Anil is manager of a small manufacturing firm. There are about thirty employees who report directly to him and take orders from him. Most of them dislike him. Many would prefer to work elsewhere if they had an option. The firm is doing pretty badly businesswise. Profits are down since the time Anil took over. One major reason is that Anil is a very “bossy” boss. He believes he knows what is best for the firm and makes all the decisions on his own and expects workers to follow strictly the strategy that he chalks out.
Sister Sushila is the newly appointed principal of a school run by a religious community. Soon after she reached her community, Sushila told Sr. Joan, the community leader. “Sister, I really need you to help me. I like you to tell me what I should do. You have so much experience.” Joan, an exceptionally non-controlling leader who wanted her members to take as much initiative as possible, told her. “It is good to ask my opinion if you really need to. I shall certainly help if needed.”
Very soon, Joan began to feel overburdened with Sushila’s frequent requests for advice and help. Sushila was reluctant to take even small decisions on her own, and needed constant reassurance from Joan. When teachers would come to her for some opinion or permission, Sushila would tell them, “I shall tell you later.” She needed to consult Joan.
Anil was excessively controlling, while Sushila was excessively dependent. Neither of them showed emotional maturity. Neither of them possessed the balance of autonomy and dependence, not having too much or too little of either, which is an important characteristic of an emotionally mature person.
Autonomy
In an earlier column we had noted that one of the three basic psychological needs we all have is the need for autonomy. According to psychologists Richard Ryan and Edward Deci, who specialise in the study of human wellbeing and happiness, autonomy refers to the freedom we need to make choices, to have a say on matters that affect us, to give direction to our own life. Autonomy is the capacity to think and act independently. Autonomy enables us to take initiatives and do things own our own and in the way we want.
Dependence
Dependence is reliance on others. When we are dependent, we rely on the opinions and advice of others; we take their help. This dependence is an important part of our daily lives.
We are social beings. We need each other. We cannot always get things done on our own. We need the help of others. An emotionally mature person knows one’s limits, knows what one can do and not do, and when to ask for help and when to act independently.
Excess
But sometimes we become over-dependent. We want help from others even when can manage on our own, but believing that we can’t do on our own. This prevents us from taking initiative. We look for assurance from others before we set out to do anything. We have an excessive dependence on others’ opinions and decisions even though there is no basis for believing that others are superior or wiser.
This kind of over-dependence arises from our insecurities, which have their foundation in our childhood experiences that have been described in previous columns, especially when we discussed Attachment Theory.
Some of us, on the other hand, are over-autonomous. We act independently even in situations where we need to and are expected to consult others and work together with others. We act as we please without consideration for others’ opinions or needs. We avoid delegating tasks and responsibilities to others. We end up with too many things to do. However, we prefer to exhaust ourselves rather than give up control.
This kind of over-autonomy leads to individualism—an egoistic tendency to act independently with little reference to others. Individualism has a very destructive impact on any group or community. Individualism evokes anger and resentment in other members of the group, vitiates the environment, lowers morale and commitment to task and leads to diminished group productivity.
Balance Rooted in Self-Confidence
To have balance between autonomy and dependence, we need self-confidence. When we are confident, we have assurance about standards and convictions of our own without being a slave to the opinions of others. We engage in independent thought and action; we feel we have the right to have ideas, aspirations and wishes of our own. We have the confidence that we can get things done, that we can achieve things on our own.
When we have the right balance between autonomy and dependence, we are able to collaborate with others, as well as accept help from others. We give our opinions, express our wants without embarrassment or fear of rejection. We also know when collaboration may not be helpful and prefer to do things own our own.
Roots of Emotional Distress
A comment by Dr. Laura Vaz, the Key Note Speaker at the Conference on Emotional Health of Clergy and Religious organised some years ago by the Salesian Psychological Association in Mumbai, is relevant. Vaz is a clinical psychologist and has had several religious as her psychotherapy clients. She observed that one of the major causes for the emotional distress many of her women religious clients suffer from is over-dependency on their superiors. They are too submissive, too reluctant to act on their own or express opinions of their own, and at the same time resentful when decisions taken are not according to their expectations.
The culture of our religious communities often makes us over-dependent. Autonomy is not encouraged, rather it is considered to be a sign of pride, and superiors often go out of their way to stifle that “pride” and keep the religious humble!
The relationship between a community leader and the members is often infantile—like that between a mother and a child, even though every member of a community is an adult. Leaders often demand that members ask permission for every little thing. Not much scope is given for initiative and creativity. My own psychotherapy practice has shown me that many of the problems that religious women have, especially their depression, are partly caused by a community leader who does not know how to treat the members of her community as adult women.
In many Indian communities young people are under the authority of parents who are used to making decisions for their sons and daughters. Growing up in a typical Indian family, where a boy or girl hardly makes any major decisions, it becomes almost second nature to the young man or woman to do what those in authority ask them to do, or to wait for them to make the decisions.
The ability to think for oneself, and make choices and decisions based on one’s own internal convictions characterise an emotionally mature person. At the same time such a person is also capable of depending on and collaborating with others as necessitated by situations.
Such emotionally mature persons are able to relate well to others and also to be effective professionally.
For Reflection:
- What have been your experiences in regard to autonomy and dependence?
- Do you see yourself as a person who has a helpful balance of autonomy and dependence? Why, or why not?
- What is it you need to increase and what to decrease—autonomy or dependence? Why?
What is it you need to do for a better balance of autonomy and dependence?
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