Go back in memory to your childhood.
- Recall the ways your parents related to you. Be in touch with the thoughts and emotions these memories evoke in you.
- Did you experience your parents as available, responsive and helpful?
- As you recall your childhood experience, how do you feel about the way your parents were available, responsive and helpful or its opposite?
- Projecting back from your current behaviours as an adult, what kind of childhood attachment experience do you think you had: Secure, Insecure Ambivalent or Insecure Avoidant?
- Can you recall incidents/experiences from childhood which support your conclusion about your attachment style in childhood?
- How do you think the secure or insecure attachment you experienced in childhood has affected your adult personality and relationships?
– Rev. Dr. Jose Parappully, SDB, is the Founder-Director of Sumedha Centre, which runs courses and retreats in psycho-spiritual integration. He also does individual and group therapy.
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