Are you happy? Or better, how happy are you? Here is LESSON NUMBER ONE on happiness: No one else can give it you. Circumstances cannot cause it. You have to build it—on seven strong pillars. If these pillars are strong, you will be a happy person—even when things do not go the way you like. If not, you will be waiting—in vain—for events or people to bring you happiness. They will not. Seven strong pillars. Seven secrets—which, deep down, all of us know
1. LOVE
The surest way of becoming
I had a simple and dramatic illustration of this at a seminar for psychologists. Geeta, a counsellor and therapist in her early forties, came for a chat. She had gone through a phase, she said, when her enthusiasm was waning, and she found herself more and more unhappy. She asked herself: What is happening? What can I do about this? She came to this simple conclusion: Whatever the setting, I can bring more love into it. “Once I made this mental shift and acted on it,” she said, smiling, “I have been happy.” In fact, she lived this truth in the seminar itself. After getting her room, she asked the organizers, “Do you need any help?” “Yes, we do. Can you help to distribute the material?” She did this readily. This readiness was the fruit of the mental shift he had made: I can bring more love into any setting I am in. This is the simplest, most practical secret of happiness— not waiting to be looked after, but reaching out in love. We are hurt most in relationships. We are healed best through relationships. Both our greatest sufferings and our deepest joys are linked to relationships. Do you agree? Happiness? The most frequent experiences of happiness are linked to relationships—being with someone we love, doing something for someone out of love, thinking of someone dear to us, receiving a sign of love from someone. The September issue of MAGNET presented a research (under “Psychology and Life”) showing how the greatest help for health and happiness as we grow older is cultivating close friendships. Beena, a seminar participant, whose radiant face was a treat, said: “I learned this from my mother,” she said. “Whatever her troubles, she went about cheerfully, making others happy. I learnt from her that we can think of others, and keep ourselves happy.” We will be tempted to take short-cuts or seek comfort and escape in selfishness; this may even appear clever to us—to refuse to help, to put down someone else, to shun sacrifices or get someone else to do the harder jobs—but we will soon discover that selfishness—using people for our immediate satisfaction or advantage—leads to unhappiness and the weight of a lonely heart bereft of love. In fact, research shows that, if depressed people reach out to help others, their depression weakens, and they feel happier. If you want to be happy, don’t postpone the decision to love—and to be happy—to a vague future. Decide to do at least three loving things today, without expecting any reward. And, at the end of the day, before you to go to sleep, check what are things you did out of love today. Those are the best things you will have done today, and the ones most likely to make you deeply happy.
2. Faith
If you want to be happy, get close to God
Abundant research evidence has convinced psychologists that people who pray, people whom are more active in their religious practices, live longer, enjoy better health and are able to handle the stresses of life far better. Fr. M. M. Balaguer SJ, whom I was privileged to have as my spiritual guide for a while, explained to me the secret of his remarkable serenity and inner strength. “In everything that happens to you,” he would tell me, with deep conviction, “The Lord has a message for you.” Want to try it? You will see that it works. The next time something happens that upsets or disappoints you, instead of shouting and grumbling or withdrawing into a bad mood, ask yourself: “What is the Lord telling me through this?” Some people are deeply rooted in that awareness. Such was the case of Barbara, a brilliant medical professional working with the US State Department. When she needed serious surgery, and, being a doctor herself, knew the risks involved, she wrote to ask for prayers. She had complications of brain and heart functions, and anesthesia itself could be dangerous. Knowing all this, what did she ask me to pray for? “Joe,” she wrote, “Please pray that I may learn whatever I am meant to learn from this experience.” Faith does not remove all pain from life, not give us easy answers. But it can provide an anchor, a sense of our worth, a sense of hope in the face of despair, tremendous inner strength to face struggles light and heavy. It makes us see ourselves as significant loved ones who matter for Someone who really cares. This is why I consider Lorraine one of the best lifeteachers I have ever had. Lorraine laughed a lot, although she was in the final stages of cancer, and knew it. One day, she invited two of us for dinner, a meal she herself cooked. When we went to her house, we saw a huge stuffed toy: a large rabbit holding a baby rabbit in its arms. Lorraine explained: “When I bought it, the two rabbits were standing, holding hands. I unstitched the fingers, and put the baby rabbit in the mother rabbit’s arms, and stitched the arms of the mother rabbit around the little rabbit.” The reason: “Because that is how I feel in the arms of God.” She maintained her trust—and her hearty laughter—right through the remaining months up to her death. Life is not easy for anyone. Don’t expect it to be a cakewalk. If you want to be happy in the mixture of heartaches and smiles that is everyone’s lot, have a strong, solid anchor that will keep your ship safe. That anchor, that rootedness in love, is what faith is about. It is probably the surest foundation for a happy life.
