I was seventeen years old. In a few months I would go to the Salesian novitiate. I told my elder brother—an upright and well-educated man—something negative about a relative. His reply: “Joe, you are just repeating something negative you heard from someone. I don’t believe in giving advice, but I want to tell you this, now that you are on the threshold of adulthood. Think for yourself. Don’t just repeat what you hear.”
An excellent tip. I never heard him talk ill of anyone. It was good he confronted me. I should learn to think for myself and develop my own convictions, rather than repeat what I hear, especially if it is something negative.
No one is perfect.
We all need confrontation—to be challenged lovingly and firmly to be at our best, rather than do evil or stay mediocre.
Confrontation is not the act of humiliating someone or insulting a person. A superior or formator (in our religious circles) has no right to scream and shout at younger members or embarrass them. This sadly happens at times, but it is wrong. Worse still, cruelty and partiality are at times justified in the name of correction and helping the younger members.
The basic norm of morality is to treat others as we want to be treated. None of us likes to be treated unfairly or shouted at or insulted. So, we know how others want to be treated.
One day, when I was teaching in the major seminary, a seminarian told me, “You superiors write reports about us and send them to our bishops. Instead of that, when you see me making a mistake, why don’t you call me privately and correct me?”
Fr Joe Mannath SDB
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