“Look to him and be radiant, so that your faces shall never be ashamed.” (Psalm 34:5). This was the theme chosen as the motto on my final profession day. It was December 8th, 2021, the day I like to remember as a memorable one.
I lost my mother two years back. I felt her absence very much. Tears started to roll down. At that moment, I just said, “Jesus, I am feeling very sad. I just surrender to you as I am.” The very next moment, I could experience the presence of my mummy along with Jesus and Mother Mary very close to me. I experienced my sorrow turning into indescribable joy. Throughout that celebration, I was overwhelmed with joy and peace. This was an eye opener for me once again: The one whom I decided to follow never allows me to be ashamed or sorrowful.
Difficult Choice
For me, it was very difficult to choose my vocation—whether to become a religious or choose married life. I saw both of them as good for me. My home is a heaven on earth for me, where I experience the love of God. The way my parents and siblings lived in the family always remain in my heart as an inspiration and motivation.
I really liked religious life as well. I was just waiting to know the will of God for me. So, I completed my 10th and 12th, and went to Mangalore to do B. Sc Nursing. There I was acquainted with the Jesus Youth (JY) movement. After completing my studies, I went to Mysore as a JY mission nurse for one year. After that, I went to Mumbai to work as a staff nurse. All these years I was blessed with amazing experiences –loving gifts from a loving God. He was my Father who comforted me in all my troubles, and I was His little tiny creature, who knew only to cling to Him.
Finally, the time came for me to make a decision. I was twenty-four years old. At home marriage proposals were awaiting. Apart from that, many options were open, like M. Sc Nursing and job opportunities from abroad. In the meantime, I got a job in a multispecialty hospital at Calicut.
But my mind was not at peace. How to understand the will of God? Which way of life to choose? I was in confusion. I prayed for forty days. I did not get any answer. I went for a retreat. The struggle within my soul increased day by day. I felt that I was in boiling oil.
God’s OK to My Decision
One night, before going to bed, I said to Jesus, ‘Lord, if I choose something against your will, I prefer to die.’ Then I slept off. That night, I had a dream. ‘Two priestly hands broke the big consecrated Host (which usually priests consume) and dipped in the wine from a chalice and gave to me. I received.’ The next day, when I got up from the sleep, this dream was very fresh in my mind. I became aware that the agony and pain I was going through had vanished and my soul was flooded with peace. I felt very light and thought I might fly.
As the day went on, I realized there was no more confusion in my mind. One choice stood out: to embrace religious life. I got a chance to go for a counselling session. A lady counsellor prayed for me and told me, “You have taken a new decision. God is putting a tick mark on it.” This message was a confirmation for me. “The one who called me is faithful, I am going to be with Him.” This thought was resounding in my heart. It was also as an answer to all the questions that came up.
The whole summary of religious life was presented to me during my novitiate. In the first year, I felt it was an unexpected banquet prepared by God in order to quench the thirst of my soul. I had an unfathomable intimacy with the Lord. I become a drop of blood in the depths of His heart. It was enriched with deep spiritual experiences and moments of union with God.
Sr Bini Thomas SMMI
To read the entire article, click Subscribe