3. Purpose
If you want to be happy, live for something!
Sheena, a young woman who longed to have a baby, but found, after repeated medical treatments, that she would not be able to conceive, told me of the emptiness in her life. This changed dramatically after she and husband decided to adopt a baby. Now she feels that her life has a purpose. She is ready to make any sacrifice for the child. Parenthood gives most people a strong sense of purpose. So does commitment to a mission. A friend once gave me a poster: “Hold fast to dreams; for, when dreams die, life becomes a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.” Do you have great dreams? What dreams are you following? What makes you come alive? What difference do you want to make? By the time you die, what good will you have done? One simple way to check your dreams and sense of purpose is to ask yourself what upsets you or makes you angry. If you have no great dreams, nothing worthwhile to pursue, you will be upset by tiny problems. You will get into a bad mood because the food was not tasty, or because someone criticized you, or your bed was not comfortable. If, instead, you are pursuing worthwhile goals, these minor irritations will strike you for what they are—mere pinpricks. You can handle these and much more. You can find purpose in looking after a family, or in being committed to a cause (e.g., education of poor girls), or pursuing a religious ideal (e.g., bring God’s love, especially to the sick and the suffering), or in accepting suffering for an ideal you believe in (e.g., to die for one’s country, or to bear hunger to feed one’s children, or to make sacrifices for the people we work for). A research published in in March 2015 showed that those with a high sense of purpose have lower rates of heart disease and early death. What you live for defines you more truly than what you have, or what others think of you. If you are gripped by something worthwhile you really believe in, and sacrifice yourself readily to achieve that goal, you will be among the happiest of human beings. For it is purpose, not pleasure, that supplies us happiness in a steady dose.
4. Gratitude
Want to be Happy? Be Grateful
We were about to start our supper, when Katherine, the mother of the family, turned to one of her sons and said, “Tommy, you start today.” Tommy told us: “I am happy because I met one of my good friends today.” Then, each of them shared with the rest of the family something good they had experienced that day. This is what they do every evening, as they sit down for supper. Katherine taught the family this wise and beautiful practice—to end the day on a note of gratitude. The easiest and most accessible road to happiness is gratitude. Right now, as you are reading this page, you can be grateful for eye sight and health, for life and family, for friends and freedom, for so many other blessings you normally take for granted, or you can ruin your mood by recalling something unpleasant, or be settling scores in your head. Another happy family I know learned from their mother to count their blessings. She herself is an example of this. Once, when she had gone to the shrine of Our Lady in Vailanganni and come back, I asked her what she had prayed for. I thought she had gone there to pray for her seriously ill husband and their six children. The answer she gave me was a lesson in wisdom. “I had so many things to thank God for, that I did not have time to ask for anything,” she said. Suppose you miss a bus. What is your normal reaction? To feel irritated and grumble, or to think: “Thank God I have enough health. I can walk.” Or: “This is no major tragedy; there are always other options.” Every one of us gets a mixed bag. Life is not all pleasant for some and all hardship for others. Each person is handed a bag made up of easy, pleasant, hard, trying, enjoyable and painful experiences. The art of happiness is to consciously notice the good—e.g., health, family, loving people, safety, talents, freedom, opportunities—and to be grateful to God and to people, and to know that we have the resources for handling the hard part. The happiest people are not those having an easy life. They are persons who have learnt to count their blessings, and not waste precious energy focusing on the negative. An experiment on the link between gratitude and happiness is found on Youtube. Those who recalled the person they were grateful to, and phoned and told the person about this, showed a remarkable increase in happiness. An Austrian artist-psychologist called David SendahlRast became a monk. He writes and speaks on happiness. Every night, before going to sleep, he writes down something for which he has not yet thanked God. He has been doing it for years, and yet—this is striking and beautiful—he finds something new every day. Think of that: something new every night for which he has not yet thanked God. Aren’t we, in comparison, blind and unaware? Want to try what Brother David has tried? Try it tonight to begin with, and you will notice how incredibly blessed you are, and how much there really is to celebrate. Happiness will follow.
