A young woman with a Ph.D. in aerospace engineering, starting with no inclination towards religious life, felt and followed a call deeper than career or marriage. Here is the unusual story of Sr Benedicta, formerly Roschelle, born in Kuwait, educated in Mumbai and Pune, specializing in scramjet engines.
I was born in Kuwait and came to India just before the Gulf war of 1991. I grew up in Mumbai as a child. After my schooling and Junior College, I went on to complete my graduation in Physics from St. Xaviers’ College and then I did my Masters in Space Science from Pune University. After a gap of one year, I registered for a PhD at the Defence Institute of Advanced Technology, Pune.
I was an ordinary Mumbaikar and just like any other person, I didn’t show any signs of or an inclination towards religious life. My family was not overtly pious either and my parents’ faith was rather simple. Having no religious or priest in our family, my mother had a great desire to see my elder brother become one. Thus, in this context, whenever anybody asked me what I wanted to become when I grew up, I would say very innocently that I wanted to be a Nun. Along the years however, I forgot all about it.
During my initial years in Pune, I completely gave up any form of personal prayer. I tried to be a good Sunday Catholic by attending mass every week but at times I skipped that too. My research work kept me busy and I enjoyed it. Any free time was spent with friends or reading. But God was not a priority for me at all. From time to time, I did experience some uneasiness due to this lack of a relationship with God, but I managed to brush it aside.
One year, during the Lenten season, I decided that I must start praying again and wished to seek some more clarity about my faith! Eventually I came across the Liturgy of the Hours and took it up as my Lenten prayer. I had never before prayed the psalms, but very soon I began to love this form of prayer. At times I zealously took to praying all five hours of the office. But, I found it difficult to keep it going. Eventually, I did give it up for a while. There was however an urge in me to begin again and so, sometimes even after a gap of a few months, I found myself resuming this prayer. My appreciation and participation at mass was also enriched on account of this.
My studies were all directed towards a profession and I had a fair idea about what I wanted to do. But I didn’t know what my vocation in life was! What did God want of me? What was His plan for me? What was my specific purpose and mission in the world? I wasn’t looking for anything extraordinary or fancy. It could have been a very simple and mundane role… that of a good wife and a mother or of being a dedicated researcher/teacher and I would have been content being that! Besides this, my parents were keen on getting me married as well. Being open to marriage, I did meet a couple of boys too and although they were really good people and there was no reason to say no, I realized that God did not want this of me! I read somewhere that, “The universal call is to HOLINESS.” I then found myself discerning as to what state of life God wanted me to choose!
I spent some of my free time reading about faith matters and listening to podcasts often during my travels. These were initially very edifying but they left me wanting for more. I soon realized that I knew a lot ‘about’ Jesus, but I question if I really did know Jesus! I had a longing and a desire to have a personal relationship with Him and to truly be in love with Him. During these discerning times, I also met a priest who explained to me the deeper significance of the Liturgy and of living out the Paschal Mystery as a true Christian. Although I did not understand how that could be done, I knew that I wanted to experience that oneness with God through the Paschal Mystery. I took a while to decide whether I wanted to join a religious congregation or just lead a dedicated single life searching for God’s will!
Then one day, I came to the Cloistered Carmelite Monastery, with my assistant parish priest to buy some hosts. When we were entering the premises, he jokingly asked me when I would join them and in the same vein I answered that if I ever joined a convent, I’d probably join a cloistered one! Neither of us was serious about anything that we said! However, when the Sister answered the bell, just on an impulse I asked if I could make a discernment retreat with them in this regard. I later met the Mother Prioress a couple of times and finally she told me that I could enter for the “Come and See” programme. I was very excited about entering a Cloistered Monastery and experiencing life there in, and was not at all nervous but looked at it as a real adventure.
The ten days that I was there, passed by very quickly. Life was peaceful; the community was very warm and loving and I felt as though I was living with saints. It was during that time that I was certain that God was calling me to religious life! I was seeking an answer from the Lord for a long time but, when I did get it, it frightened me!
The demands of a contemplative life seemed too challenging! I could not imagine giving up everything that I cherished so dearly: my family, my friends, my education, my own ambitions, my plans and above all my independence, as I had been living alone for almost ten years! Besides this, obedience was something practically alien to me. After those ten days, I came out and continued my life as usual. In fact, I did my best to distract myself with many things! But nothing seemed to satisfy me! I spoke to a few priests and, although nobody discouraged me from choosing a contemplative life, they did suggest that I consider an Apostolic Congregation because of my educational background. I personally felt that religious life was not the same as social work. I could teach even as a lay person. If I had to choose religious life, it had to be more radical. Finally, after three months of dodging the call, I decided to join.
It was challenging to break this news to my family! Though I had told my mother about the possibility of joining, I could not face my father! When I did break the news to them, my family was hoping that I would change my mind! But when I told them definitively that I wanted to join and gave them a date, they were totally crushed. My parents are strong people and are not easily dejected but I saw them completely broken then! These were painfully difficult moments for all of us. Although I put on a brave face in these times, I was overcome with great fear as I didn’t know what to expect because the future was so bleak. I felt I was dying, that everything I ever had was just slipping out of my hands. I wanted to hold on to something, but I felt that I was totally helpless. All I could see was that I was the cause of great sorrow to everyone around me.
In these moments, I did leave everything in the hands of God! I felt that at times God was silent but He didn’t leave me alone. His support came through my brother and sister-in-law, who were very encouraging and proud of my decision, and from a priest friend who also supported me greatly through his prayers. In the days preceding my entrance, I met many of my relatives and friends. Though quite many of them were against this decision of mine, eventually they did accept my choice and even convinced my father to allow me to enter! I entered the Carmelite Monastery on the 2nd Feb 2015.
Having been here for two years now, I see how mysterious and yet marvellous God’s ways are. Although I still do feel the pain of separation from loved ones and many other things, I see that this life has been the answer to my prayers. Even though I did not really understand what I was asking for, God understood! There are days when I struggle a lot, but I do realize that it is within the confines of this cloister, through this life of prayer and self-denial, that I will be able give myself completely to Jesus and participate “fully, actively and consciously” in His Paschal Mystery!
– Sr Benedicta of the Holy Face, OCD, Cloistered Carmel of God the Father (Pune)
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