Psychology & Life

“Small disciplines repeated with consistency every day, lead to great achievements gained slowly over time.” – John Maxwell

Two different personalities in the same parish community:

In a parish on the outskirts of a city, 58-year-old Fr. James was the parish priest and 42-year-old Fr. Denzil was the principal of the diocesan English medium school. In comparison to the younger priest, Fr. James was found to be healthy, agile, and active. He had the habit of regularly rising at 4.30 am, practicing yoga and other exercises, and being punctual in celebrating the Holy Mass for the parishioners at 6.00 am. His health was generally good, with the exception of occasional headaches and fever. He was a lively and sociable person, who greeted people with enthusiasm, maintained friendly relationships with his office staff and the parishioners. People were drawn to his amiable personality, and he was widely appreciated.

Fr. Denzil did not enjoy robust health. He suffered from diabetes and high blood pressure and had to take medication daily. Due to his medical condition, he was unable to rise early in the morning and fulfil his spiritual practices. In fact, he would just about manage to be on time to start school at 9.00 am. With regard to his interpersonal rapport, it was almost impossible for him to be calm and relaxed during the day. He would constantly complain about the many difficulties he was facing in school and it was customary for him to be irritated, impatient and disrespectful towards his staff and the parents of students. As a consequence, people feared approaching him. Neither did he enjoy a happy and serene community life whereas the other priest seemed to be living a fulfilled life.

Fr. Dr. Joseph Jeyaraj, sdb

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“Your body holds great wisdom. Trust in it. Learn from it. Watch your life transform and be healthy.” (Bella Bleue)

“It is health that is the real wealth, and not pieces of gold and silver.” (Mahatma Gandhi)

In the previous article, we presented a bird’s-eye view of the six-dimensional paradigm of wholeness, namely, the physical, intellectual, emotional, moral, social, and spiritual dimensions. This brief and cursory description informed us that a person’s wholeness depends on their commensurate development in all these six dimensions. We also noted that those who fail to develop suitably in all these six dimensions could become dysfunctional in their day-to-day life and, as a consequence, their journey towards wholeness could either slow down or be halted completely. Therefore, our immediate task now is to explore the ways and means to arrive at wholeness while maturing in each of these individual dimensions.

From here on, we shall embark on an interesting and significant journey; an elaborate and practical journey of self-awareness and personal development. In this issue, we shall focus on the physical dimension of wholeness.

Fr. Dr. Joseph Jeyaraj, SDB

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Life is a great tapestry. The individual is only an insignificant thread in an immense and miraculous pattern. (Albert Einstein)

We ended the previous article saying that the practice of the wholeness paradigm would enable priests and religious to stay true to the GOSPEL PARADIGM of Jesus Christ. The Gospel paradigm is an open invitation to ascertain the fullness of life to all people. Similarly, the wholeness paradigm too focuses on empowering everyone with fullness of life. It is also an invitation for individuals to mature and progress in all dimensions of their life. Albert Einstein recognised that a human person is just an insignificant thread that weaves an immense and miraculous pattern, designed by the Divine weaver. This miraculous pattern is from the different areas of life that an individual should mature in. What are these dimensions that one needs to mature in and progress?

The Six-Dimensional Wholeness Paradigm

Stephen Covey’s paradigm consisted of 4 dimensions which included the four different areas of one’s personality, namely, body, mind, heart and spirit. Four dimensions of a person’s life were included in Covey’s model. The Wholeness Paradigm that we discuss here consists of six dimensions, including the four dimensions of the earlier model. They are physical, cognitive, emotional, spiritual, social and moral dimensions.

Fr. Dr. Joseph Jeyaraj, sdb

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“The journey to wholeness requires that you look honestly, openly, and with courage into yourself, into the dynamics that lie behind what you feel, what you perceive, what you value, and how you act.” (Gary Zukav)

So far, we have discussed on the importance of the philosophical basis, theoretical principles and essential qualities of wholeness. From now on, we shall try to understand how this wholeness can be practised in our day-to-day life. This in fact, is a great challenge: we cannot automatically become holistic persons, just because we have understood the concept of wholeness. The journey to wholeness requires a lot of hard work and perseverance. We need to possess certain essential qualities if we want to journey well on this path towards wholeness. As Gary Zukav affirmed, honesty, openness and courage are these essential qualities. These qualities will assist us in both clarifying our perspective of core values and the manner in which we put them to practice in our daily life.