5. Forgiveness
If you want to be happy, learn to forgive!
When we forgive, we get rid of poison. We get rid of one of the major obstacles to our happiness—the tendency to keep grudges, nurse hatred and fill our hearts with bitterness and rancour. When we say things like, “But I have every reason to be angry!” or “If you knew what happened, you would know why I hate him so,” we may be “right” logically, but we are damaging ourselves. Hatred and bitterness burrow deep into our soul, and take away our peace and happiness. A priest friend of mine, whom I have always found to be serene and happy, shared his secret with me. At his golden jubilee celebration, he told us, with evident sincerity, that he had never been unhappy. Once, when he had been unfairly criticized and even calumniated, I told him I admired the serenity with which he faced the unjust attacks. His answer was deep and simple: “When someone speaks ill of me, I pray extra for that person.” Much unhappiness is rooted in our selective memories. (This is true of happiness as well.) If I come to the end of the day, and tend to dwell on the hurts I received, and forget the goodness that came my way, I cause my own misery. It is not the hurts that bear fruits of bitterness; it is, rather, my foolish habit of dwelling on negative experiences, forgetting all the good I have seen and received. The memories we tend to relive are the main cause of our high or low moods; they slowly turn us into positive or bitter individuals. No doubt the Buddha said, “our own unguarded thoughts can harm us more than our worst enemies.” Once I understand that God uses both pleasant and unpleasant settings to form me, that everyone around me need not treat me as I like, that, rather than wait for others to understand me, I need to see God’s plans for me, my whole way of looking at life is transformed. Life does not become easy overnight; people do not become angels. But, I find a new vision that transforms my inner world and makes it radiant. To quote the Buddha again, “Being angry is like carrying burning coals in your hand, and expecting others to get burnt.” Some psychologists use a half-humorous and wise expression: “Don’t give your enemies free accommodation in your head!” You and I would not invite the shadiest or most violent characters to live in our house, would we? Much less would we do this free of charge! And yet, when we entertain hatred, or refuse to let go of hurts, we are giving free board and lodging to precisely the experiences and memories that damage us most. Is this wise?
6. Simplicity
of Life Don’t confuse “needs” and “wants”
“What can we give a man who has everything?” asked Tim’s son. We all laughed. Tim was one of the happiest people in the parish, a person held in high esteem by most, who had come up the hard way. Tim kept his life very simple. Everyone who knew him was aware of that. With his usual happy expression, Tim responded: “It is not that I have everything. But I learnt early in life to distinguish between what I want and what I need. That has kept me happy.” His is one of the hardest stories I know, and one of the most inspiring. It was no joke losing your father when you were just seven and having to promise your dying dad that you would look after your mother, your paralyzed granny and your younger brother! Tim promised, and he kept his promise. Watch the short video of Mrs Sudha Murthy of Bangalore being interviewed. The interviewer is shocked to see that this woman, who could have all the luxuries she wants, leads an utterly simple life. She dislikes shopping, and wants nothing that she does not need—and she is very happy being this way. While travelling with one of the Brothers of the Taizé Community (an ecumenical group based in France), I was struck by his very simple life-style—dress, demeanour, food, travel. He then shared a personal conviction, “Whenever I get back to France from India, I get rid of some more things in my room. I am convinced that affluence leads to unhappiness.” Affluence leading to unhappiness? Aren’t our TV commercials telling us the exact opposite of that? And don’t many of us—lay people, priests, religious—end up swallowing the commercials? We add more and more unnecessary things to our life, often justifying the luxury with the excuse they were gifts. Slowly our witness goes down the drain; our peace of mind vanishes. When Jesus spoke the Beatitudes, he was really talking to the poor. “Happy are you, poor!” must have sounded like absolute nonsense to many. A priest working in an urban U. S. parish told me, “The highest rate of suicides in our town is in the most affluent areas.” I am not staying that material things are bad. No, we need them to a certain extent. We all need food, clothes, a home, medicines, books and means of travel. What I am saying that is that there is no end to the list of things we would like to have—the many “good” things that can clutter our life or even become on obsession. Have you realized that, to enjoy the beauty of a rose, that flower does not have to be in your garden? To enjoy music, you need not the one singing on the stage. One of the greatest blessings of my life has been to meet and know truly good people—genuine, happy, loving men and women who are a joy to be with, an inspiration worth emulating. I find, almost invariably, that they are wise women and man who are content with little, with no greed to have more, who enjoy giving more than grabbing, and who are rich enough deep within, so as not to need the trappings that money can buy. They do not seem to have an inner void which must be filled up with things. If you are worth much, you will not need things to prove that you are worth something.
