In the past thirty years or so, I have given seminars on “Psycho-Sexual Integration and Celibacy” to a few thousand religious all over India. We look at the meaning of human sexuality, its God-given beauty, power and impact, and ways of becoming mature women and men. We then go on to examine the meaning and implications of this somewhat strange choice some of us make, namely, life-long celibacy, which implies saying No to two of life’s deepest and most life-giving experiences—spousal love and parenthood. The meaning of this way of life is less and less clear today, not only to those of other faiths, but even to Catholics, since many married people do the kinds of work and spiritual services that celibates do.
Two big socio-economic changes have affected the number of celibates drastically: smaller families and higher standards of living. When families were larger—with five to ten children—it was no big deal for a family that one or more daughters or sons chose celibate priesthood or religious life. When the number of children is two, parents—even devout Catholics—are not keen that the kids choose religious life or priesthood. This has happened all over the world.
Of the three vows Catholic religious make, the most striking is celibacy. It really makes us clearly different from most human beings. As for poverty, most of us do not really live poor lives of deprivation. Our living standards are comfortable, like those of the middle class, and, at times even the upper middle class. We are financially more secure than most people in India.
As for obedience, every person—whether a bus driver or manager in an IT firm—is under some form of authority. It is celibacy that sets us apart.
Young religious who attend college are generally bombarded with questions from classmates: “You don’t like girls/boys? Won’t you miss sex? Don’t you want to have children? How can you live like this? Come on, this is not possible! You look normal; why don’t you marry? You can do social work as a married person; why stay single?”
Very understandable questions. Normal and sensible.
- HUMAN SEXUALITY
- Sexuality—my being a man or a woman—affects us in the way we think, behave, relate, and even pray. We exist as women and men, not as pieces of furniture with no emotions. There is no moment of the day when I am not a man or woman. My being a man or woman is not restricted to any particular activity, but constitutes what I am.
- Sexuality is at the root of some of the most beautiful and central realities of life. Without it, we would not have a family, or mother and father, brothers and sisters. Much of the world’s art and literature are inspired by man-woman love. The two deepest and most lasting emotions human beings can experience are man-woman love and parental feeling. Both are rooted in sexuality. When I say that God created me, what I mean is: God endowed my mother and father with normal bodies and sexual passion. Hence, we should never refer to sexuality or marriage as something negative, or lower, or less holy.
- There is no evidence that more prayerful persons have weaker sexual feelings, or that those with stronger sexual feelings are not spiritual. Just as a good and generous person can struggle with hot temper, a deeply spiritual person can have strong sexual feelings. On the other extreme, just because I have no great sexual battles, I need not be a good celibate; I may be mean, cruel or cold, or wallowing in mediocrity.
- Men and women differ in the way they experience sexuality—and the ages at which sexual feelings are most intense. Most men—seminarians, for instance—experience strong sexual desires in their teens and twenties (and later). Many women—candidates and young religious, for example—can join the convent without experiencing strong sexual feelings, and find that, years later, when they are in their 30s or 40s, and already in their final vows, they experience stronger sexual feelings than they did in their teens or twenties. They need help and guidance, and a safe setting to understand what is happening, and how to grow through it. This longing need not mean that the woman made a wrong choice. But she needs someone to talk this over with, to learn to integrate sexuality in her celibate life, or to make other choices, if that is better.
- Cultures differ very much in their understanding of what is right and proper in sexuality or man-woman relationships or modesty. If a religious or priest works in a culture different from the one in which he grew up, he/she needs to understand that culture, rather than judge it by the criteria of one’s original culture. What one culture considers normal may be unacceptable in another setting (e.g., dating). What one group abhors may be more accepted elsewhere (e.g., children born out of wedlock).
- Individuals differ greatly in the intensity of their sexual feelings. Just as two women or two men can differ in intelligence or humour or cheerfulness, they can differ in sex drive. We need to understand and help individuals.
- More persons—especially women—have been victims of sexual abuse than earlier believed. Sexual abuse (sexual activity of an adult with a minor) takes place mostly in the family, and has very serious emotional consequences. Much of it is covered up by the family. According to the estimate of the Indian Ministry for Women and Children, 53% of children in India are sexually abused. This is a very high percentage. More people need healing than we think. Many survivors of abuse are afraid of speaking about it.
- Gender equality is a question of justice, and a measure that will benefit all of us. Both in society and in the church, women are still not treated as respected equals. A recent survey in India showed, for instance, that a significant number of both men and women approve of marital violence by the husband in certain situations! Our formation houses should include good courses on women’s issues and feminist contributions.
- We all need to relate to both men and women. Without such normal contacts, we are emotionally mutilated and increase, rather than diminish, problems in celibate living. More and more settings—of both studies and ministry—are mixed, and this is a healthy change. In this new setting, we need to train celibate men and women how to develop healthy relationships that make them open to more and more people. In training programmes for religious, for instance, I prefer a mixed group any day over an all-male or all-female group.
- SPOUSAL LOVE AND PARENTHOOD are among life’s best things, and a holy vocation. You need very good reasons for saying No to them, and staying single. Just to teach or be a nurse or do social work or write accounts or be a principal—none of these jobs is a good enough reason for choosing celibacy. Plus: just staying single to do some work is not the meaning of celibacy. What is it, then?
Fr Joe Mannath SDB
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