The Wholeness Paradigm

It has been my long-time desire to create a paradigm based on wholeness as its core principle. Thus, the idea of the Wholeness Paradigm was initiated about 10 years ago and has been presented to groups of professionals, teachers, professors and the religious. Before we go on to explain the theory and practice of the wholeness paradigm, let us attempt to understand the meaning of the paradigm. A paradigm is a model, an exemplar or a pattern that can be followed or imitated. It is an archetype that can be replicated in different areas of life. In short, a paradigm is a set of ideas or beliefs based on which further theories and practices could be formed. Some examples of a paradigm are; the Indian cultural paradigm, an educational system, empowerment model of social work, etc.

Wholeness paradigm is thus, a model on which different categories of people can design their life. Parents, for example, can first of all, form themselves and then raise their children according to the wholeness paradigm. Educationists and teachers can model their teaching methodology and skills on this paradigm. Priests and religious too can follow this wholeness paradigm which will help them to experience fulfilment and happiness in their ministry.

Fr. Dr. Joseph Jeyaraj SDB

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“A life of wholeness does not depend on what we experience. Wholeness depends on how we experience our lives.” (Desmond Tutu).

The insights gleaned from the discussion on the flavours and factors of wholeness provides us an opportunity to summarise them as ‘Qualities of a holistic person’. Wholeness can neither be experienced in a vacuum nor in the clouds. It is experienced in and through our day-to-day life experiences. We would do well to remember that wholeness is a sum total of all that we are and all that we experience. It is possible to detect in holistic persons a harmonious integration of all that we discussed in the past four months.

Holistic people would continually stretch their ability to embrace the whole world and all it contains. In every experience they encounter, they would be looking for the broader picture, the underlying feelings, different perspectives present in that situation and the nature of the persons involved in that experience. Say for example, there is a misunderstanding between two people in a community, it may look obvious that one person is right and the other is wrong. If the leaders of communities are not holistic in their mindset, they would take the easy way out and take sides with the one who seems to be in the right. The holistic leaders, on the other hand, sense the bigger story, the underlying feelings between the two persons and any other agenda that might be involved in their misunderstanding. With this insightful observation, they would be able to offer a well-measured solution. In order to arrive at this balanced and equanimous mindset, holistic persons need to have a set of qualities and characteristics that will define their wholeness.

Fr Dr Joseph Jeyaraj SDB

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“Whole people see and create wholeness wherever they go; split people see and create splits in everything and everybody.” (Richard Rohr).

In the last issue, we discussed how Unity & Diversity and Relationship & Uniqueness are directly responsible for arriving at Wholeness. We reaffirmed that just as a religious community needs to be united in carrying out its mission, it also needs to respect the differences among its members. In the same way, only that community which respects the uniqueness of each of its members can also enjoy an all-inclusive relationship among themselves. In the present issue, we shall reflect on the importance of Context & Interiority.

What do we mean by ‘Context’? What do we mean by ‘Interiority’? In what manner do Context and Interiority impact our wholeness? Let us try to find answers to these questions here.

Let me begin by retelling a story that most of us would have heard. Once upon a time there was a remote monastery in a village. The monastery was very famous among the neighbouring villages because of the joy, peace and happiness that existed within it. There were 24 monks who lived in great unity. They spent their days in prayer, production of dairy products and wine and wrote many books. Their monastery was always full of people, coming in and going out, and enjoying the hospitality of the monks. In fact, there were more than 50 aspirants who wanted to become monks as well.

Fr. Dr. Joseph Jeyaraj SDB

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The Five Flavours of Wholeness that we discussed in the last issue reminded us that a HOLISTIC person possesses a broad vision of life, works in synchrony with others for a common purpose and contributes meaningfully wherever one is called to serve.  The obvious question at this point is, “How can we generate these five flavours of wholeness?” Tom Atlee, who described the Co-intelligence theory in great detail, enumerated six facets that can help us in generating wholeness. These six facets were; Unity, Diversity, Relationship, Uniqueness, Context and Interiority.

Although these facets seem to be six totally different elements, they manifest a very special dynamic among them. This special dynamic can be understood well when we make them into three pairs: Unity & Diversity, Relationship & Uniqueness, Context & Interiority. While each of them describes a facet of wholeness, when they are paired as above, they incorporate two seemingly opposite entities. While one of them manifests integration, the other manifests differentiation. For example, Unity stands for integration and Diversity stands for differentiation. In the same way, Relationships are a form of integration and Uniqueness is something that differentiates one person from another. This process of incorporating these seemingly two opposite entities can be called  dynamic coherence.