7. Enjoy the Ordinary Pleasures of Life
And do it now!
Cartoon of a tombstone: “Here lies someone who was going to be happy tomorrow!” Don’t wait to be happy. Now is the time! What are the simple, ordinary pleasures you can enjoy right now? Here are examples. I got up in good health and am free of aches and pains. I can breathe and walk and eat normal meals. I can open my eyes and read what I am writing now. I can enjoy the fresh air and sun and taking a bath. It would be foolish to start appreciating all this after losing them! So, too, so much can be enjoyed by having people around me. Jokes and chat and meaningful conversations. Being able to travel and see people and places. Phones and computers and the Internet. As a senior woman told me when talking about being grateful, “Appreciate not only the water or the coffee on the table, but also your able to stretch your hand and hold the cup.” Suresh, a computer engineer, beams as he tells me: “The nicest part of the day is when I am falling asleep, holding my little son. I can feel his breath on my cheeks. Ah, this is the best of part of my day.” Nothing extraordinary in this—a man holding his child and falling asleep. Any of us can enjoy such ordinary pleasures. We can learn to be consciously enjoy the ordinary events and experiences of any typical day. We do not need to travel far, or see new places, or be famous, or wait for some unusual event to be deeply happy. And we can learn to enjoy this moment. Happiness (or unhappiness is something I construct and enjoy right now, not a golden rainbow that waits for me in some distant future or in some faraway place.
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The Best Advice about Marriage
So, rather than wait, want to be happy today? But, be honest! Do you take responsibility for your happiness? Or, are you waiting for others to do it for you? Just as there are patients who would rather be sick or sickly, rather than do what they need to do (diet, exercise, give up smoking, etc.), there are many who would rather be miserable, complain (and seek sympathy) than take the demanding steps that would make them happy. This is why I am asking you: Do you really want to be happy? Are you ready to take the steps for it? It will be easier to grumble and moan, blame others and drown in inertia, than take your life in hand and see what you NEED to do to be a happy, positive person. Let me quote Anne, a married woman: “The best sermon I have heard about marriage is what my husband told me on the day we got married. He said, ‘During the reception, the waiters came around with tasty items on a platter. All we had to do was to stretch our hand and pick up what we liked. If you and I want to be happy, let us remember that happiness won’t be served us on a plate. We will have to work for it.’ So true.” Anne’s words remind me of another oft-forgotten truth: Happiness has more to do with showing love to your family and close friends, and spending quality time with them, than with fame or with what strangers think of you. Happiness, therefore, is a by-product. Like our shadow, it cannot be chased and won directly. Nor will it land in our lap through our wishful thinking. We have to work for it, yes; but it is largely a by-product—of faith, of love, of gratitude; of the wisdom to sort out needs from wants; of the readiness to forgive rather than nurse hurts; of being committed to worthwhile goals; of the hard decision to do my part today rather than wait passively for a happy future. There are little, concrete steps I can take today that will help me fill this day with much happiness. In that sense, it depends more on my decisions than on luck (or fate). Anything worthwhile demands effort. Happiness is no exception.
Why wait for the moon?
All of us live in an imperfect world, surrounded by imperfect others, and we ourselves are far from perfect. The secret of happiness lies in finding joy in the midst of life’s ups and downs. There is no golden tomorrow where everything will be easier than now. The time to be happy is now; the place is here. I end with the lovely, wise words on a card I once received from a friend. The picture showed a man standing on the moon and looking at the earth. The words were: “Only on the moon will some people realize how happy they could have been on the earth.” Don’t wait until you get to the moon. Far better, far wiser, to learn to be happy right here, today! Learn to be happy on this our imperfect earth! You know the secret. The seven pillars need to be strong—loving relationships, closeness to God, commitment to something worthwhile, gratitude, forgiveness, simplicity of life and readiness to enjoy simple pleasures. Make sure the pillars are strong and in place. Happiness will follow. Are you happy right now? If yes, you will be such a lovely gift to those around you. If not, what are you waiting for?
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