One day, the rector of a house of formation shared this bit of self-awareness. “Some of our students of philosophy told me,” he said, “‘Father, you seem to notice us only when we make a mistake.’ I thought about this, and found that they are right. Often they work hard to prepare a feast, and I don’t say a word of appreciation. I don’t notice and appreciate the things they do well.”
This priest’s genuineness, including his readiness to admit his mistakes, wins him the trust of those in his care.
A seminarian expressed his tremendous admiration for his theology professor, Father Jason: “He does not bluff us. If he does not know the answer to a question, he will admit it honestly, or tell us that he will check the answer and tell us in the next class. This is why we trust him.”
This readiness to admit one’s limitations and mistakes is part of being mature. A number of honest secular persons think this is sadly missing in many “religious” persons.
Here is a passage from the autobiography of one of the most brilliant thinkers of the twentieth century—Bertrand Russell. Writing in his nineties, he recalls his undergraduate days at Cambridge University. Russell says that the one thing of lasting value he learnt at Cambridge was intellectual honesty. “I do not remember,” he says, “Any professor taking it ill that a mistake was pointed out to him.” Recalling an experiment on thermo-statics, he tells us how a student raised this question: “Sir, aren’t you overlooking the centrifugal forces on the lid?” The professor stopped the experiment and told the young student: “I have been doing it this way for years, but you are right.”
Older people who have authority over the young—parents, teachers, formators, priests, superiors—claim to have the right to correct those in our care. Fair enough! But we should not forget that we too are imperfect, fallible human beings who need correction. We are not God! We have no right to expect the young to be open to correction if we do not exhibit that openness ourselves. One of the best ways we help them to be open to correction is (as in other matters) to set an example.
While teaching Master’s Degree students in Chicago, I found that each student was given a form to assess my teaching. Their evaluation of my classes would be collected by the director, who would summarize it, and give me a copy. Teachers do need such feedback. And students have a write to have their views heard.
What about parents?
Here is a precious lesson from a family I know. One evening, after the family prayers, Donald, the youngest son, told his father, “Father, you taught me the Our Father. We recited it this evening, too. In it we are asking God to forgive us as we forgive others. But I have heard that you and your elder brother are not on talking terms for seventeen years!”
The parents were shocked to hear their child’s honest comment. They sat up the whole night talking this over. Early morning, they told Donald, “Come with us. We are going to visit your uncle.” They went.
The uncle could not believe his eyes—his estranged younger brother coming to visit him after years. Donald’s father told his son to tell the uncle why they had come. Then, a heart-warming scene followed: the two brothers, who had not talked to each other for seventeen years, hugged each other and wept.
Donald’s father had taken his son’s words as a correction coming from God. The Lord can correct us through anyone—through our children, our students, our friends, or even strangers. Often others see us more correctly than we do.
Want to get such feedback?
A simple way of getting honest feedback is to tell the group you are working with, very sincerely: “Just as I point out your good points and defects, I will be grateful if you tell me what you find helpful and not helpful in the way I deal with you. If you like, we can have an anonymous written evaluation of our different sectors of life. Know that I will not be offended if you point out things you find unhelpful. You will not be punished for doing this. This way, we can build a more open and loving home, and help each other to grow up.”
Your saying it once will not convince the young that you really mean it. Reason: They may not be used to such open superiors, or they may have had the experience of making suggestions to a more senior person and getting a scolding for doing it.
In a particular college, the sister principal asked for frank feedback on a number of things. Trusting her, one of the professors (a laywoman) wrote a detailed signed feedback, indicating several positive and a few negative things. Others chose to flatter the principal and speak ill of her behind her back. Later, the one who wrote the feedback found that the principal became unfriendly. The flatterers felt they were smarter!
If you want to hear only good things about yourself, do not ask for feedback! If you ask for suggestions or criticism, you must be open to it, and determined to correct what you need to correct, like the rector in my first story.
Here is a lesson I learnt from a friar who was an experienced spiritual director. I was a young professor then and reluctant to accept students for spiritual direction, since I felt very raw and inexperienced. His advice was: “Do not refuse those who come to you for help.” The best part was the reason he gave me. He did not say that I would help them much. What he did tell me was: “God will help you through them.”
God will teach us many things through the young people in our care, if we are ready to learn. If we are open to such learning, they, in their turn, will trust us, and be willing to learn from us.
Dad, you taught me the Our Father. We recited it this evening, too. In it we are asking God to forgive us as we forgive others. But i have heard that you and elder brother are not on talking terms for seventeen years
– Fr. Joe Mannath SDB
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