We would understand this concept well when it is perceived in the context of religious life. Seen in this perspective, both the opposite entities would take precedence over the other depending on the time and situation. Let us look at each of these three pairs one by one:

Fr Joseph Jeyaraj SDB

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Is it possible at all, to arrive at wholeness? – It would be no surprise if your mind has been grappling with this question after reading the previous issue. The three-dimensional description of wholeness that was presented there, would have kindled questions such as; “how is it possible for anyone, to be complete, to have perfect health and be without any flaw?”, “Would God expect us to be perfect like Him?” and, “Is it not foolhardy, even to aspire for such an impossible dream?” In fact, if you had had such questions, it is a very good sign. The very objective of this series is to find answers to these questions. Rather than answering these questions with easy or ready-made answers, let us attempt to understand the real meaning of wholeness.

‘Wholeness’ is a word replete with diverse meanings, levels and dimensions. There is also special dynamics that facilitate the relationship between different parts that make up the whole. It is essential to understand each of these different factors and put them into practice in our journey towards wholeness. Above all, wholeness is not merely a philosophical, psychological or a theological concept but a tangible and applicable entity that has a great impact on our every day life. In fact, a truly ‘holistic person’ would bear witness to the fact that it touches the core of our being and seeps into every fibre of our existence. In this essay, we shall discuss the five different flavours of the meaning of wholeness that we experience in our day-to-day lives.

Fr. Dr. Joseph Jeyaraj, sdb

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Dear friends,

Why this series of articles on wholeness in religious life? I am aware that the readers are people who were passionate about committing themselves wholly to God as they began their vocational journey. Yes indeed, we as religious are characterised by our deep desire for ‘complete commitment’ to God and His people. At the core of our being, we are focused on being disciples of Jesus with all of our heart, mind and soul. “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength” (Deuteronomy 6:5). Every time we hear these words, a wave of emotion engulfs as we are reminded of our total commitment. I am happy to co-journey with the readers in this psycho-spiritual search to understand the concept of wholeness in religious life. I term it as a psycho-spiritual journey because we will be discussing concepts that are common to both psychology and spirituality; themes such as wholeness, emotional maturity, physical and social well-being, life commitments, spiritual experiences, purpose of our life and love for God.

Our deepest desire for wholeness

One of the deepest desires in each of us is to possess wholeness in our lives. I for one, have been captivated as well as intrigued by the idea of wholeness for the past 25 years: captivated – because it just seems such a lofty and a sacred idea; intrigued – because it seems so idealistic and difficult. Now then, is it truly possible to attain wholeness or is it merely a utopian dream? The dictionary meaning of the word ‘wholeness’ reveals an under-lying philosophy of life. The Collins English Dictionary explains that “Wholeness is the quality of being complete or a single unit and not broken or divided into parts.” So, wholeness is being an integrated whole.

Fr. Dr. Joseph Jeyaraj Swaminathan SDB

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The last three psychology columns presented the importance and relevance of friendships within celibate living. The last of these presented some heterosexual attachment dynamics that we need to keep in mind. In this column, I present eleven personality characteristics and behaviours that contribute to maintaining man-woman relationships within a celibate commitment at healthy levels, and contribute to psychosexual maturity.

1. Clear Sense of Our Celibate Identity

To enter into close heterosexual relationships, with all the challenges they involve, we need to be psychologically mature. We need to have a reasonably sound self-identity before we can face the challenge of intimacy. We need to have clear notions of what it means to be a celibate. We need have some clarity with regard to its demands. We need to have a clear sense of our celibate boundaries and the capacity to deny gratification of impulses that would violate them.

      2. Seeing Friendship as a Gift

Friendship is a gift. If we do not have one, it may not be wise to go in search of one. A free gift of providence should not be forced or sought as an answer to a persistent need. Rather, our attitude should be one of relaxed and gracious openness to the offers of friendships that come our way. We accept them gratefully when they come our way, cherish and nourish them. If we look back on our lives, we realise how many friendships were offered to us, and how often we rejected them through one kind of fear or another. We don’t need to run after friendships or demand friendships from others; they will come to us.

FR. JOSE PARAPPULLY SDB

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